which band do u rate my essay?

[Nadia-otoom]

I am still trying to write more better
I need your feedback for my below essay which i wrote it in 40 min .. could you please rate my writing?

Many people say that the only way to guarantee a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work.

Many people believe that the person could not secure a good job in the future without university certificate, while others think that the experience which can be gained when the person start work directly after school years is more valuable and better. In the following essay both views will be discussed before rendering my personal view.

We much acknowledge that the graduation from university would open more doors when searching for job once it shows a certain level of intelligence and education. In addition, graduates probably work at better place like schools, without diploma, a person could not work as teacher for example. Furthermore, it may help to earn more money and get better level of living, as graduate workers usually have salaries more than others.

On the other hand, some people do not success on the academic fields or do not like it, they may will be a successful workers at others sections which they do not need a high level of studying such as farming and car mechanics. In this case, the hand-on experience is much valuable than certificates.

In conclusion, opting for work after school or join university is an issue up to person himself and depends on his ambitions and abilities, we could not say that it is one choice better than other for all people.
(220 words)

[Flick]

Many people say that the only way to guarantee a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work.

Many people believe that a personis not able to secure a good job in the future without a university education, while others think that the experience which can be gained when a person starts work directly after finishing high school is more valuable. (<-- You don't need to add 'and better' because it means the same thing as 'more valuable.) In the following essay both views will be discussed before rendering my personal opinion.

We must acknowledge that graduating from university opens more doors when searching for a job because it shows a certain level of intelligence and education. In addition, graduates probably work at better places like schools. Without a diploma, a person cannot work as teacher, for example. Furthermore, it may mean a higher salary and better standard of living, as graduate workers are paid more for doing a more skilled job than others.

On the other hand, some people do not succeed in the academic fields or do not want to continue with higher education, so they may be successful workers in other sectors which do not need a high level of studying such as farming and car mechanics. In this case, the hands-on experience is much more valuable than a certificate.

In conclusion, choosing whether to start work after school or join university is a decision up to the person himself and depends on his ambitions and abilities. I believe we cannot say that one choice is better than the other for all people.
(220 words)

Hi Nadia-otoom,

I am very impressed that you wrote this essay in 40 minutes. I like that you talk about the reasons a person may choose one option or the other. In the introduction, you said you would give your opinion at the end. Don't forget to say what you believe in the conclusion.

Flick

[Nadia-otoom]

Many thanks Flick
Could you please expect the band for this essay?