pls grade my TASK 2 essay - money

[rairaichan0323]

Money may make people happy. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the modern society, money plays a key role in the society. Some people argue that cash can make individuals joyful. It is disagreed that being affluent people may not feel cheerful. This argument will be proven by looking at how money cannot create happiness to well-off people by confronting with health problems and searching for true love.

First of all, it is an undeniable fact that even wealthy individuals also will be unhappy while they are suffering aliment. Admittedly, they will not have a financial issue of paying the medical fee but they do have same sad feeling as impoverished patients. Thus, no matter the person is rich or not, he or she will feel upset while he or she is being sick.

Secondly and even more importantly, wealth cannot buy true love. For example, Miss Mui was a celebrity and very rich singer in Hong Kong. Before she died, she revealed one of her interview that she was very sad due to she could not find a true lover. This makes it clear that even wealthy men also will not happy as they cannot search out a perfect partner in their life. It is obvious from this that cash is not only measure to make people delight.

Following this look at how body condition and true love can affect people feeling, it is proven that human being will not be pleasure by having money. Also, I believe that it seems highly advisable for all individuals not base on money terms to look for their happiness.

[rairaichan0323]

is any one can help me? thank you

[allen_zhang]

HI
Since I don't have much time, I will just try to comment on the first paragraph of this essay.

Money may make people happy. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the modern society, money plays a key role in the society.
you repeat the "society".
money plays a key role in our modern lives.
money plays a key role in modern societies.


Some people argue that cash can make individuals joyful.
I disagree with your word choice "cash" and "joyful". "cash"--> "money" or "wealth" or even "being rich". joyful-> feel happy


It is disagreed that being affluent people may not feel cheerful.
disagreed by who?
I disagree with your word choice "cheerful"


This argument will be proven by looking at how money cannot create happiness to well-off people by confronting with health problems and searching for true love.
this sentence is awkward to me.
This argument will be proven by looking at how unhelpful money is in finding true love and dealing with health problems.

[rairaichan0323]

thank you! allen
i just wanna to know why you disagree with my word choice " cheerful, joyful" i just try to use another words instead of happy.

thank you!!

[allen_zhang]

Hi rairaichan,
Being synonyms doesn't mean these words are interchangeable in any context.

Looks like you are Chinese too. I will try to explain in Chinese. Do you think:"现金可以带来欢乐" is a proper expression？
Personally, I prefer to use the word which I am sure and avoid replacing word when I am not sure.

BR!
Allen

[rairaichan0323]

thank you allen!!