task : Some people think that the government should pay one of the parents of very young children to stay at home to look after their children. What do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages of this policy?
Answer:
In many families, both parents are working, unfortunately they are unable to spend time with their children. Therefore, some people believe that the government should provide financial assistance to one of the parents to stay at home to nurture their children. There are advantages and disadvantages of this policy which are worth considering. In this essay, both sides of the argument will be reviewed before a conclusion is drawn.
On the one hand, the benefits of this policy is that parents will no longer be forced to send their child to daycare centers, in some cases baby in a day center may lead to some sort of attachment disorder. If the parent is at home, the child can receive proper care and attention which will be helpful in grooming the child of a positive behavior and manners. Some of the studies shown that young children who spend time with their parents have improved their cognitive and social skills.
On the other hand, the Government should have a lot of budgets to fund this principle. It would be great to implement this policy in a low birthrate country, however, if the country has a high birthrate then it will become a burden to the country’s economy. Looking from that perspective, this policy will only increase the tax of the citizens. In addition, this policy will only encourage couples to have more children and may misused this policy. Lastly, if both parents are in professional and want to work in their respective fields on of them must sacrifice his/her time to stay at home with the kids.
To conclude, it is not difficult to see that there are more disadvantages than advantages to the government giving financial assistance to the parents. Countries with very low population could perhaps experiment with this policy nevertheless others should find other solution to help parents of young children.
Please evaluate my essay
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Re: Please evaluate my essay
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Thanks for your submission hellokitty!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
In many families, AS both parents are working, they UNFORTUNATELY are unable to spend time with their children. Therefore, some people believe that the government should provide financial assistance to one of the parents to stay at home to nurture their children (NICE). There are advantages and disadvantages TO this policy which are worth considering. In this essay, both sides of the argument will be reviewed before a conclusion is drawn.
(REALLY REALLY GOOD INTRO)
B1:
On the one hand, the benefits of this policy ARE that parents will no longer be forced to send their child to daycare centers, BECAUSE in some cases PUTTING ONE'S baby in a day CARE center may lead to some sort of attachment disorder LATER ON. If the parent is at home, the child can receive proper care and attention which will be helpful in MAKING SURE the child HAS positive behaviorS and manners. Some of the studies HAVE shown/SHOW that young children who spend time with their parents have improved (DELETE 'THEIR') cognitive and social skills.
B2:
On the other hand, the government (small 'g') WOULD NEED A LARGE BUDGET to fund this INITIATIVE. It would be great to implement this policy in a country WITH A LOW BIRTHRATE, BUT if the country has a high birthrate then it WOULD become a burden to the country’s economy. Looking AT THE PROBLEM from that perspective, this policy WOULD only ADD MORE OF A TAX BURDEN TO the citizens. In addition, THERE IS A POSSIBILITY THAT this policy will encourage couples to MISUSE IT AND have more children THAN THEY ACTUALLY WANT OR NEED. Lastly, if both parents are in professionalLY EMPLOYE and want to work in their respective fields, (COMMA PLEASE) onE of them must sacrifice his OR her time to stay at home with the kids.
CONC:
To conclude, it is not difficult to see that there are more disadvantages than advantages to the government giving financial assistance to the parents (OMG - EXCELLENT SENTENCE!!!!!!!!). Countries with very low populationS could perhaps (EXCELLENT WORD CHOICE) experiment with this policy. Nevertheless, (NEW SENTENCE + COMMA) others should find other solutionS to help THE parents of young children.
Advice:
1. Add adverbs before verbs, not before the subject (Unless it is the beginning of a sentence). 'Unfortunately' in line 1 is not the beginning of a sentence.
2. Don't forget time phrases ('later on' in B1). They are easy to use and really add to the meaning.
3. Use 'would' for hypothetical conditionals, not 'will' (B2 - "would become a burden...").
TA: 8.0
G: 7.5+
V: 8.0
CC: 7.5
Homepage: https://www.this-course.com
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbVrKy ... LmQirBfSTw
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thiscoursesocial/
Thanks for your submission hellokitty!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
In many families, AS both parents are working, they UNFORTUNATELY are unable to spend time with their children. Therefore, some people believe that the government should provide financial assistance to one of the parents to stay at home to nurture their children (NICE). There are advantages and disadvantages TO this policy which are worth considering. In this essay, both sides of the argument will be reviewed before a conclusion is drawn.
(REALLY REALLY GOOD INTRO)
B1:
On the one hand, the benefits of this policy ARE that parents will no longer be forced to send their child to daycare centers, BECAUSE in some cases PUTTING ONE'S baby in a day CARE center may lead to some sort of attachment disorder LATER ON. If the parent is at home, the child can receive proper care and attention which will be helpful in MAKING SURE the child HAS positive behaviorS and manners. Some of the studies HAVE shown/SHOW that young children who spend time with their parents have improved (DELETE 'THEIR') cognitive and social skills.
B2:
On the other hand, the government (small 'g') WOULD NEED A LARGE BUDGET to fund this INITIATIVE. It would be great to implement this policy in a country WITH A LOW BIRTHRATE, BUT if the country has a high birthrate then it WOULD become a burden to the country’s economy. Looking AT THE PROBLEM from that perspective, this policy WOULD only ADD MORE OF A TAX BURDEN TO the citizens. In addition, THERE IS A POSSIBILITY THAT this policy will encourage couples to MISUSE IT AND have more children THAN THEY ACTUALLY WANT OR NEED. Lastly, if both parents are in professionalLY EMPLOYE and want to work in their respective fields, (COMMA PLEASE) onE of them must sacrifice his OR her time to stay at home with the kids.
CONC:
To conclude, it is not difficult to see that there are more disadvantages than advantages to the government giving financial assistance to the parents (OMG - EXCELLENT SENTENCE!!!!!!!!). Countries with very low populationS could perhaps (EXCELLENT WORD CHOICE) experiment with this policy. Nevertheless, (NEW SENTENCE + COMMA) others should find other solutionS to help THE parents of young children.
Advice:
1. Add adverbs before verbs, not before the subject (Unless it is the beginning of a sentence). 'Unfortunately' in line 1 is not the beginning of a sentence.
2. Don't forget time phrases ('later on' in B1). They are easy to use and really add to the meaning.
3. Use 'would' for hypothetical conditionals, not 'will' (B2 - "would become a burden...").
TA: 8.0
G: 7.5+
V: 8.0
CC: 7.5
