Please evaluate my essay

[Ligy]

some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others however say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both view and give your own opinion?

Nowadays,health issues are getting more concerns over other problems and government is doing every step to keep the public fit.Some argued that, extending sports amenities to each corner of the city would be an effective way to improve public health while, others,however, believe that there are other viable solution for increasing the health of the general public.In my opinion, public awareness about healthy lifestyle have more impact on health than increasing recreational centres.

On one hand, availability of recreational facilities will motivate the public to do physical activities. This is because, in sports centres, electronic equipments and machines are used for exercises that creates curiosity among people. For instance, people who usually walked in the park have a different experience in a treadmill.Moreover, most of the sports complexes are having an air conditioning facility, thus people will not tire after doing vigorous activities.

On the other hand,some people opine that public awareness has more impact on health than sport centres. This is because, people who are joined sport club are not continuing their physical activities as they are not aware about the importance of exercise and healthy lifestyle. For example, times of India unveil the research analysis of walking campaign organised in 2015 in Delhi in India has reduced 10% of health problems such as diabetes, obesity and heart disease among the people than the previous years.It is clear that, educating the public about the risk associated with the unhealthy lifestyle motivations them to follow a healthy lifestyle .

To conclude, although expanding the sports facilities improves public health, health education and awareness campaign have more impact on people . It is advisable for the government to initiate steps to educate the public about healthy lifestyle.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

1. The introduction is too long - longer than the first main paragraph.

2. Why WILL the facilities motivate people to do physical activities? (will = 100% for sure)

3. Creates curiosity?

4. People certainly should tire after doing vigorous exercise! (That's usually one of the purposes!)

5. "people who are joined sport club are not continuing their physical activities as they are not aware about the importance of exercise and healthy lifestyle". This makes no sense.

6. The reasons why you think that (in the conclusion) are not explained.

Overall, there are a lot of weak points in this essay. There are a lot of grammatical mistakes, some of which affect meaning. Vocabulary is often not used very clearly. however, I do think that you have the basis of a good essay - just work on the aforementioned points.

All the best
David

[Flick]

some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others however say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both view and give your own opinion?

Nowadays, health issues are getting more attention over other problems, and the government is taking every step to keep the public fit. Some argue that extending sports amenities to each corner of the city would be an effective way to improve public health, while others believe that there are other viable solutions for increasing the health of the general public. In my opinion, public awareness about a healthy lifestyle has more impact on health than increasing recreational centres.

On one hand, the availability of recreational facilities will motivate the public to do physical activities. This is because, in sports centres, electronic equipment and machines are used for exerciseswhich creates curiosity among people. For instance, people who usually walk in the park have a different experience to those who walk on a treadmill. Moreover, most of the sports complexes are air conditioned, thus people will not tire after doing vigorous activities.(<--I disagree. I am always very tired after I work out at the gym.)

On the other hand, some people opine that public awareness has more impact on health than sport centres. This is because, people who are joined sport club are not continuing their physical activities as they are not aware about the importance of exercise and healthy lifestyle.(<--I do not understand this sentence.) For example, times of India(<--What is this?) unveiled research about how a walking campaign organised in 2015 in Delhi, India, has reduced health problems such as diabetes, obesity and heart disease among the peopleby about 10%, compared to previous years. It is clear that educating the public about the risks associated with an unhealthy lifestyle motivates them to follow a healthy lifestyle.

To conclude, although expanding sports facilities improves public health, health education and awareness campaigns have more impact on people. It is advisable for the government to initiate steps to educate the public about the benefits of a healthy lifestyle.