IELTS writting task 2, please help to check.

[chinandy]

In some countries, it is now possible to buy products made in other countries. To what extent do the benefits of this development outweigh the problems?


In a globalised economy, we can now purchase goods imported from other countries. This is beneficial to customers and can push economic development despite some drawbacks. The globalisation of production means that customers can buy better products at lower prices. Domestic monopolies dominated the market, making its products unreasonably expensive. That might even have secret deals with the government to stop customers from accusing them. However, when foreign companies join the competition, they will offer better products at lower prices to attract customers, thereby forcing monopolies to create better products and raising the standard of the whole sector in a country. Also, when goods are manufactured in countries where human resources are cheaper such as Vietnam and Indonesia, they will become more affordable.

Allowing goods to be imported from foreign countries can also promote the economic development of the world. This is because businesses can expand their market and make more profits and global trade can be stimulated.

One of the drawbacks is that the globalisation of production can cause huge losses of jobs. When importing goods made in foreign countries is allowed, entrepreneurs tend to build their factories where human resources are cheap because this can significantly reduce the production cost. However, in doing so, they are in essence reducing jobs in manufacturing in developed countries. Those with little job skills will probably lose their jobs, causing serious social problems. For example, in the US, the loss of jobs in the manufacturing sector contributed hugely to Donald Trump’s presidency, bringing huge damages to the US society as well as the whole world.

In conclusion, allowing goods to be imported from foreign countries is a good idea in terms of customers’ experiences and economic development, although it can have some negative effects on the employment rate in developed countries.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission chinandy!! Please see my rewrite below ...

In a globalised economy, we can now purchase A GREAT MANY goods imported from other countries. This is beneficial to customers and can push economic development despite some drawbacks.

ON THE ONE HAND, the globalisation of production means that customers can buy better products at lower prices. Domestic monopolies dominated the market, making its products unreasonably expensive, AND that might even LEAD TO secret deals with the government to stop customers from accusing them. However, when foreign companies join the competition, they will offer better products at lower prices to attract customers, thereby forcing monopolies to create better products and raising the standard of the whole sector in a country. Also, when goods are manufactured in countries where human resources are cheaper such as Vietnam and Indonesia, they will become more affordable. FINALLY, allowing goods to be imported from foreign countries can also promote the economic development of the world. This is because businesses can expand their marketS and make more profits WHILE AT THE SAME TIME STIMULATING global trade.

ON THE OTHER HAND, one of the drawbacks is that the globalisation of production can cause huge losses of jobs. When importing goods made in foreign countries is allowed, entrepreneurs tend to build their factories where human resources are cheap because this can significantly reduce the production cost. However, in doing so, they are in essence reducing jobs in manufacturing in developed countries. Those with little job skills will probably lose their jobs, causing serious social problems. For example, in the US, the loss of jobs in the manufacturing sector contributed hugely to Donald Trump’s presidency, bringing huge DAMAGE to the US society as well as the whole world.

In conclusion, allowing goods to be imported from foreign countries is a good idea in terms of customers’ experiences and economic development, although it can have some negative effects on the employment rate in developed countries.



This is a very very accurate essay in terms of grammar. However it could very easily be improved by improving the paragraphing.

Advice:
1. Make sure you divide your paragraphs up properly. Your first paragraph looked like a huge body paragraph so I split it at the appropriate place.
2. Add linking phrases at the beginning of your bodies such as "One the one hand, ... "
3. Damage = uncountable

Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 8.0
V: 8.0
CC: 6.5

[chinandy]

Dear Anthony,

Thanks for your correction & comment. I will do my best to improve my writing.

Regards,

Chinandy