Task 2 writing. Please evaluate my response.

[dinosaur2007]

Question:
In some cultures, children are told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

Answer:

Childhood is an extremely important phase in our lives, during which lots of concepts and principles are instilled in their brains. One of the pieces of advice some parents provide to their children is that everything can be easily obtained by hard trials. However, there are advantages and disadvantages to this.

To begin with, when bringing up our children, we always strive to make them the best people when they grow up. It is a well-known fact that this world is very competitive, and if children are not raised up to believe that they should do their best if they want to achieve something, this will not work in their favour. In other words, when they grow up and they are employed but they do not try to upgrade their skills and go the extra mile, they are likely to end up being fired because they will not live to the employers’ expectations. This is one of the advantages of raising our children like this. Another point to consider is related to the drawbacks that could arise if this does not happen during the early years. In my opinion, a country without a great proportion of go-getters would most likely suffer from poverty and chaos, since its people lose hope very early and accept fairly low standards. There are some of the positives that can be seen as a result of asking our children to be hard workers.

Nonetheless, there seem to be some downsides that are claimed to be true by some people. These people usually refer to the period of childhood as the period of playing and enjoyment. If those youngsters are asked to be very serious and are deprived of their ability to enjoy their time, this could result in a considerable pressure built up inside their minds. This is especially true if their trials fail, which may fill them with despair. However, this does not seem like a convincing reasoning to me, as the opposite of this can happen. While children are not supposed to be pressured, they still need to learn how life works, otherwise, they would have to learn this the harder way when they grow up. Moreover, young people are known for their ability to absorb what they are taught much faster and more efficiently than older ones. I believe that this should be made good use of very well. Thus, despite the claimed downsides, I do not support their point of view.

In conclusion, teaching children to do their best and try hard to reach their goals remains a controversial topic; however, I do believe that its advantages far outweigh its disadvantages.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission dinosaur2007!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Childhood is an extremely important phase in our lives, during which TIME A LOT of concepts and principles are instilled inTO CHILDRENS' ('THEIR' does not refer back to anybody) brains. One of the pieces of advice some parents provide to their children is that everything can be easily obtained THROUGH hard trials. However, there are advantages and disadvantages to this.

B1:
To begin with, when bringing our children UP, we always strive to make them INTO the best people THEY CAN BE when they HAVE growN up. It is a well-known fact that this world is very competitive, and if children are not raised up to believe that they should do their best if they want to achieve something, this will not work in their favour. In other words, when they grow up and they are employed but they do not try to upgrade their skills and go the extra mile, they are likely to end up being fired because they will not live to the employers’ expectations . This is one of the advantages of raising our children IN THIS WAY. Another point to consider is related to the drawbacks that could arise if this does not TAKE PLACE during the early years. In my opinion, a country THAT DOES NOT HAVE a great proportion of go-getters would most likely suffer from poverty and chaos, since its people lose hope very early and accept fairly low standards. THESE are some of the positives that can be seen as a result of asking our children to be hard workers.

B2:
Nonetheless, there seem to be some downsides that are claimed to be true by some people. These people LIKE TO STRESS THE FACT THAT childhood SHOULD BE A period of playing and enjoyment. If those youngsters are asked to be very serious and are deprived of their ability to enjoy their time, this could result in a LARGE AMOUNT OF PRESSURE BUILDING up inside their minds. This is especially true if WHAT THEY TRY TO ACHIEVE failS, which may fill them with despair. However, this does not seem like (delete 'a') VERY convincing reasoning to me, as the opposite of this can ACTUALLY happen. While children are not supposed to be pressured, they still need to learn how life works. Otherwise, they would have to learn this the HARD way when they grow up. Moreover, young people are known for their ability to absorb what they are taught much faster and more efficiently than older PEOPLE DO. I believe that this QUALITY should be made good use of (delete 'very well') ... VERY GOOD USE SHOULD BE MADE OF THIS QUALITY. Thus, despite the claimed downsides, I do not support their point of view.

CONC:
In conclusion, teaching children to do their best and try hard to reach their goals remains a controversial topic; however, I do believe that THE advantages OF DOING SO far outweigh THE disadvantages.

Excellent effort...

Advice:
1. Sometimes the sentences are a little long and hard to follow. Try to focus more on linking and continuing ideas, rather that writing super long sentences.
2. Be careful about your phrasing. You have excellent English knowledge of the grammar and vocabulary, but try now to learn the really natural phrasing of the English language. A few examples were given above.
3. NONE

Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 8.0
V: 8.0
CC: 8.0

[dinosaur2007]

Thank you for this amazing feedback. This is very valuable and confidence-boosting at the same time.
I would like to ask you for an advice though. You mentioned that I should learn the really natural phrasing of the English language. I totally agree with you, and this is one of the things I really struggle at, but I couldn't find a way to learn this the right way. Do you have any resource that can help me fill this gap?

Thank you.

[goldcoastielts]

Hi there! Good question!

I think no matter how much grammar and vocabulary you study, you will never be able to get perfect phrasing.

HOWEVER, I think the two best ways to improve your phrasing are to read a lot of good books, and take notice of the phrasing that you like and think you could use.

Once you find some nice phrasing, put it in a special "phrasing notebook".

Hope this helped you!