Please evaluate my writing task 2

[dbuiasl123]

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In several parts of the world, young kids were taught to try hard for any goals they dream of. Although this would be a necessary motivation for children, some argue that this message is also attached to a number of drawbacks.

On the one hand, working hard and being consistent with the goal play a vital role in one’s success. Unless people put effect into their work, they could never have appropriate experience and knowledge to achieve their dreams. Especially, with those who are not talented at or cannot afford to what they choose, they even must try much harder than others. Many millionaires who had to start working hard since they were at their early age because of destitute life is a typical example for it. Therefore, being aware of this will motivate the youth to be patient and work harder for their ambitions.

In contrast, there still are some disadvantages of this idea when some people never have a realistic target. It would be unlikely to achieve an unrealizable dream that is not considered suitable for dreamers at the start because of lack of experience in certain fields. Therefore, some of them are prone to start again when some choose to give up their dreams after a long time working on them. At the end of the day, it even takes them longer to succeed in life if they make decisions inadequately at the beginning.

In conclusion, when trying hard for work is one of the factors for credible achievements in life, people should also consider about their goals as carefully as possible to avoid wasting their time.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission dbuiasl123!! Please see my rewrite below ...

In several parts of the world, young kids ARE taught THAT THEY CAN ACHIEVE ANY GOAL THAT THEY PUT THEIR MINDS TO. Although this CAN be a GOOD motivation for children, some argue that this message (delete 'is') also HAS A NUMBER OF DRAWBACKS ATTACHED.

On the one hand, working hard and being consistent with delete 'the') goalS playS a vital role in one’s success. Unless people put EFFORT into their work, they CAN never ACCUMULATE THE appropriate experience and knowledge to achieve their dreams. Especially, with those who are not talented at or cannot afford to DO what they choose, they (delete 'even') must try much harder than others. Many millionaires who had to start working hard since they were at AN early age AND destitute (delete 'life') ARE typical exampleS OF THIS. Therefore, being aware of this will motivate the youth to be patient and work harder for their ambitions.

In contrast, there are STILL some disadvantages of this idea when some people never have a realistic target. It would be unlikely to achieve an unrealizable dream that is not considered suitable for dreamers at the start because of lack of experience in certain fields. Therefore, some of them are prone to start again AFTER HAVING WORKED ON THEIR COHSEN DREAM FOR A CONSIDERABLE LENGTH OF TIME. At the end of the day, it takes them EVEN longer to succeed in life if they make INADEQUATE decisions at the beginning OF THEIR LIFE.

In conclusion, ALTHOUGH trying hard AT work is one of the factors THAT CONTRIBUTES TO credible achievements in life, people should also consider (delete 'about') their goals as carefully as possible to avoid wasting their time.



This is a god task 2 with a nice structure and pretty sound task achievement. However there are problems with simple grammar.

Advice:
1. Be careful of small grammatical errors. There is at least one in every sentence, and this will pull your grammar score down a lot.
2. A couple of times you put 'even' in the wrong place ( I think before the main verb). This sounded quite bizarre and upsets the readers concentration.
3. X = 'consider about + "N" GOOD = 'consider + "N"
4. You did make quite a few errors with count/non-count nouns. PLEASE CHECK THE YOUTUBE VIDEO AT THE TOP FOR TIPS.

Band-score:
TA: 6.0
G: 5.5
V: 7.0
CC: 6.5

[dbuiasl123]

Thank you so much. Your advice is really helpful.

[goldcoastielts]

Yes no problem. Good luck for the test..