Could you please evaluate my writing for task 2?

[Nadia-otoom]

Computers and modems have made it possible for office workers to do much of their work from home instead of working in offices every day. Working from home should be encouraged as it is good for workers and employers.
Agree or disagree?


With advances in communication and advent of modems and servers nowadays, it is probably possible to work from home. People have mixed views about preference between work in offices or from homes.

Working at home has financial benefits for employers and workers. Business owner could not pay money to rent a place for organization and buy offices tools. Workers also reduce their daily expenditure as they should not use transportation to go to work position.

Furthermore, working at home has a potential to give workers flexibility in time work, and so let them to manage their day time better. From home, some workers may prefer to work at morning and others prefer to late their work duties. In this sense, by working at home, employees could combine between work and looking after their children or parents for example.

In the other hand, daily meeting of company members has an advantages. Firstly, it help managers in supervising and problem solving. Actually, face to face discussion gets always better results than telecommunications. Secondly, workers will miss social aspect of work such as seeing colleagues. Thirdly, a person needs to deal with work environment to improve his work skills like being motivated and creative.

In conclusion, I believe that opt for working in work place or home depends on workers and businessmen minds. I tend to suppose that workers should be offered to choose between these two options where possible.


Many thanks in advance

[adam1979]

Hello Nadia,

A few suggestions:

Business owner could not pay money to rent a place for organization and buy offices tools.

Surely some business owners can afford renting an office space, but not having to rent an office space cuts down on their overhead cost.

So, I would have written:

“Business owners could cut down on their overhead cost by saving office rental money.”

Workers also reduce their daily expenditure as they should not use transportation to go to work position.

I would have written:
“employees also gained time and money, as they do not have to commute daily to a work location”

Furthermore, working at home has a potential to give workers flexibility in time work, and so let them to manage their day time better.

I would have written:
“furthermore, working from home allows employees greater flexibility in working hours, therefore enabling them to manage their time and daily chores better”

“In conclusion, I believe that opt for working in work place or home depends on workers and businessmen minds. I tend to suppose that workers should be offered to choose between these two options where possible.”

I would have written:

“In conclusion, I believe that opting to work at an office or from home depends on the employee and the business owner mindset. I’m of the opinion that, whenever possible, employees should be given the choice of where they want to work from.”

[durai]

Nowadays, with the advances in communication and advent of modems and servers , don't use two 'and' clause in a single sentence it is probably possible ( redundant 'probably' or 'possible' not both to work from home. People have mixed views about preferences between working in offices or from homes.

Working at home has financial benefits for employers and workers. Business owner is not necessary to rent a place for organization and buy offices tools. Workers also reduce their daily expenditure as they should not use transportation to go to work location.

Furthermore, working at home has a potential to give workers flexibility in working hours, and so let them to manage their time effectively. For example, some workers may prefer to work at morning and others prefer to work late in the evening . As a result, employees could combine between( remove 'between' work and home duties that gives effective time management..

On the other hand, daily meeting of company members( you mean working at company , because your topic sentence was not clear and not related to the theme) has an advantages. Firstly, it help managers in supervising and problem solving. Actually, ( 'actually ' is not used in academic writing) face to face discussion gets always better results than telecommunications. Secondly, workers will miss social aspect of work such as seeing colleagues. Thirdly, a person needs to deal with work environment to improve his work skills like being motivated and creative.

In conclusion, I believe that opt for working in work place or home depends on workers and businessmen minds. I tend to believe that workers should be offered to choose between these two options where possible.


task response is visible, you attempted to answer the question, however, poor word choice and grammar issues are very frequent, that leads to incoherence. There are many errors in sentence formation, but it might take long time to fix it.

choose your words correctly and try simple sentences , use synonyms , for example

workers, staff, employees,
employers, company, industry, ...
working from home- telecommuting, use of communication technology,

overall looks like band 5 to 5.5, ( I am not sure)

I try to post my essay on the same topic asap.

Durai

[Nadia-otoom]

Many thanks Adam & Duria. Your notes are really valuable for me. I have to practice more and more
I need 6+ band.

[katsenis]

Computers and modems have made it possible for office workers to do much of their work from home instead of working in offices every day. Working from home should be encouraged as it is good for workers and employers.
Agree or disagree?


With advances in communication and the advent of modems and servers nowadays, it is probably possible for more and more people to work from home. People have mixed views about preference between work in offices or from homes. (This sentence may be hard to follow. Perhaps "People have mixed views about whether it is better to work from home or in an office."

Working at home has financial benefits for employers and workers. (Good topic sentence!) Business owner could not pay money to rent a place for organization and buy offices tools. I am not sure what you mean here. Maybe you mean "Business owners can save money by renting smaller office spaces?" Workers also reduce their daily travelling expenditure as they should not would not have to use transportation to go to their work position.

Furthermore, working at home has a the potential to give workers flexibility in time work work schedules work time , and so working from home lets them to (Do not need infinitive here) manage their day time better. From home, some workers may prefer to work at in the morning and others prefer to work late. In this sense, by working at home, employees could combine between (Preposition 'between' not needed) work and looking after their children or parents for example.

In (on) the other hand, daily meeting of company members has an advantages ('advantages' is plural, so do not use 'an') . Firstly, it helps managers in supervising and problem solving. Actually, face to face discussion gets always always gets better results than telecommunications. Secondly, workers will miss the social aspect of work such as seeing colleagues. Thirdly, a person needs to deal with work the work environment to improve his work skills like being motivated and creative.

In conclusion, I believe that opt opting for working in a work place or home depends on workers' and businessmen's minds. I tend to suppose that workers should be offered to choose the choice between these two options where possible.
The prompt asks whether you agree or disagree with the statement. In your conclusion, you offer a third option, which is to give workers the choice. This is not what the prompt is asking. This may lower your score.
If this essay were graded today it would likely receive:
Task Response: 6
Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Lexical Resource: 5.5
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Next steps:
Practice using difference vocabulary. You are trying hard, but I do not think you hear native speakers enough. Listen a lot to the BBC radio.

Review the use of words that take particular prepositions.

[Nadia-otoom]

Thank you katsenis. You are right, I do not hear to native speaker. I intend to submit the exam at 10-April (i do not have a time). I need 6+ band in order to be able to apply for master degree. Any advice? Do you think the following essay is better than the previous one?

Many children today find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention at school.
What could you think are the main causes?
What are the possible solutions?

We much acknowledge that the school stage is very important as students start learning and building their personalities in the school years. However, sometimes we find our kids cannot concentrate during lectures time. This essay will discuss a number of causes and suggest solutions for this issue.

Absence of child mind in the school lessons may refer to psychological causes. It is possible that child does not like his school or teacher for some reasons. For example, he my think that the teacher love one student more than himself or he find difficulties in interacting with his colleagues. Furthermore, family troubles exactly which between parents effect negatively in children psychology. They lead them to be uncomfortable and unsatisfied of their life.

In addition, our children healthy status influence in their ability to pay attention in school. They might not sleep enough before going to school or they do not eat a healthy food, this could cause a reduction in some vitamins in their bodies such as B12 vitamin which play a significant role in the mind ability to concentrate.

To solve this problem, firstly, teachers should try to be as close as possible to the students, they could talk with them about their feelings and bring gifts to them for instance. Secondly, parents should keep their daughters far away from family problems. Thirdly, schools could combine playing with studying, therefore children will find lessons more interesting.

In conclusion, schools and families should work together to avoid this problem and solve it when it occurs.