Task2-argument-sport events help world peace - DAVID could you please evaluate it

[rairaichan0115]

Some people say International sports events help world peace. Do you agree or disagree?

Olympic Game is one of the most significant sports competition in the world. It is not only essential for sports players but also important for the audience. This professional worldwide game has other meaning which is promoting world peace. It is agreed that it is not only a game and it can market world peace around all countries. This argument will be discussed by looking at how International sports activities can both improve the relationship between all nations and reduce culture confusion issues.

First of all, it is an undeniable fact that the sports events can provide opportunities to improve their relationship. For instance, in 1941 “Ping-pong diplomacy”, it is the first time China government invited American ping-pong players to join the matches in China. This makes it clear that although sometimes they may have confliction between them since the event could be used as a tool to progress their relationship. As this shows, the international sports events can be a proper way to marketing world peace.

Secondly, and even more importantly, though, athletics can assist their citizens to understand the culture of others. To illustrate, one of the most celebrity player – Ms. Ai Fukuhara who had been in China for training ping-pong and joining the matches. She had a great impression of China and gain a lot of knowledge. After she returned to Japan and she put a great effort for advertising China’s customs to Japanese as well as she was successfully improved her citizen’s image of China. It is obvious from this that it has a positive effect on advertising world peace through the sports games.

In conclusion, following this look at how national sports competitions can improve the relationship among all countries and diminish culture shocking, it has been proven that world peace can be promoted by the International athletic games. Furthermore, I contend that it seems highly advisable for all nations to put more supporting efforts of it such as financial assistance.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Your points are basically good, but some of the details are unclear or incorrect. I'm pretty sure ping-pong diplomacy started around 1972, not 1941. The example of Ai Fukuhara isn't clearly connected to WORLD peace.

Regular readers of my posts will be amazed that I haven't mentioned the introduction yet, so here we go - it's TOO LONG!!!

Vocabulary is quite good, but there are some mistakes and strange usage (MARKETING world peace, JOIN the matches, PROPER way).

Similarly, there are quite a lot of grammatical errors, though the range is quite good.

All the best,
David