Please assess my IELTS General Task 2 essay- Thanks in advance

[chaitanya.k]

Topic: COMPUTER ARE BEING USED MORE AND MORE IN EDUCATION. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THIS IS A POSITIVE TREND, WHILE OTHERS ARGUE THAT IT IS LEADING TO NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. DISCUSS BOTH SIDES OF THIS ARGUMENT AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION.


Today’s world is computers world.With the advancement in science and technology, one cannot omit the fact that computers play a crucial role in our life.Some argue that use of computers in education is important.Others say that there are many demerits because of computer usage and it misleads children if it is used in a wrong way.I will discuss both views in the following two paragraphs efficaciously before giving my personal stance.
Firstly, in the modern era, students get good knowledge on any topic with the help of a computer. For example, they can get their queries solved by searching in Google even when teacher is not around.Also, computers give accurate information on any topic with dates from history.Moreover, just by sitting before computer in a room we can get news from all over the world.
However, there are disadvantages if students make improper use of computer.For example, if children get addicted to playing video games continuously and are lacking physical exercise through outdoor games then their health might go for a toss. In addition to this, if they spend more time before computer in social networking sites like facebook, twitter they cannot utilise their time properly for studies.
Summing up the above points, student can get more benefits with the help of computer.However, getting addicted to video games and social networking sites leaving their studies apart results in a bad phenomenon. In my view, parents should guide their children in making correct use of computer.It depends on how an individual uses it says whether computer is a boon or bane to the child’s education.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

The introduction is as long as the main paragraphs - why is this a thing?!

The example of facts is untrue (main paragraph 1). If it were, there would be fewer debates.

You haven't really explained why you think the disadvantages are less important than the advantages.

Your points are basically good, but they are poorly developed and very general.

Quite a lot of grammatical errors, but you do have a reasonable range of structures.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Topic: COMPUTER ARE BEING USED MORE AND MORE IN EDUCATION. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THIS IS A POSITIVE TREND, WHILE OTHERS ARGUE THAT IT IS LEADING TO NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. DISCUSS BOTH SIDES OF THIS ARGUMENT AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION.


Today’s world is technology-heavy. With the advancement in science and technology, one cannot ignore the fact that computers play a crucial role in our lives. Some people argue that the use of computers in education is important. Others say that there are many disadvantages because computer usage misleads children if it is used in the wrong way. This essay will discuss both views before coming to a reasoned conclusion.

Firstly, in the modern era, students can learn about any topic with the help of a computer. For example, they can use search engines such as Google to answer their questions even when a teacher is not around. Also, computers give accurate information on any topic with dates from history. Moreover, just by sitting in front of a computer we can get news from all over the world.

However, there are disadvantages if students make improper use of a computer. For example, if children get addicted to playing video games continuously and are lacking physical exercise through outdoor games then their health might decline. In addition to this, if they spend more time on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, they cannot utilise their time properly for studies.

In conclusion, students can get more benefits with the help of computers. However, getting addicted to video games and social networking sites and neglecting their studies as a result is a serious issue. In my view, parents should guide their children in making correct use of the computer. Depending on how an individual uses it confirms whether a computer is a boon or bane to the child’s education.