Please Evaluate Writing task 2

[aashish1919]

Some people believe that children should not be given homework everyday, while others believe that they must get homework everyday in order to be successful at school. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.


There is an argument among people who believe that children should be given homework everyday and those who believe the alternative. In this essay, I would like to discuss the views of both sides and try to explain why I believe that children should not be given homework everyday.

Many parents evaluate their children’s growth on the marks they get in the exam. They believe that doing homework continuously will improve their memory, handwriting and knowledge. They even state that playing or watching television is a waste of time and a student should study even outside of school. When children do not have any homework, they disturb their parents at home or go play outdoors which concerns the parents about their security as well as their tidiness.

However, I believe that a child should not be burdened with lots of homework because it takes away the time they spend with their parents. The education from school is only one metric among many others that a child has to learn to be successful in life. As an example, children can learn how to help their mother in the kitchen or their father with his tools. Learning unique skills than other students also increases their chances of being ahead than their competitors in the long run. For instance, children who play games in their parents mobile learn to operate technology, surf the internet as well as follow rules. These are some knowledge that one cannot learn by writing daily homework.

To conclude, while homework is important for a child’s mental growth, it should not be considered compulsory everyday let alone be used to judge a child’s successfulness. Hence, I strongly believe that homework should not be given day after day.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission aashish1919!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
There is SOME DISAGREEMENT ABOUT WHETHER children should be given homework everyday OR NOT. In this essay, I would like to discuss the views of both sides and try to explain why I believe that children should not be given homework everyday.

B1:
Many parents evaluate their THE growth OF THEIR CHILDREN BASED on the marks they get in (delete "the") examS. They believe that IF THEIR CHILDREN DO A LOT OF homework, IT will improve their memory, handwriting and knowledge. THESE SAME PARENTS even state that playing or watching television is a waste of time and a student should study even WHEN THEY ARE outside of school. When children do not have any homework, they MIGHT disturb their parents at home or go AND play outdoors, which concerns the parents about NOT ONLY their security BUT ALSO their tidiness.

B2:
However, I believe that a child should not be burdened with A LOT OF of homework because it takes away the time THAT they CAN spend with their parents. The education from school is only one FACTOR among many others that a child has to learn IN ORDER to be successful in life. As an example, children can learn how to help their mother in the kitchen or their father with his tools. Learning unique skills THAT other students DON'T HAVE also increases their chances of being ahead OF their competitors in the long run. For instance, children who play games ON their parents mobileS/MOBILE PHONES learn to operate technology, surf the internet, AND follow rules. AFTER ALL, THERE IS some knowledge that one cannot learn by SIMPLY DOING daily homework.

CONC:
To conclude, while homework is important for THE mental growth OF ALL CHILDREN, it should not be considered compulsory TO DO IT everyday, let alone be used to judge a child’s successfulness. Hence, I strongly believe that homework should not be given day after day.

Advice:
1. Don't use apostrophe + s ('s) as in "children's growth". Reword as "the growth of their children" or similar "Noun + prepositional phrase"
2. Add some modal verbs in appropriate places ("might disturb...")
3. Try to get a better mastery of 2-part connectors i.e. "not only ..... but ....."
4. Don't shorten relative clauses (don't delete 'that'). i.e. line 1 B2.
5. LIST = "a, b, and c". NOT "a, ,b, as well as c"

NICE ESSAY!!!
TA: 7.0
G: 6.5+
V: 6.5
CC: 6.0

Anthony Schultz.

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[aashish1919]

Thank you. i will work on the mentioned points.

[goldcoastielts]

Good luck!