Writing Task 2 : Evaluation Needed

[Alakesh]

Question

In many countries women and men are working full time. It is therefore, logical for women and men to share household works. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer

In the current situation, the categorization in the number of working people can not be done with the parameter of gender. Both men and women are equally able to work outside the house environment in many countries. Does it mean that men and women should share household works at the same time?
The role of male and female in society is a matter of cultural values. There are several places in this world where we can see the patriarchy, where a man holds the power of the family. He is fully responsible for the income part and the female is solely devoted to the work of households. Though it is a very common thing nowadays, we can see the other way around in some of the places in Africa. This age-old places worship the role of the woman in society and fully dependent on the decisions of her. Within this context, someone can easily argue that the logic behind women and men sharing household works is not valid. Because we had already decided the role for each of them and we expect them to continue with the rules.
We are continuously progressing through an era where each one of us is trying to become independent. This thought process gives the freedom of any kind of reliability on any factors. Now we understand the importance of money in our lives and we are willing to continue the journey with a more holistic viewpoint and fewer dependencies. The differences between the role of males and female already become thin in many places like Sweden, Denmark and other developing countries. The need for engaging in household works has become a very common thing for both men and women. It is a sign of a progressive society where this kind of question is considered as a matter of gender discrimination.
To conclude, men and women have differences in biology, and that is the universal truth. In my opinion, if we start considering the need for each other rather than the question of what does society or any other factor want something from each of them, then we can easily overcome any pointless question like who should share the household works.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission alakesh!! Please see my rewrite below ... :ugeek:INTRO:

In TODAY'S WORLD, WORKING PEOPLE CANNOT BE THOUGHT OF SIMPLY IN TERMS OF GENDER, AS both men and women are equally able to work outside the house environment in many countries. Does THIS mean that men and women should ALSO share household works at the same time?

B1:
ONE JUSTIFICATION OF WHY MEN AND WOMEN SHOULD HAVE SEPARATE ROLES IS THAT the role of males and females in society is a matter of cultural values. There are several places in this world where we can SEE THAT the patriarchy IS DOMINANT, where a man holds the power of the family. He is fully responsible for income and the female is solely devoted to the work of THE household. Though THIS is very common nowadays, we can ALSO see THINGS the other way around in some PARTS OF Africa. IN THESE age-old places THE FEMALE AND HER ROLE IN SOCIETY IS worshipPED and EVERYBODY IS fully dependent ON her DECISIONS. Within this context, ONE can easily argue that the logic behind women and men sharing household work (WORK = UNCOUNTABLE) is not valid Because SOCIETY HAS already decided each of THEIR ROLES AND expectS them to ABIDE withIN the rules.

B2:
ON THE OTHER HAND, AN EXPLANATION OF WHY WE SHOULD NOT SEPARATE ROLES ACCORDING TO GENDER IS THAT PEOPLE ARE continuously progressing INTO an era where each one of us is trying to become independent. This IDEA gives the freedom of any kind of reliability on any factors (CANNOT UNDERSTAND ). Now we understand the importance of money in our lives and we are willing to continue the journey with a more holistic viewpoint and fewer dependencies. The differences between male and female ROLES HAS already become thin in many places like Sweden, Denmark and other developing countries. FURTHERMORE, the need TO ENGAGE in household work (UNCOUNTABLE) has become a very common thing for both men and women. It is a sign of a progressive society where this kind of question is considered as a matter of gender discrimination.

CONC:
To conclude, men and women have differences in biology, and that is A universal truth. In my opinion, if we start considering the needS OF each other rather than the question of what society or any other factor wantS from each of PERSON, then we WILL BE easily ABLE TO overcome any pointless question like who should share the household worK.

Advice:
1. Start your topic sentences (first sentence in a body) with a connecting phrase like 'One justification of why ... is that ..... "
2. Watch simple grammatical errors like 'work'/'works'. This will pull your grammar score down a lot.
3. Make sure all your sentences can be understood.

TA: 7.5 (nice ideas about Africa and Scandinavia)
G: 7.0
V: 8.0
CC: 8.0 (Very complex linking sometimes across and within whole sentences)

Great job!!