PLEASE kindly mark my essay, thanks

[drummer0218]

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?
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Crime is a highly concerned society issue. What makes it even worse is that many of the criminals tend to re-offend. The two main reasons, in my opinion, are the assimilation amongst the criminals in the prison and the difficulty of finding a new job for them to support the released ones and their families.

First, as many offenders are put under the same prison roof, some of them would make friends with each other, even the minor crimes committers may be taught or pushed to absorb really bad crime plots, which shadows their kindness. Another thing that gives pressure on the offenders is that a crime record makes finding a job more difficult. Being without a method to make a living, one may re-refer to the dark side again. From above we can see the complexity of the problem of re-offending, but there must be some practical methods to tackle it.

For one thing, the offenders are not necessarily to be put together, and rehabilitation can be of various measures. For example, the minor crimes offenders can be held to account to repay their communities by giving lectures to the school groups and carrying out other services, which would not only avoid the negative influence a prison can bring but also add some values to the communities and society. Another measure that should be taken is every individual should look and treat the ex-offenders equally, which would cure their mental sufferings and reform them to be normal citizens and never harm others.

In sum, the negative impacts of the prison and the dilemma that a crime record brings an offender would face after serving the first punishment are the two main reasons of re-offending, I reckon. And measures should be implemented accordingly to solve it.

[Ryan]

Hi drummer,

I want to start with a look at your introduction paragraph:

Crime is a highly concerned society issue. What makes it even worse is that many of the criminals tend to re-offend. The two main reasons, in my opinion, are the assimilation amongst the criminals in the prison and the difficulty of finding a new job for them to support the released ones and their families.

I see awkwardness in every sentence. In the first sentence, I think you mean "concerning", not "concerned". In the second sentence, be careful not to frame things with "the" unless the noun in question is known by both you and your reader. In this case, the reader is not sure which particular criminals you are talking about, so your use of "the" is awkward. Remove "of the" and just leave the sentence "many criminals tend to reoffend". In the third sentence, you state reasons but your reader isn't sure exactly what these reasons are connected to. Also, the declaration of supporting points is difficult to understand. Are you saying prisoners have a tough time assimilating into prison life? And what do you mean when you say they need to support "released ones"? Are you saying that after they leave prison they have to support other recently released prisoners?

Here is a grammatically accurate version of what I think you meant:

Crime is a highly concerning societal issue. This is aggravated by the fact that many criminals reoffend upon release from detention. Although several factors come into play when examining the causes of this phenomenon, assimilating felons back into society and finding them jobs with which to support their families are thought to be the two most major reasons. This essay will illustrate these issues and suggest potential solutions.

Hmm, upon reading your first supporting paragraph it is clear that I really misunderstood what you meant in your introduction. You were talking about the influential effect a prison can have upon newly incarcerated felons. This is evidence of poor coherence levels in the essay.

Avoid being overly poetic. Referring to the "shadowing of kindness" or a return to crime as a return to "the dark side" makes your essay read with a needlessly informal tone.

You do not put forth convincing examples. In fact, I find your first example ambiguous and rather confusing. Please be as concise as you can. Your trouble writing complex sentences is likely part of the problem. Work on simplifying your writing and connecting these simpler ideas through the use of cohesive phrases.

I would gauge this writing no higher than band 5.5.

Good luck,
Ryan

[allen_zhang]

Ryan,

Does this essay deserve less than 5.5? I can see his vocabulary is not bad and some skills in developing his ideas.

Anyway, he is defenitely among those who can improve quickly. I believe.

[Ryan]

Ryan,

Does this essay deserve less than 5.5? I can see his vocabulary is not bad and some skills in developing his ideas.

Anyway, he is defenitely among those who can improve quickly. I believe.

Hi Allen,

Although drummer uses several impressive words in his/her response, most are not used with grammatical accuracy. Varying levels of incoherence are seen in many of the sentences as a result. A few examples:

"The two main reasons, in my opinion, are the assimilation amongst the criminals in the prison and the difficulty of finding a new job for them to support the released ones and their families."

"First, as many offenders are put under the same prison roof, some of them would make friends with each other, even the minor crimes committers may be taught or pushed to absorb really bad crime plots, which shadows their kindness."

"For one thing, the offenders are not necessarily to be put together, and rehabilitation can be of various measures."

However, I agree that drummer could quickly tighten the quality of his/her writing by improving grammatical accuracy. In his/her case, this could be most easily carried out by simplifying sentences. At the moment, drummer is being overly ambitious and writing sentences at lengths he/she cannot control. This is the root of the domino effect that is causing the inaccurate use of the strong vocab you refer to.

Just my two cents. Do you feel this is more deserving of band 6?

[allen_zhang]

As a non-native speaker as I am, whenever I see a word I don't know or is used in a way I am not familar with, the first impression to me is that: this must be a advanced expression.


Just one thing more I want to mention: for some low band essays, I can easily point out many grammatic errors. But it is not the case in this one.


Many thanks for your help! I have learned incredible amount from you.

[Ryan]

As a non-native speaker as I am, whenever I see a word I don't know or is used in a way I am not familar with, the first impression to me is that: this must be a advanced expression.

The same was also true for me when studying Chinese is Shanghai.

I'm signing off for the night now. Hope you have a nice evening.