please evaluate writing task 1 General

[ppatelronak]

A frind of yours is thinking of going on a camping holiday for the first time this summer. He/She has asked for your advice.
• explain why your friend wolud enjoy a camping holiday
• describe some possible disadvantages
• say wether you would like to gocampig with your friend in this summer


Dear Digvijay,

I hope you are pink on your health when you receive this letter. I was happy to receive your letter and feel fortunate to advise you about your most awaited summer holiday. As you explained you have planned to visit mount Abu camping site, where I went last year. I personally feel its a nice place for group camping. It have many areas where you and your group can enjoy beauty of nature. I wold personally suggest you for paragliding at the top of mountain. Don’t miss golden opportunities to do many other advanturace activities.

Althou mount Abu is best for group camping, I would never suggest it to solo travellers. There are many places where a solo travellers have threat of wild animals. Moreover many areas of mountain have sharp slope which are hard to climb. So, do not try them if you are amature. As moun Abu is near equator the temperature remains high during summer season so don’t forget to go without plenty of drinking water.

I have company meetings on the day you mentioned for camping in your last letter. So, unfortunately I would not join you in camping. I hope you enjoy your vacation in the nape of nature. If you change your dates let me inform. I will definitely join you in camping.

Hope you will enjoy your most awaited tour.

Regards,
Ronak Patel

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission ppatelronak!! Please see my rewrite below ...

Dear Digvijay,

I hope you are pink on your health in good health when you receive this letter. I was happy to receive your letter and feel fortunate to BE ABLE TO advise you about your LONG awaited summer holiday. As you explained you ARE plannING to visit THE Mount Abu camping site, where I went last year. I personally feel its a nice place for group camping. It HAS many areas where you and your group can enjoy THE beauty of nature. I woUld personally suggest PARAGLIDING FROM THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN. Don’t miss THE/THESE golden opportunities to do many other ADVENTURE activities (WHILE YOU ARE THERE).

AlthouGH mount Abu is best for group camping, I would never suggest it FOR solo travellers. There are many places where (delete 'a') solo travellers WILL BE threatENED BY wild animals. Moreover, (add comma) many areas of THE mountain have sharp slopeS (ARE STEEP) which MAKES THEM hard to climb. So, do not try them if you are AN amature. As mounT Abu is near equator the temperature remains high during THE summer season so don’t forget to TAKE plenty of drinking water WITH YOU.

I have company meetings on the day you WANTED TO GO camping in your last letter. So, unfortunately I would not join you in camping WILL NOT BE ABLE TO JOIN YOU (WHEN YOU GO CAMPING). I hope you enjoy your vacation in the HEART of nature. If you change your dates PLEASE inform ME. I will definitely join you in camping IF I CAN.

Hope you will enjoy your most LONG-awaited tour.

Regards,
Ronak Patel


Advice:
1. Don't make up funny idioms "pink in your health..."
2. "SUGGEST DOING SOMETHING" not "SUGGEST YOU...."
3. As this letter is to your friend, perhaps try to write in a more informal style. the examiners will definitely mark you on your level of formality, or REGISTER (informal, semi-forma, formal).
4. "NAPE" of nature ...

BAND-SCORE:
TA: 5.5-6.0 (TOO FORMAL)
G: 6.0
V: 6.5
CC: 6.0

[ppatelronak]

Thanks for your comments. I will try my best to rectify this all mistake next time.

[goldcoastielts]

Keep doing your best!