writinf Task 2 Please eveluate

[ppatelronak]

studies shows that crime rates are lower among those with educational degrees. Therefore, the best way to reduce crime rate is to educate criminals while they are still in prison to what extent do you agree or disagree?


Education helps people not only to earn mony it gives horizon to differenciate between good and bad too. ther are many who consider criminals cannot be rehabilitated by any mean. While others, including me, consider giving education is the best way to divert criminals from offences.

Education have a great impact on people’s behavior but it is preposterous to say that all criminals are illiterate. Although it is more common that most of the offenders are uneducated, there are some instances when even educated commits sophisticated crime. Cyber crime, for instance, is not possible without thorough knowledge of computer science. These type of crime considered as petty crime which do not harm physically to the victim. So, giving education to a geneus criminals is like wasting government’s money and time.

On other hand, education plays a mejor role to creat crime free city. Most of the violent crimes are performed by uneducated people. Lack of formal education creats unemployment. Which becomes a prominent reason for becoming a offender. If a criminal is educated in prison, there will be a huge chances that criminals may rehabilitate. Countries like Denmark and England have amended their acts for not giving sentence for petty crime. It would be a disaster if a persone, who downloaded pirated music, sentenced with a murerer. Hence it is the best way to rehabilitate criminals by giving them education and providind jobs.

In conclusion, despite jail is appropriate place for criminals sentence period should be made productive by giving education and rehabilitation training.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission ppatelronak!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Education helps people not only to earn monEy, BUT it ALSO gives THEM THE BASIS ON WHICH to differenTiate between (change 'good and bad' to "right and wrong") (delete 'too'). TherE are many who BELIEVE THAT criminals cannot be rehabilitated by any meanS, (use comma) while others, including me, ARE OF THE BELIEF THAT giving THESE PEOPLE AN education is the best way to STOP THEM FROM COMMITTING CRIMINAL OFFENCES.

B1:
Education HAS a great impact on people’s behavior but it is preposterous to say that all criminals are illiterate. Although it is more common FOR offenders TO BE uneducated, there are some instances when even THE educated commit (delete 's') sophisticated crimeS. Cyber crime, for instance, is not possible without A thorough knowledge (add 'a' for a specific kind of knowledge) of computer science. These typeS of OFFENCES (don't repeat) ARE considered as petty crimeS which do not harm physically to the victim ... do any physical harm to the victim. So, PROVIDING AN education to HIGHLY INTELLIGENT criminals is BASICALLY wasting THE government’s money and time.

B2:
On other hand, education plays a MAJOR role IN creatIBNG A crime-free city. Most of the violent crimes are COMMITTED by uneducated people AND a lack of formal education WHIHCH creatEs unemployment. THIS IN TURN becomes a MAJOR reason for becoming a offender. If a criminal is educated in prison, there will be a VERY BIG chance that HE OR SHE WILL BE rehabilitateD. Countries like Denmark and England have amended their acts for not giving sentence for petty crime ... so that sentences are not handed down for petty crimes. It would be a disaster if a person, who downloaded pirated music, WAS GIVEN THE SAME sentence AS a murerer. Hence (delete 'it is') the best way to rehabilitate criminals IS by giving them education and providinG THEM WITH jobs.

CONC:
In conclusion, despite jail BEING AN appropriate place for criminals, THE sentencING period should be made productive by giving THEM AN education and rehabilitation training.


ADVICE:
1. Watch the spelling (money, differentiate ...)
2. Some words, like 'genius', are not usually used as adjective i.e. "genius criminials"
3. The grammar in the B1 is much stronger than in the B2. Did you get tired in the B2?? Try to keep the grammar quality even.
4. The conclusion is less than half the size of the introduction.Try to keep them approximately the same size! (About 30 words each).

BAND-SCORE:
TA: 6.0
G: 5.5
V: 6.0
CC: 5.5

[ppatelronak]

thanks, glodcoastielts for the evaluation

[goldcoastielts]

No problem!

Hope it helps you ...