My essay - please help

[nepali]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: With the help of technology, student nowadays can learn more information and learn it more quickly. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


Being dependant on computer technology and computers today make us believe that whoever is ‘offline’ with the computer age will be outdated and disadvantaged. On to these, it is obvious that the computer technology gravitates majority of people in the education sectors to adopt them for teaching and learning purposes. It is agreed that students may acquire more information at a rapid pace with the aid of technology. This will be shown by taking into account of the availability of information through the internet and the usage of emails or other instant messages device that allow quicker correspondence between students and lecturers.

Firstly, it is undoubted that the accessibility of information through the world-wide-web has assisted learners much in their learning. For example, in the past, to accomplish assignments or research projects, students usually go to the library for gathering data from books, journals, etc. Nowadays, through the internet or online services, the sources from the library were accessible as much from the comfort of home or elsewhere. Without the technology, students might have to take more time to travel there along with the expenses. Further, library open hours limited the time for collecting more information. Thus, it is obvious that student can learn more information faster.

Secondly, technology enables quicker responses between students and supervisors. For instance, with the usage of emails or instant messages device, students may interact with their lecturer with ease and at the mean time lecturers may cater their learning needs for an instant. These apparently allow better correspondence between them. Therefore, the learning process becomes easier and faster.

Following the analyzation of how more accessible the information is and more receptive the correspondence is, it is clear that technology has made student’s searching of information for learning is rapidly optimized. Further, it is expected that the technology would be more vital and extended as it has proven to lead to a more effective learning and teaching.

[Ryan]

Being dependent on computer technology and computers (<--Is there that much of a difference between "computer technology" and "computers"? This reads as though you are repeating yourself.) today has convinced many that a lack of technological understanding can lead to academic disadvantage. In addition to this, (<--Is this what you meant by "on to these"? "On to these" is not a colloquial English phrase.) it is obvious that computer technology has attracted many people working in education. (<--These background sentences are not close enough to your essay topic. You should be moving into the tech/student relationship here.) It is agreed that students may (<--Remove "may".) acquire more information at a more rapid pace with the aid of technology. This will be shown by taking into account of (<--Remove "of".) the availability of information through the Internet and the usage of emails (<--The general topic of "email" is an uncountable noun.) or other instant messaging devices that allow for quicker correspondence between students and lecturers. (<--Simplicity often adds clarity. Try rewording this to: "This will be shown by taking into account the manner in which technology has increased access to both information and avenues of communication.")

Firstly, it is undoubted that the accessibility of information through the World Wide Web has greatly assisted learners in their studies. For example, in the past, to accomplish assignments or research projects, students usually had to go to the library to gather data from books, journals, etc. (<--Never use ‘etc’ in your essay.) Nowadays, through the Internet, library sources are accessible from the comfort of home. Without technology, therefore, students would have to allot time to travel there along with the expenses. (<--I would remove this bit about expenses.) Further, a library’s hours of operation limit the time available to students for the purpose of collecting information. Thus, it is obvious that students can learn more information faster with the help of technology.

Secondly, technology accelerates the speed at which students can interact with their instructors. For instance, through the usage of email or instant messaging devices, students may interact with lecturers with ease. (<--The repetition of "with" is mildly awkward. Try: "...students and lectures may interact with ease.") This increased speed with which information can be transferred means that student queries are more rapidly addressed by an instructor, clear evidence of acceleration to the learning process. Therefore, the positive link between technology and education can be seen.

Following this look at how much more accessible information is and how receptive the correspondence is, (<--Receptive the correspondence is? Was this address in the essay?) it is clear that technology increases both the quantity and speed with which a student can digest information. Technology is therefore expected to have a much more prominent role in the classroom into the foreseeable future.

Hi Nepali,

As you can see, there is a lot of red in this essay. I think your reasoning and structure are good, but the fact remains that grammar is definitely holding you back. In fact, the grammar is so weak that it ends up severely impacting the other areas of your writing - coherence, lexical resources and task achievement.

My advice is to try to make efforts to write concisely. Being succinct and to the point will help you curb the chances of grammatical error. Clarity will result and with this your overall fulfillment of task will improve.

Please read my changes above and make note of any grammatical structure that is new to you.

I would gauge this work about a band 6.

Good luck,
Ryan