Academic Writing Task 2

[CindyBang]

Hi there,
Please feel free to comment and fix my writing. Thank you very much.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer.


The equality in gender has significantly increased over last two decades, hence women are being accepted in various roles than ever before. Therefore, some believe the military cooperation ought to allow women to sign up just like men. However, it is arguable whether women’s capability is suitable for army services. It has been proven that mentality pressures and family influences are few of many relevant hindrances could oppose their appropriateness.

Military services require a tremendous number of trainings, in additional to the personnels’ physical strength as well as their mental stability. In the air forces or the army troops, for instance, fortitudes are the foremost conditions that a soldier must acquire during heavy exercises in preparation for any upcoming battle. Therefore, the ability in handling these psychological tensions and substantial ongoing practices are questionable whether a woman able to endure within this discipline. This is thus military positions are not advisable for most women.

Furthermore, deployment is another requirement in joining the military operations, hence veterans may need to leave their family for a long period; sometimes it may take years. As it has been seen in naval or marine system, sailors have been expected to navigate to the sea on naval ships and submarines as their obligation. With the natural femininity, women are less likely willing to leave their family or loved one for such long period, hence family influence may play a significant part in their career path. Therefore, women are seen as unsuitable for naval or marine activity.

Following the analysation of women’s ability in coping with the difficulties within military career as well as their willingness in deploying elsewhere, it is clear that army roles are not designed for most women.

[IndianHarry]

Don't know how IELTS writing is scored but I see a few mistakes I can correct may be. Only correcting the clearly visible ones.

The equality in gender has significantly increased over last two decades, hence women are being increasingly accepted in various roles than ever before (because we use ever before when comparing). Therefore, some believe the military cooperation ought to allow women to sign up just like men. However, it is arguable whether women’s capability is suitable for army services. It has been proven that psychological pressures and family influences are few of many relevant hindrances which could oppose their appropriateness.

Military services require a tremendous amount of training, in addition to the personnels’ physical strength as well as their mental stability. In the air forces or the army troops, for instance, fortitude is the foremost condition that a soldier must acquire during heavy exercises in preparation for any upcoming battle. Therefore, the ability in handling ( 'to handle' sounds better) these psychological tensions and substantial ongoing practices are questionable whether a woman is able to endure within this discipline. Thus military positions are not advisable for most women. (Not the right place to land a conclusion)

Furthermore, deployment is another requirement of the military operations, hence veterans may need to leave their family for a long period; sometimes it may take years. As it has been seen in naval or marine system, sailors have been expected to navigate to the sea on naval ships and submarines as it is considered their obligation. With the natural femininity, women are less likely to be willing to leave their family or loved one for such long periods, hence family influence may play a significant part in their career path. Therefore, women are seen as unsuitable for naval or marine activity.

Considering/Keeping in mind the analysis of women’s ability in coping with the difficulties within military career as well as their willingness in deploying elsewhere, it is clear that army roles are not designed for most women.

[meglio]

Hi.

I'd add a "hope" or "recommendation" at the very end in your conclusion.

I'd also add a linking word to the beginning of your first paragraph after introduction.

[CindyBang]

Thank you for your help, IndianHarry .

Hi.

I'd add a "hope" or "recommendation" at the very end in your conclusion.

I'd also add a linking word to the beginning of your first paragraph after introduction.

I was thinking about "recommendation" in the conclusion, but then i realised the writing was exceeding 250 words, and the question didn't ask for prediction or recommendation, so that's why i leave it. Would it be wise to add recommendation even though the question didn't ask for it?

Thank you once again.

Cindy.

[meglio]

I think so. Take into account that it almost never asks for your recommendation or prediction,
but it's still recommended to express shortly what do you think about the statement in the question
or where, in your own view, it all goes.

[Flick]

Hi Cindy,

I have included IndianHarry's suggested edits in this colour because I think he has made some good suggestions.

Hi there,

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer.


The equality between genders has significantly improved over last two decades, andwomen are being increasingly accepted in more roles than ever before. Therefore, some believe the military ought to allow women to sign up just like men. However, it is arguable whether women are suitable for military service. It has been proven that psychological pressures and family influences are few of many relevant hindrances which could affect their suitability.

Military service requires a tremendous amount of training, in addition to physical strength as well as mental stability. In the Air Force or the Army, for instance, fortitude is the foremost condition that a soldier must acquire during training in preparation for any upcoming battle. Therefore, the ability to handle these psychological tensions and substantial ongoing pressures is challenging enough for men. It is uncertain whether women have adequate strength to deal with them, as well. Thus, military positions are not advisable for most women.

Furthermore, deployment is another requirement of joining the military. Hence soldiers may need to leave their family for a long period; sometimes years. As seen in naval and marine operations, sailorsare expected to navigate the sea on ships and submarines as it is a key part of their role. Women are less likely to be willing to leave their family or loved ones for such long periods, hence family influence may play a significant part in their career path. Therefore, women are seen as unsuitable for naval or marine activity.

Considering the analysis of women’s ability in coping with the difficulties military career is likely to create, as well as their willingness in deploying elsewhere, it is clear that army roles are not designed for most women.

[CindyBang]

Hi Flick,

I have learnt a lot from you

Thank you very much .

Regards,

Cindy.