Please evaluate my essay (task 2)

[yendo]

TASK : More and more city workers are deciding to live in the country and travel into work every day. The result is increased traffic congestion and damage to the environment. What measures do you think could be taken to encourage people not to travel such long distances into work?


Nowadays many people are moving out of the cities, living in the countryside in order to benefit peace and quiet conditions that city life does not offer. However, most of these people have to take their own car and travel back into cities almost every day, because of the wide range of jobs available there. Consequently, traffic congestion is increasing and this lead to worsen the quality of life as well as causing several environmental problems, which is why solutions are needed to reduce such long distances working trip.

First of all, it is important to guarantee urban security to encourage people to choose to live in the city. Take the widespread of crime as an example. Cities with a large concentration of people are often subjected to serious criminal issues which contribute to create a sense of danger in most citizens. As a result, many people choose to leave the city and settle down in the country to meet peace and quiet conditions that towns may not provide. For this reason, governments should take actions to prevent crimes by increasing the expenditure on security and employing more policeman that may patrol the streets.

Furthermore, a very different way to solve the problem may be the development of job opportunities in the countryside. This can be achieved by pushing companies to move workplaces outside cities through policies that may reward them with incentives. By doing this, people would not face the long distances from the workplace and cities would also benefit from the reduction of traffic which, with less cars circulating would be surely smoothly.

In conclusion, although the presence of many issues, connected with the increment of automobiles circulation in cities today, there are different actions that could be undertaken to overcome them and make cities a friendly and welcoming place to live, and not to work.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

The introduction is only a little shorter than the main paragraphs. This indicates that the main paragraphs are not well-developed.

The argument about crime may be valid, but it doesn't really explain why people would still expose themselves to it by working in cities. It also doesn't relate to traffic and the environment very clearly.

The second main paragraph does not give examples of incentives/policies.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

TASK : More and more city workers are deciding to live in the country and travel into work every day. The result is increased traffic congestion and damage to the environment. What measures do you think could be taken to encourage people not to travel such long distances into work?


Nowadays, many people are moving out of the cities, living in the countryside in order to benefit from the peace and quiet that city life does not offer. However, most of these people have to travel back into the city almost every day because of the wide range of jobs available there. Consequently, traffic congestion is increasing and this may reduce one's quality of life as well as cause several environmental problems, which is why solutions are needed to reduce such long distance commutes.

First of all, it is important to guarantee urban security to encourage people to choose to live in the city. Take the widespread of crime as an example. Cities with a large concentration of people are often subjected to serious criminal issues which create a sense of danger in most citizens. As a result, many people choose to leave the city and settle down in the country to enjoy the peace and quiet that towns may not provide. For this reason, governments should take action to prevent crimes by increasing expenditure on security and employing more policeman that may patrol the streets.

Furthermore, a very different way to solve the problem may be the development of job opportunities in the countryside. This can be achieved by pushing companies to move workplaces outside cities through policies that may reward them with incentives. By doing this, people would not face the long distances from the workplace, and cities would also benefit from the reduction of traffic which, with fewer cars circulating, would be smoother.

In conclusion, although the presence of many issues, connected with the increase of automobiles in circulation in cities today, there are different actions that could be undertaken to overcome these problems and make cities a friendly and welcoming place to live, and not just to work.