Please Evaluate: Writing task 2

[synaptium]

Nowadays online shopping is rapidly replacing physical shopping in stores.
Do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, in your view?


Since the emergence of the internet, online shopping has made our lives easier.
Many consumers now prefer to shop online instead of going to a physical store, despite the many hazards involved in shopping online.
Although, there are some who will argue that advantages outweigh the disadvantages. In this essay, i will discuss why the advantages of e-commerce far outweigh the disadvantages.


P1
Certainly, the proliferation of internet shopping has had some negative effects.
Identity theft and credit card fraud is an issue of concern when shopping online. There have been cases where hackers steal shoppers personal data from online store databases and use them fraudulently.
Another concern is the issue of the proliferation of fake products from countries like china. E-commerce stores, put up the original pictures of certain products and then procure the fake versions from overseas. The consumer buys the product online and the fake version gets delivered.
These are some of the problems of e-commerce that consumers face everyday.



P2
Despite these issues, the advantages to individuals and businesses are far more significant. Internet shopping is very convenient for the consumer because they can visit the store's website, choose items, pay for them and have them shipped sometimes in a matter of hours. The stores also do not have to invest too much on man power and shopping malls. This alone is a huge advantage of online shopping. Another advantage of online shopping is that consumers have access to bigger inventories. Shoppers can now visit multiple online stores and compare prices and features of products. An online shopping does not need to be limited to the stock of just one store as they have access to an unlimited number of online stores both locally and internationally. This also helps stores get more shoppers and more profit. These benefits of online shopping far outweigh the disadvantages.


Conclusion

In conclusion, it is a known fact that online shopping is the future of commerce in the 21st Century and will be adopted by more consumers. As with any other innovation it comes with its disadvantages. I am of the opinion however that the benefits of shopping online far outweighs the disadvantages.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission synaptium!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Since (delete 'the emergence of the internet, online shopping has made") ONLINE SHOPPING BECAME THE NORM A NUMBER OF YEARS AGO, our lives HAVE BECOME MUCH easier AND many consumers now prefer to shop online instead of going to a physical store, despite the many hazards involved (delete 'in shopping online'). Although (delete comma) there are some who will argue that advantages outweigh the disadvantages, in this essay I will discuss why the advantages of e-commerce far outweigh the disadvantages.

B1:
FIRSTLY, the proliferation of internet shopping has CERTAINLY had some negative effects. Identity theft and credit card fraud is an issue of concern when shopping onlinE AND there have been cases where hackers steal THE personal data OF SHOPPERS from online store databases and use them fraudulently. Another concern is the issue of the proliferation of fake products from countries like China (capital 'C'). E-commerce stores (delete comma here) put up the original pictures of certain products and then procure the fake versions from overseas (delete '. The consumer buys the product online and the fake version gets delivered') WHICH CONSUMERS THEN BUY ONLINE AND GET DELIVERED TO THEIR HOMES. These are some of the problems of e-commerce that consumers face everyday.

B2:
Despite THE issues OUTLINED IN THE PRECEDING PARAGRAPH, the advantages OF ONLINE SHOPPING to individuals and businesses are far more significant THAN THE DRAWBACKS. Internet shopping is very convenient for the consumer because they can visit the store's website, choose items, pay for them and have them shipped, (add comma here) sometimes in a matter of hours. The stores also do not have to invest too much on manpower and shopping malls, AND this alone is a huge advantage of online shopping. Another advantage of online shopping is that consumers have access to bigger inventories. Shoppers can now visit multiple online stores and compare prices and features of products. ONLINE SHOPPERS DO not HAVE to be limited to the stock of just one store as they have access to an unlimited number of online stores both locally and internationally. This also helps stores get more shoppers and BE more profitABLE. (delete 'These benefits of online shopping far outweigh the disadvantages.')

CONC:
In conclusion, it is a known fact that online shopping is the future of commerce in the 21st Century and will be adopted by more AND MORE consumers AS TIME GOES ON, BUT as with any other innovation, it comes with its disadvantages. I am of the opinion however that the benefits of shopping online far OUTWEIGH the disadvantages.



Good job! This is a lot better than the other one. Just try to join those shorter sentences together, especially when their is a clear meaning relationship!

Advice:
1. Try to avoid repetition i.e. 'online shopping' in the INTRO.
2. Check carefully how I joined some sentences together in your INTRO.
3. I don't think you need the two concluding sentences you added at the end of B1 and B2 ("These are some ... " and "These benefits of ..."). Try not to add little short sentences at the end of the body paragraphs. They feel a little like afterthoughts and don't really add anything new to the main idea.

Band-score:
TA: 7.5
G: 7.5
V: 7.5
CC: 6.5 (try to join sentences together a little more, otherwise the essay feels 'choppy' to the reader, and add more linking language at the beginning of each body sentence)

[synaptium]

Thanks, for the feedback. I still have a long way to go. Need to write my exam in late January

[goldcoastielts]

Don't give up. For sure you can do it. Just do a little bit each day.