Please Evaluate: Writing Task 2

[synaptium]

Some people believe that giving longer prison sentences is the best way to reduce crime. Others believe that there are better ways to reduce crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.



A number of people believe that giving offenders longer jail terms will deter them and others from trying to commit any crime in the future. Some others belive that this method is inefficient and that there are better ways to curb crime in the society. In this essay, i will disscuss both views and state why longer sentences will not help to reduce crime rates.


Proponents for longer Jail terms believe that when longer sentences are given, it forces the criminal to think about his or her actions and how the crime could have been prevented. It is believed that more jail time means more time for self evaluation. They also believe that when others see the severity of the sentences meted out on criminals it forces members of society to keep the law at all times

An example always cited by proponents of this ideology, is the Madlock vs Ashiaywa Case in South Africa. A married woman murdered her husband and was sentenced to 60 years with hard labour. Some believe that even though she is a mother of 6, her sentence was justified because it would deter couples from killing each other regardless of the circumstance. Despite this view, there are those who believe that longer sentences do not neccesarily help inmates, rather it hardens them.


A lot of people believe that serving criminals longer sentences is counterproductive because when they come out of prision, they are hardened and cannot blend into society.
Most of them pick up vices and habits in prison that make them very dangerous.

According to a survey conducted by the South African Prison Board on the Lives ex-convicts between 1985 to 2005, it was found that 78% of prisoners who served longer jail sentences, commited a similar or worse crime within 2 years of release and ended up in prison for a second sentence.

It is believed by some that prisons should focus instead on rehabilitation and physocology of the criminal. This would help them become better members of society when they are released.

In my opinion longer jail sentences will not help the criminal or the society at large. The punishment for a crime should be as brief as possible. The prison system should focus on helping the criminal develop new skills, become more tolerant and become a better member of society.

In conclusion, I agree that longer jail sentences should be minimized and focus should be put on rehabilitating inmates.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission synaptium!! Please see my rewrite below ...

A number of people believe that giving offenders longer jail terms will deter them and others from trying to commit any crime in the future. Others belive that this method is inefficient and that there are better ways to curb crime in (delete 'the') society. In this essay, i (capitalise) will disscuss (spelling) both views and state why longer sentences will not help to reduce crime rates.


Proponents OF longer jail (small 'j') terms believe that when longer sentences are given, it forces the criminal to think about his or her actions and how the crime could have been prevented. It is believed that more jail time means more time for self evaluation. They also believe that when others see the severity of the sentences meted out on criminals it forces members of society to keep the law at all times

An example always cited by proponents of this ideology, is the Madlock vs Ashiaywa Case in South Africa. A married woman murdered her husband and was sentenced to 60 years with hard labour. Some believe that even though she is a mother of 6, her sentence was justified because it would deter couples from killing each other regardless of the circumstance. Despite this view, there are those who believe that longer sentences do not neccesarily (spelling) help inmates; (use semi-colon here in place of a conjunction) rather it hardens them.


A lot of people believe that serving criminals longer sentences is counterproductive because when they come out of prision, they are hardened and cannot blend into society.
Most of them pick up vices and habits in prison that make them very dangerous.

According to a survey conducted by the South African Prison Board on the Lives ex-convicts between 1985 to 2005, it was found that 78% of prisoners who served longer jail sentences (no comma here) commited (spelling) a similar or worse crime within 2 years of release and ended up in prison for a second sentence.

It is believed by some that prisons should focus instead on rehabilitation and physocology of the criminal. This would help them become better members of society when they are released.

In my opinion longer jail sentences will not help the criminal or (delete 'the') society at large. The punishment for a crime should be as brief as possible. The prison system should focus on helping the criminal develop new skills, become more tolerant and become a better member of society.

In conclusion, I agree that longer jail sentences should be minimized and focus should be put on rehabilitating inmates.



This would be a really good essay if you used better paragraphing, wrote less, and fixed the spelling errors. These are all easy to fix, so better luck next time!

Advice:
1. Firstly this essay is far too long at 409 words. The idea of the test is for you to show that you can get your point across in academic language succinctly.
2. Secondly, your essay has 8 paragraphs. This will definitely lower your CC score. Try to have an intro, 2 bodies, and a conclusion so the reader can follow clearly.
3. Be really careful with the spelling. I suppose you do know the errors but maybe because you were typing those simple errors crept in.

Band-score:
TA: 7.0
G: 8.0
V: 7.0
CC: 5.5

[synaptium]

TA: 7.0
G: 8.0
V: 7.0
CC: 5.5


Please i dont understand what these mean?

[goldcoastielts]

Task Achievement
Grammar
Vocabulary
Cohesion and Coherence

These are the four IELTS marking criteria that examiners use to grade your essay. They will account for 25% each of the total mark.

-Anthony.

[synaptium]

Thanks a lot

[goldcoastielts]

No problem. If you need to know more details about any of them, please let me know..