Task 2: Please evaluate and give your valuable feedback

[lucifer169]

Task 2 – Nowadays we are producing more and more rubbish. Why do you think this is happening? What can governments do to help reduce the amount of rubbish produced?


Earth, our home planet that we share with the plethora of different flora and fauna, is being ridiculed by this deluge of garbage being produced by us humans, rendering it unlivable for all and not just us the humans. Unfortunately, even though we know the harmful effects of excessive rubbish, we’re still producing massive amounts of it, worsening the environment rather than improving it.

There are a number of contributors to these mounds of garbage that we produce – excessive household wastage, overbearing industries, etc., and its worsened by the lack of a good infrastructure to deal with this waste. If we can figure out a solution for any one of these problems (if not all), there would be a tremendous decrease in the volume of garbage waste generated.

In order to curb this problem, the government needs to step in and implement policies around it. Excessive household garbage is something that can be easily tackled if individuals can start being more conscious about what they consume and what they waste. If the government can come up with incentives to reward citizens who contribute less waste and promote reuse and recycle of it, there would be a sharp decline in the production of household waste.

Another sector that requires strict policing by the government are the various manufacturing industries that produce mountains of garbage and just dump it out in nature (oceans, seas, landfills etc.). If the government can take strict actions against these companies and start penalizing them for these wastes, they can easily subsidize, if not eradicate, the excessive garbage production. If implemented properly, the money collected by these companies can be used as incentive money for citizens, ensuring that no stress is placed on the government’s coffers and achieve the desired goal at the same time.

Sooner or later, the governments have to start realizing the negative effects of excessive garbage on our environment and come up with counter measures like penalizing industries or incentivizing citizens to mitigate this issue. It is our duty as citizens of the world to ensure we leave the world in a better state than we got it in.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission lucifer169!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Earth, our home planet that we share with the plethora of different flora and fauna, is being SLOWLY DESTROYED (people can only ridicule other people) by THE deluge of garbage being produced by us humans, rendering it unlivEable for all and not just us the humans .. NOT ONLY FOR US HUMANS BUT ALSO FOR ANIMAL AND PLANT LIFE. Unfortunately, even though we know the harmful effects of PRODUCING EXCESS rubbish, we’re still producing massive amounts of it, WHICH WORSENS the environment rather than improving it.

B1:
There are a number of contributors to these mounds of garbage that we produce; (a dash is a little informal for this type of essay. I think your could use it in an informal general letter. A semi-colon would better suit your purpose here to introduce a list) excessive household wastage, overbearing industries, and bad government policy (a list should always have 3 elements in English for balance), and THE SITUATION IS worsened by the lack of (delete 'a') good infrastructure to deal with THE PROBLEM. If we can figure out a solution for any one of these problems (if not all) , there would be a tremendous decrease in the volume of garbage waste generated.

B2:
FIRSTLY, in order to curb this problem, the government needs to step in and implement policies around it. Excessive household garbage is something that can be easily tackled if individuals can start being more conscious about what they consume and what they waste. If the government can ALSO come up with incentives to reward citizens who contribute less waste and promote reusING and recyclING, there would be a sharp decline in the production of household waste.

B3:
Another sector that requires strict policing by the government IS the various manufacturing industries .. MANUFACTURING INDUSTRY that produceS mountains of garbage and just dumpS it out in NATURAL AREAS (oceans, seas, landfills etc.). If the government can take strict actions against these companies and start penalizing them for these wastes .. ALL THE WASTE THAT THEY PRODUCE, they WILL easily BE ABLE TO MINIMISE, if not eradicate, the excessive garbage production .. PRODUCTION OF EXCESSIVE GARBAGE / EXCESSIVE GARBAGE PRODUCTION (no 'the' for non-count noun). If implemented properly, the money collected FROM these companies can be used as incentive money for citizens .. (can't really understand what this means), ensuring that BOTH no stress is placed on the GOVERNMENT coffers and achieve the desired goal at the same time .. THE DESIRED GOAL CAN ALSO BE ACHIEVED.

CONC:
Sooner or later, (delete 'the') governments have to start realizing the negative effects of excessive garbage on our environment and come up with counter-measures (add hyphen) like penalizing industries or incentivizing citizens to mitigate this issue. It is our duty as citizens of the world to ensure we leave the world in a better state than we got it in .. THAT IN WHICH WE GOT IT.



Very good! Five paragraphs is a perfect structure for a problem-solution essay. Just try to use "COULD" and "WOULD" !
Also, if you are reading this, and your level is not as high as lucifer169, please do not be shy about posting your essay! We need to support everybody's efforts guys!

Advice:
1. Make sure you introduce your with connectors like 'firstly'
2. This is a "problem-solution" essay. When you gave your solutions in your B2 and B3, you made good use of the modal "CAN". In this type of essay it would be better to use "COULD" and "WOULD" more heavily. I have made a YouTube tutorial on this topic and left the link at the top of the page... However you did use 'WOULD' once in the B2, so that was good.
3. In the first sentence of your B3 there was a lot of confusion regarding number. The main subject of the sentence is the singular "sector", so the be verb refers back to that noun, not forward to the plural "industries". Because you made this mistake, there were some other mistakes in the rest of the sentence (produce, dump..).
4. You have to be very precise with your word choices. For example, 'subsidise' and 'minimise' have quite different meanings.
5. It's good that you are reaching for very high level grammar. For example, if you could have successfully written the last six words of the essay, your grammar score would be nearly 9.0.

Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 7.5
V: 8.0
CC: 7.0 (It might be better to use more traditional linking like "To conclude"...)

[lucifer169]

Thanks a lot for your review @goldcoastielts, really appreciate it

The main subject of the sentence is the singular "sector", so the be verb refers back to that noun, not forward to the plural "industries".

This was actually targeting multiple sectors (industries) and not one. But the fact that you didn't get that makes me want to rethink how to structure for my sentences

If implemented properly, the money collected FROM these companies can be used as incentive money for citizens .. (can't really understand what this means)

I was actually circling back to my primary point in B2 to try to connect it all together but looks like that got lost in the translation too -

If the government can ALSO come up with incentives to reward citizens who contribute less waste and promote reusING and recyclING,

One of the major takeaways for me from this review is to ensure that my sentences are simple enough to follow and my ideas are being clearly reflected by those sentences.

Thanks again for all the help!

[goldcoastielts]

Nice! Keep thinking hard about it all and you will get there for sure!