Writing Task 2 - Please evaluate my essay and give your valuable feedback!

[afaque99]

Some people believe that a person’s intelligence is inherited from the parents, while others believe that their environment is the main factor. Discuss these views. Which factor do you think is mostly responsible for intelligence?
You should give reasons for your answer, and include ideas and examples from your own knowledge and experience.

Write at least 250 words.

The question of whether a person’s intelligence is genetically transferred from the parents or it is the environment, in which a person has been raised has a major impact, is very topical today. There are valid arguments on both sides, which I will discuss now.

On the one hand, some people feel that parents genetically transfer their cognitive abilities such as the ability to reason, plan, solve problems and think critically to their offspring. In other words, it is safer to say that children inherit intelligence from their parents. Moreover, there are many examples that show that intelligent people have intelligent kids. For example, my uncle is a physicist, he has a Ph.D. degree in nuclear physics. He is considered the most intelligent person in my family, and his son, who is only 7 years old, knows programming languages that he uses to solve different mathematical problems.

On the other hand, one major belief among people is that the environment has a major impact on one’s intelligence. If children are homeschooled, they would not be as intelligent and competitive as their counterparts who went to school. After all, the school does not only teach the syllabus but also teaches how to understand others in a classroom environment, how to compete with other children at the same level, and how to understand different teachers and their learning methods. It is notable, for example, that many smarter and successful people attended some best schools in their lives.

In conclusion, although, there are some cognitive abilities including intelligence that children inherit from their parents. I feel that the environment has a bigger role in a person’s intelligence and how it shapes their overall personality.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission afaque99!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
The question of whether a person’s intelligence is genetically transferred from the parents or (delete 'it') is A PRODUCT OF the environment (delete comma) in which a person has been raised (delete 'has a major impact'), is very topical today. There are valid arguments on both sides, which I will discuss now. Strong intro.

B1:
On the one hand, some people feel that parents genetically transfer their cognitive abilities (such as the ability to reason, plan, solve problems and think critically) to their offspring. In other words, it MAY BE safer to say that children inherit intelligence from their parents. Moreover, there are many examples WHICH show that intelligent people have intelligent kids. For example, my uncle is a physicist, he has a (change 'Ph.D. degree') DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY in nuclear physics. He is considered the most intelligent person in my family, and his son, who is only 7 years old, knows HOW TO USE programming languages (delete 'that he uses') to solve different mathematical problems.

B2:
On the other hand, one major belief among ANOTHER GROUP OF people is that the environment has a major impact on one’s intelligence. If children are homeschooled, they MIGHT (we can't really say this is certain in ALL cases) not be as intelligent and competitive as their counterparts who went to REGULAR school. After all, (delete 'the') schoolS DO not only teach the syllabus but also TEACH how to understand others in a classroom environment, how to compete with other children at the same level, and how to understand different teachers and their learning methods (great sentence ). It is notable, for example , that many smarter and successful people attended some best schools in their lives. (This sentence is very hard to understand and demands a rewrite ..... "IT IS NOTABLE, FOR EXAMPLE, THAT MANY OF THE SMARTEST AND MOST SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO WENT TO THE BEST SCHOOL AND UNIVERSITIES")

CONC:
In conclusion, although (delete comma) there are some cognitive abilities including intelligence that children inherit from their parents, (change to comma) I feel that the environment has a bigger role in a person’s intelligence and how it shapes their overall personality.



Well done afaque99. This is an incredibly strong essay on all fronts. You should be proud. Merry Xmas

Advice:
1. Sometimes it can be a good idea to include lists within parentheses to avoid confusing the listener with long sections of text.
2. Usually a "modal + be" is better than simply the "be" verb because you can hedge your opinion a little and make it softer. (B1 sentence 2)
3. Avoid repeating 'that' by changing the first 'that' to 'which'. (B1 sentence 3
4. Don't say "connecting phrase + comma + adverbial connector + comma". Say "connecting phrase + comma + adverbial connector + no comma"
i.e. In conclusion, although .......

Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 7.5
V: 8.0
CC: 8.0

[afaque99]

Hi, goldcoastielts,

Thank you so much for evaluating my essay. Your re-write and comments are really helpful.

Happy New year!
Afaque Siddique

[goldcoastielts]

Thanks Afaque!

Happy new year to you and everybody else planning to take the IELTS exam this year.

Hope you destroy the exam!!