The tabular chart illustrates the information about ratio of both sex employees in four sectors such as retail, health, manufacturing and tourism in two decades. Units are measured in percentage.
Overall, it can be seen that rates of workers in given four industries are different while in retail and manufacturing, percentile of men were higher and in other two sectors women percentage were high.
In detail, it is clear that in given two decades men's ratio in retail industry remained same at 13%, whereas women's percentage increased by 2% in twenty year period. In business of manufacturing, almost 30% men worked in year 1990 but in year 2010, ratio of men decreased dramatically to 10%. The rates of women who employed in manufacturing companies were 7%, 8% and 3% in year 1990, 2000, and 2010 respectively.
Looking in more detail, number of male workers remained stable in department of health from year 1990 to 2000, that were 7% and this number rose by 2% in next ten years. In the same industry number of female employees also inclined from 9% to 15% during the given period. Tourism industry was most preferred by women to work. About 23% women workers employed in year 1990 and percentage of women went up by 4% in year 2010. Men's ratio in tourism was 13% in year 1990 and it declined to 10% in 2000 and remained same in next decade.
Writing Task 1 - Please evaluate..
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Re: Writing Task 1 - Please evaluate..
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Thanks for your submission raviwaraichi95!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
The tabular chart illustrates (delete 'the') information about THE ratioS of EMPLOYEES OF both sexES in THE four sectors (delete 'such as') OF retail, health, manufacturing and tourism (DELETE 'in') OVER A PERIOD OF two decades, WITH units (delete 'are') measured in percentageS. Overall, it can be seen that rates of workers in THE four GIVEN industries are different while in retail and manufacturing, percentileS of men were higher and in THE other two sectors PERCENTAGES OF women were high.
DETAILS AND COMPARISON:
LOOKING IN MORE detail, it is clear that OVER THE two decades, THE RATIO OF men in retail industry remained THE same at 13%, whereas THE percentage OF WOMEN increased by 2% in THE twenty year period. In THE manufacturing BUSINESS, almost 30% OF men worked in THE year 1990 but in THE year 2010, THE ratio of men decreased dramatically to 10%. The rates of women who WERE employed in manufacturing companies were 7%, 8% and 3% in THE yearS 1990, 2000, and 2010 respectively. (delete 'Looking in more detail,') FURTHERMORE, THE number of male workers remained stable in department of health from (delete 'year') 1990 to 2000, AT 7%, and this number rose by 2% OVER THE next ten years. In the same industry THE number of female employees also incREASED from 9% to 15% during the given period. THE tourism industry was most preferred by women FOR work. About 23% women workers WERE employed in 1990 and THE percentage of women went up by 4% in THE year 2010. FOR men in tourism, THE RATIO was 13% in (DELETE 'year') 1990 and it declined to 10% in 2000 and remained THE same OVER THE next decade.
This is not a bad attempt. If you improve the little things listed below in "advice" it will be easy for you to raise the score quite quickly.
Advice:
1. I combined the first two sentences into one paragraph.
2. "the ratio of men" not "men's ratio"
3. You forgot to use "the" on many many occasions. Please study where I added it to the response. There are also sone other problems with "be" verbs.
4. There are quite a lot of little grammatical errors which are repeated throughout the response, which will lower the Grammar score a lot.
5. Your linking is a bit confusing. Please study how I put you first two paragraphs together in one paragraph, and your third and fourth paragraphs together in another paragraph.
6. It would be good to add some COMPARING LANGUAGE. Please see my youtube video above.
Band-score:
TA: 6.0
G: 5.0
V: 6.0
CC: 5.0
Homepage: https://www.this-course.com
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbVrKy ... LmQirBfSTw
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thiscoursesocial/
Thanks for your submission raviwaraichi95!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
The tabular chart illustrates (delete 'the') information about THE ratioS of EMPLOYEES OF both sexES in THE four sectors (delete 'such as') OF retail, health, manufacturing and tourism (DELETE 'in') OVER A PERIOD OF two decades, WITH units (delete 'are') measured in percentageS. Overall, it can be seen that rates of workers in THE four GIVEN industries are different while in retail and manufacturing, percentileS of men were higher and in THE other two sectors PERCENTAGES OF women were high.
DETAILS AND COMPARISON:
LOOKING IN MORE detail, it is clear that OVER THE two decades, THE RATIO OF men in retail industry remained THE same at 13%, whereas THE percentage OF WOMEN increased by 2% in THE twenty year period. In THE manufacturing BUSINESS, almost 30% OF men worked in THE year 1990 but in THE year 2010, THE ratio of men decreased dramatically to 10%. The rates of women who WERE employed in manufacturing companies were 7%, 8% and 3% in THE yearS 1990, 2000, and 2010 respectively. (delete 'Looking in more detail,') FURTHERMORE, THE number of male workers remained stable in department of health from (delete 'year') 1990 to 2000, AT 7%, and this number rose by 2% OVER THE next ten years. In the same industry THE number of female employees also incREASED from 9% to 15% during the given period. THE tourism industry was most preferred by women FOR work. About 23% women workers WERE employed in 1990 and THE percentage of women went up by 4% in THE year 2010. FOR men in tourism, THE RATIO was 13% in (DELETE 'year') 1990 and it declined to 10% in 2000 and remained THE same OVER THE next decade.
This is not a bad attempt. If you improve the little things listed below in "advice" it will be easy for you to raise the score quite quickly. Advice:
1. I combined the first two sentences into one paragraph.
2. "the ratio of men" not "men's ratio"
3. You forgot to use "the" on many many occasions. Please study where I added it to the response. There are also sone other problems with "be" verbs.
4. There are quite a lot of little grammatical errors which are repeated throughout the response, which will lower the Grammar score a lot.
5. Your linking is a bit confusing. Please study how I put you first two paragraphs together in one paragraph, and your third and fourth paragraphs together in another paragraph.
6. It would be good to add some COMPARING LANGUAGE. Please see my youtube video above.
Band-score:
TA: 6.0
G: 5.0
V: 6.0
CC: 5.0
