Ryan,please evaluate this essay.

[Muxtar]

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged.Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

People have different views about whether it is a good thing to encourage children to compete each other or it is worthwhile to teach them to stay in cooperation in order to be valuable for a society.Although there are convincing points in favor of their cooperation,I personally believe that competition in an early age is more beneficial.

Opponents of this idea think that children should be motivated to do some works together.They also believe that children would be able to cope with torrents of problems by combining their potential ability in a variety of way.For example,Two children has a desire of getting benefit by helping people who are in need that they themselves have no privilege to do it.Unless they make a decision to join their financial support or any contribution in terms of finding some solutions to problems of poor familiess,they will be unable for being successful in this goal.Another clear way is that it would be sufficient for them to unify charity programs to reach their aim.Consequently,they do their best to simplify a certain difficulties of immature children by visiting them regularly.

Supporters of this argument claim that a sense of competition gives a significant inspiration to children.Pupils are usually considered potential learners with full of interest and dynamic that has not been discovered yet.But after being involved to competition they commence to making a good progress without stopping.For instance,There are 20 students in a classroom and teacher says: there are great reward for pupils who will be able to win the race that involve to write a descriptive essay for next Friday in certain topic.While they prepare themselves in order to be successful in this competition,there is no doubt that they make their life much more interesting,adventurous,lively and colorful.

To sum up,while there are good arguments for against being competitive,I think,it will become more common for children to excel from their peer and to succeed in their future life

[Guru]

Though I am not Ryan I'll still dare to provide my comments.

Your essay is full of grammatical mistakes and at certain places shows wrong choice of words. This leads to a lack of coherence making it difficult to follow your arguments. I'd suggest you to run your essay through an online grammar checking website. Just google and you'll find plenty.

For example, the introduction could be improved upon as follows:

People have different views on whether is it a good thing to encourage children to compete with each other or is it worthwhile to teach them how to cooperate with each other so that they become useful members of society. Although there are convincing arguments in favor of promoting a spirit of cooperation among children,I personally believe that providing a competitive environment for children, both at home and school would be more beneficial for the young ones.

[Muxtar]

hi Guru.
what score you would give this essay?

[Guru]

I'll give it 5.5 or 6.