Hi!
Can you please evaluate this writing for task 2? I thank you a lot for your work!!
The first car appeared on British roads in 1888. By the year 2000 there
may be as many as 29 million vehicles on British roads.
Alternative forms of transport should be encouraged and
international laws introduced to control car ownership and use.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
MY RESPONSE:
Since 1888, when the first car was built, these vehicles have walked a long way, as they have become more and more popular over the years: there are projections that state that there would be about 29 milion of cars in British streets by the year 2000.
The wide-spread use of this transport-mode has created lots of concerns; as a consequence, many people claim that there should be a more active policy aiming to incentive the utilization of different way of transports.
I agree that there are many cons in this "car-epidemic", but I think that there are also many delicate aspects to be considered to implement this kind of policies, such as the huge investment that a public transport requires to be a good substitute of cars.
Governments complain about car abuse because it is well-known that the fumes produced by cars are a main cause of the pollution in our cities; furthermore, many places have problems in managing traffic: lots of cars invade the roads, leading people to be stressed because they often end up stucked in the traffic jam.
Moreover, car accidents are one of the major cause of death in the globe.
However, it has to be saied that if cars had become so wide-spread there may be a reason. In fact, they are essential in our daily lives, because they are comfortable and much more flexible than the public transport offered in the vast majority of cities!
Furthermore, people prefer to make use of private cars also for hygiene reasons, since they feel them to be cleaner.
To conclude, I believe that it would be fair that governmental institutions find a way to incentive people to utilize more sustainable vehicles. But i think that it would not be optimal to substitute traditional cars with electric ones, since the issue of deaths and traffic would remain.
I am convinced that an effective public transport system would be the optimal solution, but for this huge investments are required, since such a system is currently lacking in most cities of the world.
TASK 2
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goldcoastielts
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Re: TASK 2
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Thanks for your submission mcn!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
Since 1888, when the first car was built, these vehicles have COME a long way, (delete 'as they') AND have become more and more popular over the years: (delete 'there are projections that state that there would be') IN FACT, THERE WERE about 29 milLion (delete 'of') cars in British streets by the year 2000. The wide-spread use of this transport mode (delete hyphen) has created lots of concerns; as a consequence, many people claim that there should be a more active policy aiming to incentive the utilization of OTHER transports METHODS.
I agree that there are many cons in this "car-epidemic", but I think that there are also many delicate aspects to be considered WHEN IMPLEMENTING thESE kindS of policies, such as the huge investment that a public transport SYSTEM (or "public transport" without 'a') requires to be a good substitute of cars.
B1:
FIRSTLY/ON THE ONE HAND, governments complain about car abuse because it is well-known that the fumes produced by cars are ONE OF THE main causeS of the pollution in our cities. Furthermore, many places have problems in managing traffic: lots of cars invade the roads, leading TO people BECOMING stressed because they often end up STUCK in (delete 'the') traffic jamS.
Moreover, car accidents are one of the major causeS of death AROUND the globe.
B2:
ON THE OTHER HAND, it has to be said that if cars HAVE become so wide-spread there MUST be a GOOD reason. In fact, they are essential in our daily lives (delete comma here) because they are comfortable and much more flexible than the public transport offered in the vast majority of cities.
Furthermore, people prefer to make use of private cars also for hygiene reasons, since they feel them to be cleaner.
CONC:
To conclude, I believe that it would be fair IF governmental institutions FOUND a way to incentive people to utilize more sustainable vehicles, but I think that it would not be optimal to substitute traditional cars with electric ones, since the issue of deaths and traffic would remain.
I am convinced that an effective public transport system would be the optimal solution, but for this huge investments are required, AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY such a system is currently lacking in most cities of the world.
Good first effort. If you fix a few things, your score will go up quite quickly.
Advice:
1. Try not to overuse colons and semi-colons. If you overuse any one technique too many times, the examiner will notice. One colon or semi-colon would probably be enough in a 250 word essay.
2. There are quite a few number issues in this essay. Especially when it comes to singular/plural, and uncountable nouns. Try to fix these basic errors!
3. I think the essay is very long. Try to keep the introduction and conclusion much shorter - probably two sentences would be fine. All the other information should be in the body paragraphs.
4. Don't start a sentence with "But"!
5. You didn't really talk about the "policies" part of the question very much. It would have been good to talk about alternative forms in the B1, and international laws in the B2.
Band-score:
TA: 5.5
G: 6.0
V: 6.5
CC: 5.0
Homepage: https://www.this-course.com
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbVrKy ... LmQirBfSTw
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thiscoursesocial/
Thanks for your submission mcn!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
Since 1888, when the first car was built, these vehicles have COME a long way, (delete 'as they') AND have become more and more popular over the years: (delete 'there are projections that state that there would be') IN FACT, THERE WERE about 29 milLion (delete 'of') cars in British streets by the year 2000. The wide-spread use of this transport mode (delete hyphen) has created lots of concerns; as a consequence, many people claim that there should be a more active policy aiming to incentive the utilization of OTHER transports METHODS.
I agree that there are many cons in this "car-epidemic", but I think that there are also many delicate aspects to be considered WHEN IMPLEMENTING thESE kindS of policies, such as the huge investment that a public transport SYSTEM (or "public transport" without 'a') requires to be a good substitute of cars.
B1:
FIRSTLY/ON THE ONE HAND, governments complain about car abuse because it is well-known that the fumes produced by cars are ONE OF THE main causeS of the pollution in our cities. Furthermore, many places have problems in managing traffic: lots of cars invade the roads, leading TO people BECOMING stressed because they often end up STUCK in (delete 'the') traffic jamS.
Moreover, car accidents are one of the major causeS of death AROUND the globe.
B2:
ON THE OTHER HAND, it has to be said that if cars HAVE become so wide-spread there MUST be a GOOD reason. In fact, they are essential in our daily lives (delete comma here) because they are comfortable and much more flexible than the public transport offered in the vast majority of cities.
Furthermore, people prefer to make use of private cars also for hygiene reasons, since they feel them to be cleaner.
CONC:
To conclude, I believe that it would be fair IF governmental institutions FOUND a way to incentive people to utilize more sustainable vehicles, but I think that it would not be optimal to substitute traditional cars with electric ones, since the issue of deaths and traffic would remain.
I am convinced that an effective public transport system would be the optimal solution, but for this huge investments are required, AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY such a system is currently lacking in most cities of the world.
Good first effort. If you fix a few things, your score will go up quite quickly. Advice:
1. Try not to overuse colons and semi-colons. If you overuse any one technique too many times, the examiner will notice. One colon or semi-colon would probably be enough in a 250 word essay.
2. There are quite a few number issues in this essay. Especially when it comes to singular/plural, and uncountable nouns. Try to fix these basic errors!
3. I think the essay is very long. Try to keep the introduction and conclusion much shorter - probably two sentences would be fine. All the other information should be in the body paragraphs.
4. Don't start a sentence with "But"!
5. You didn't really talk about the "policies" part of the question very much. It would have been good to talk about alternative forms in the B1, and international laws in the B2.
Band-score:
TA: 5.5
G: 6.0
V: 6.5
CC: 5.0
