Dear Ryan
Thanks for your patience and kindness in correcting my essay. I want to ge 7 in writing and I have some questions.
1. I want to use “this,” “these” to connect my essay, and I don't know whether I use them correctly in the following one?
2. In this report, I need to answer causes and give suggestions. Should I need to write “and I think some actions should be taken to deal with it” in the Introduction??
3. when it comes to four factors--task response, coherence and cohesion, lexical resource and grammatical range, which part is my weakness？ I still have almost 15 days left before I take my IELTS exam, and I hope to work more efficiently and effectively.
I am looking forward to your reply. I will appreciate it if you could give my useful suggestion.
Kinds, regard
Jiaqi Yang
1/5/2017
Topic
In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour.
What do you think are the cause of this?
What solutions can you suggest?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples form your won knowledge or experience.
Essay
Students’ poor behaviour seems to be an increasingly widespread in many countries. I believe that smaller family size and the access to the Internet are probably responsible for this.
Firstly, nuclear family pattern nowadays always fail to provide caring and supportive environment for children. It is because in order to make a livelihood, both males and females tend to work outside fulltime; they hence spend less time with children, who are usually left alone or with nannies. Children, living in this environment, are more likely to be involved in gangs and violate school rules because of the lack of parental accompany and care.
In addition, exposure to violent and sexual content on the Internet also contributes partially to this phenomenon. When students experience some intense battles or killings in virtual games, they would see these actions acceptable in real situation. Some of them might copy these violent behaviours that offend the laws. Without being addictive to Internet, children could have more opportunities to participate in outdoor activities, which benefit their mental development and foster their positive outlooks on lives.
There should be adequate measures to combat this situation. One of the solution to this problem lies with (the?) families, who should be more active in students’ growth, by giving them access to different extra-curriculum activities or being a patient listener. Another effective strategy to deal with this problem is that governments should allocate money in campaigns, in which students can be educated about the drawbacks of the Internet. And governments ought to build high quality nursing schools that can reduce burden on parents in terms of bring up the next generation.
In conclusion, increasing student behaviour is a result of smaller family patterns and effects of the Internet. Therefore, measures proposed above should be taken to minimize the adverse influence of poor behaviours.