please check my academic writing as i am new

[Amrinder]

]Nowadays, children spend most of their time on indoor activities on computers instead of outdoor activities. What can be bad effects and give one possible solution



Technology has brought some drastic changes over the century. Computers and the Internet are two of the important innovations of technology, which are being widely used globally. These certainly have several advantages, but nowadays, they are often abused by children. For majority of them, these are the only sources to enjoy their leisure time. The time spent out of house for teenagers and children is decreasing , thus creating some major consequences on their health and social issues. I am going to discuss these two issues in detail and a possible solution to deal with their bad outcomes.
Health problems arise when most of the time is spent by children ,inside the house watching television and playing on computers. Lack of vitamin D, effect on eyes ,obesity, and sluggishness are some of them. For example, majority of the children who play indoors especially in winter months are more prone to develop bone problems because they are not exposed to sunlight. In addition , playing video games for a longer period of time weaken eyesight and as a result of this, children get glasses at a very young age. So, we can see that working on computers continually,have a bad effect on both physical and mental health of kids.
As a result of staying homes and sitting in front of computers,there is marked impact on social relationships of children with their family members and siblings. Moreover , children become self centered to themselves as they grow . So as a result, they tend to forget the importance of relationships with their immediate members or society. For instance, research shows that lack of social interaction among children result in autistic behavior. Therefore outdoor activities of any kind are important for building future personalities of children.
A possible solution to the above mentioned problems is that parents should try to indulge their children in outdoor activities, such as playing at various sports ground and reduce the time which they spend indoors.
In conclusion, outdoor and indoor activities have their own merits and demerits but parents should keep in mind that advantages of playing out of home outweighs more and therefore reducing health and social problems in children to minimal.

[Ryan]

Hi Amrinder,

Firstly, the introduction paragraph is way too detailed. All your introduction should do is nicely lead into the essay topic and then declare a progression for the essay itself.

I'm not sure why you put spaces before some of your commas.

There are grammar errors in almost every sentence.

Although there are many ways to structure support in an English essay, I would advise against sharing examples right before the conclusion sentence in your supporting paragraphs. Examples need to be discussed. The link between them and the supporting point need to be established clearly, and this is most easily done by stating examples first (after the topic sentence) and discussing them second. Logical conclusions must to be derived and illustrated in your writing. Simply sharing an example and then saying "as can be conluded..." leaves your reader to logically connect the dots themselves.

I would have expanded on the solution a little bit.

I can see signs of some basic structure, but I think you are going to need to clarify the message you are communicating before the reader is thoroughly convinced of your argument. The key to this is improving grammar.

This writing is likely around a band 6.