Some people think that introducing new technology can improve people's quality of life in developing countries. However, others believe that free education should be offered. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
My writing as below:
People hold different views about the possible measures for an improved living standard of all citizens in third world nations. I believe that both technological advancement and free schooling should be promoted together for the well-being of the general inhabitants.
On the one hand, an education system which is free of charge is beneficial to individuals in several aspects. For example, in less developed areas, there is a greater disparity between the rich and the poor, in terms of financial budget, health condition and career prospect. Therefore, a cost-free education would bring equality to everyone because being equipped with knowledge and skills can open the doors to a higher possibility of qualified careers. Consequently, the less fortunate are able to enhance their standard of living as opportunities are given for well-educated and capable people. Consequently, the economy as a whole is likely to achieve its balance and the big gap between the affluent and their counterparts would be covered.
On the other hand, advances in technology have revolutionized the way people live, work and relax. Instead of spending time and effort on household chores, state-of-the-art facilities are introduced to facilitate our daily life, and people thus will have more quality time either for themselves or with their loved ones. Another advantage brought by technological inventions can be observed in hospitals with modern medical equipment. Having the assistance of accurate and intelligent robots in operation, the rate of accidents is likely to reduce. Finally, the appearance of computers has a positive impact on the productivity of workers; and hence helps them to promote a sense of satisfaction.
In conclusion, while technological advances play an important role in the citizens’ life, cost-free education should be treated with equal importance.
task 2: discussion and opinion, please help to assess my writing
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Thanks for your submission dothihiep!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
MANY DIFFERENT VIEWS ARE HELD about possible measures TO improve THE living standard of THE citizens in third world nations. I believe that both technological advancement and free schooling should be promoted SIDE-BY-SIDE for the well-being of the general inhabitants.
B1:
On the one hand, an education system which is free of charge is beneficial to POORER individuals in several aspects. FIRSTLY, in less developed areas, there is a greater disparity between the rich and the poor, in terms of financial budgetS, health conditionS and career prospectS. Therefore, a cost-free education would GO A LONG TO bringING equality to everyone because IT WOULD equip THESE PEOPLE with THE knowledge and skills THAT can open doors to a higher LEVEL of qualified careers. Consequently, the less fortunate are able to enhance their standard of living as opportunities are given for well-educated and capable people. FINALLY, the economy as a whole WOULD BE MORE likely to achieve A MORE EQUITABLE balance AS the HUGE gap between the affluent and their counterparts would be LESSENED.
B2:
On the other hand, advances in technology have revolutionized the way people live, work and relax (NICE SENTENCE
). Instead of spending time and effort on household chores, state-of-the-art facilities CAN BE introduced to facilitate our daily life, and people will THUS have more quality time either for themselves or TO SPEND with their loved ones. Another advantage brought by technological inventions can be observed in hospitals with modern medical equipment. Having the assistance of accurate and intelligent robots in operation, the rate of accidents is likely to reduce. Finally, the appearance of computers WILL ALSO HAVE a positive impact on the productivity of worker, and hence help them to promote a sense of satisfaction.
CONC:
In conclusion, while technological advances play an important role in the citizens’ life, cost-free education should be treated with equal importance. THE RESULTING BENEFITS TO THE POORER MEMBERS OF SOCIETY WOULD EASILY OFFSET THE FINANCIAL OUTLAY TO THE GOVERNMENT.
Advice:
1.Write a little more in the conclusion. One sentence feels a little bit short.
2. Don't repeat the same linking words in two consecutive sentences ('Consequently' in the first paragraph).
3. Don't use a semi-colon and a conjunction together (; + and) like the end of B2. The semi-colon and a conjunction have the same meaning.
TA: 7.0
G: 7.0
V: 7.5
CC: 5.5
Homepage: https://www.this-course.com
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbVrKy ... LmQirBfSTw
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thiscoursesocial/
Thanks for your submission dothihiep!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
MANY DIFFERENT VIEWS ARE HELD about possible measures TO improve THE living standard of THE citizens in third world nations. I believe that both technological advancement and free schooling should be promoted SIDE-BY-SIDE for the well-being of the general inhabitants.
B1:
On the one hand, an education system which is free of charge is beneficial to POORER individuals in several aspects. FIRSTLY, in less developed areas, there is a greater disparity between the rich and the poor, in terms of financial budgetS, health conditionS and career prospectS. Therefore, a cost-free education would GO A LONG TO bringING equality to everyone because IT WOULD equip THESE PEOPLE with THE knowledge and skills THAT can open doors to a higher LEVEL of qualified careers. Consequently, the less fortunate are able to enhance their standard of living as opportunities are given for well-educated and capable people. FINALLY, the economy as a whole WOULD BE MORE likely to achieve A MORE EQUITABLE balance AS the HUGE gap between the affluent and their counterparts would be LESSENED.
B2:
On the other hand, advances in technology have revolutionized the way people live, work and relax (NICE SENTENCE
). Instead of spending time and effort on household chores, state-of-the-art facilities CAN BE introduced to facilitate our daily life, and people will THUS have more quality time either for themselves or TO SPEND with their loved ones. Another advantage brought by technological inventions can be observed in hospitals with modern medical equipment. Having the assistance of accurate and intelligent robots in operation, the rate of accidents is likely to reduce. Finally, the appearance of computers WILL ALSO HAVE a positive impact on the productivity of worker, and hence help them to promote a sense of satisfaction.CONC:
In conclusion, while technological advances play an important role in the citizens’ life, cost-free education should be treated with equal importance. THE RESULTING BENEFITS TO THE POORER MEMBERS OF SOCIETY WOULD EASILY OFFSET THE FINANCIAL OUTLAY TO THE GOVERNMENT.
Advice:
1.Write a little more in the conclusion. One sentence feels a little bit short.
2. Don't repeat the same linking words in two consecutive sentences ('Consequently' in the first paragraph).
3. Don't use a semi-colon and a conjunction together (; + and) like the end of B2. The semi-colon and a conjunction have the same meaning.
TA: 7.0
G: 7.0
V: 7.5
CC: 5.5
