Please somebody check my academic writing 2

[baliya]

Some people believe that television programmes are of no real value for children. How far do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, television programmes have been watched by many people as they are a part of mass media culture that attracts people of different ages throughout the world. It is evident that some families allow their children to watch television programmes with uneducated aspect immature and parent suggests that television does not influence them. It is disagreed that watching TV does not have any real impact on children. This will be proven by analyzing how children’s behavior and health could change by watching television for a long time.
The most important aspect of watching TV is that children copy the behavior they see on the screen. Aggressive TV programmes, for instance, make kids very invasive about life. Children should play outside rather than sit in front of a screen all day. Thus, parents should choose carefully what their children watch.
In addition, television harmfulness for children is increasing probability of health diseases, as an example, if children spend a lot of time playing in the street with friends rather than watching TV, they will be healthier. The big amount of watching television programmes can damage children’s nervous system as well as eye sight. After analyzing this, it is clear that TV programmes will always harm viewer’s health.
Following the analyzation of a television programme’s ability to influence children as well as capability of increasing heath diseases, it is clear that television will not have a real value for children. It is expected that TV companies will make more positive, educational programmes rather than aggressive non-cultural films/

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - It is disagreed - Who by? The phrases 'real impact' and 'real value' do not mean the same thing. The introduction is longer than the main paragraphs.

First main paragraph - invasive?!

Second main paragraph - damage the nervous system?!

Conclusion - unclear. You say that TV has no value, but that TV companies should make documentaries.

Overall, this is a little weak. Vocabulary and grammar are not well-used. There are numerous mistakes, some of which change meaning or make meaning unclear.

If your English is not so good, it's better to stick with simpler language and build up.

All the best,
David