Please Assess My Task 2 General Training. Thank You!

[antsatno]

Question:
Nowadays children are consuming too many sugar-based drinks. What are the reasons and solutions for this situation.

Answer:
Drinks industries like Pepsi, coco-cola has massive income across the globe. Even though they are not producing natural drinks still they seem to be very popular among the young crowd. Youngsters are being attracted to such sugar-based drinks for some reasons which we will discuss in this essay and also, we will see a solution for the same.

At the onset, advertisement and media plays a vital role in promoting these sugar-based drinks. They craft their advertisement in such a way that it attracts the youngsters mostly. They pick up popular sport stars, cine stars to be acted in the advertisement for such purposes so that young crowd gets attracted appropriately. Secondly, these companies also price their product on the cheaper side which considered to be brilliant tactics. For example, in countries like India 1 liter drinks bottle price is equivalent to that of a water bottle. Apparently, people buy drinks when they feel thirsty rather than buying the water bottle itself. These are the two mains that I consider for the high consumption of these sugar-based drinks.

People has their own freedom of buying these drinks or not. But these drinks may contain many artificial sugar components which will affect their health on the longer run. Some people were not even aware of this. Awareness such as these are really important which could be thrived by the government bodies. Government could use the same media tactics used by those drinks companies to spread the awareness word among the people. In fact, they can incorporate few policies which will enforce the drinks companies to mention a warning text on their products about their artificial sugar contents. By following this approach, Government had given enough awareness information and thus leave the choice of drinking these products to the people.

In conclusion, even though youngsters are attracted towards the sugar-based drinks, government should take necessary steps in spreading the awareness about its artificial contents etc which will affect their health.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Great question!

This is a good essay. The points are generally good, though the 'raising awareness' one is weak. However, the warning label is nice idea. Regarding this aspect, my main criticism is that your points are very general - including everyone.

The range of grammatical structures is a little limited, but there are some good complex structures. There are plenty of errors but they do not really affect meaning or comprehension, except for the penultimate sentence in the first main paragraph.

All the best,
David

[antsatno]

Thanks a lot David.

Your feedback is always awesome!