I am new here, please check this essay about kids

[Hojiakbar]

Question- In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.

What are your opinions on this?

In the last several years, an impressive number of children have commenced to work in a variety type of payable jobs. As a result, some claimed that this is completely wrong, whilst others deemed the case as teachable work experience, which is immensely necessary for learning and taking responsibility. Nevertheless, I am completely sure that this two viewpoints are right and in this essay I will try to discuss both of the sides by giving my own opinion.

Let us start by looking at the possitive sides of the issue. One of the most beneficial sides of children working in some sort of work, where it is possible for them to earn a considerable amount of coins, is that they typically become knowledgeable in terms of making cash and distributing it wisely in appropriate ways. In other words, they would learn how to manage gained money so that it would always be enough for them at certain time. Another essential moment of kids working in a particular place is that they could choose their lovely type of profession. This is because a significant number of individuals at their 30s or even 40s, nowadays, can be found as those who are still looking for a major which would be suitable for them. Thus, working at young age might be one of the most important things to do so as to not being lost later in life.

Turning to the other side of the argument, the young generation who is engaged in earning money might quite easily miss some other increasingly valuable activities. For instance, a student due to longing to expend his plethora amount of time for cleaning up tables or serving some clients while working as a waiter in an exclusive restaurant, might not have as much time for doing his homework or some other tasks as it would actually be required from him. Hence, he can be expelled from his school for not implementing his obligations.

By and large, it is axiomatic that all teenagers have to be focused only on their education, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that if they manage their daily rutine maximally well, they will be able to complete everythig on time.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - You cannot be sure that both sides are correct!

First main paragraph - There's a big jump from earning to knowing what major to study. This jump makes no sense.

Second main paragraph - longing to expend his plethora amount of time??? implementing his obligations???

Conclusion - Does not relate directly to the question, Certainly does not explain how both views are correct (see introduction).

Sorry, but overall this is a very weak essay. Points are unclear and the introduction, conclusion and main paragraphs do not match up.

All the best,
David

[Hojiakbar]

Second main paragraph - longing to expend his plethora amount of time??? implementing his obligations???

The actually meaning of the words is like this - desiring to spend his a lot of time - BUT it seems like it is wrong or you could not get the meaning of the words(?) And the actual reason of my using them was because of their being formal words.

Like, the definition of the word LONG - want something very much.
For example, She longed to see him again. I'm longing for news of him.

EXPEND means - to use or spend especially time, effort or money
For example, you expend so much effort for so little return. Governments expend a lot of resources on war.

Pleathora - a very large amount of something, especially a larger amount than you need, want or can deal with
For example, there's a plethora of books about the royal family. The plethora of regulations is both contradictory and confusing.

Did I use them incorrectly?

[Hojiakbar]

Second main paragraph - longing to expend his plethora amount of time??? implementing his obligations???

Would it sound much better if I separated the two points,just by adding a gap between them, like this ?

Let us start by looking at the possitive sides of the issue. One of the most beneficial sides of children working in some sort of work, where it is possible for them to earn a considerable amount of coins, is that they typically become knowledgeable in terms of making cash and distributing it wisely in appropriate ways. In other words, they would learn how to manage gained money so that it would always be enough for them at certain time.

Another essential moment of kids working in a particular place is that they could choose their lovely type of profession. This is because a significant number of individuals at their 30s or even 40s, nowadays, can be found as those who are still looking for a major which would be suitable for them. Thus, working at young age might be one of the most important things to do so as to not being lost later in life.

[Hojiakbar]

Introduction - You cannot be sure that both sides are correct!

Can I be sure somehow, like - Is it possible for me to say that I AM TOTALLY SURE THAT THE BOTH SIDE ARE RIGHT TO SOME EXTENT..?