check ma essay give me band plz

[hanan]

The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries.Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions.

Since over the last decade crime has an ample rise among the teenagers in many of the civilized countries.It is pivotal to have a glimpse on the causes of crime and the solution for reducing that.
There are various reasons of brist increase in the crime rate.There may be a break down in a nuclear family and one parent(mother) is heaving onus of their children.There is no role of the father who is always the ruler of the family.children does not get attention of their father who has more power on the children.Teenagers lead towards astray because of poverty.They dont get the proper food to eat and live a pompous life that’s the reason they indulge themselves in such rubbish acts.Parents plays main role in children lifestyle.They should tackle them early from their childhood.If they had paid proper attention to them , they would never see such things.If they are swarmed by the loved one’s ,they get more and more love they would never go towards astray.
The government should heave an instigate by providing schools,youth for proper education,give stipend to the needy one's and should ban the one who do crime and impose levied on them so ultimately crime would be ceased because poverty compels them to do so,and parents should pay proper attention to their children in order to keep them away from litter environment which may lead them into endanger.
Therefore there are variety of reasons for indulging into crime.If government heave action now than crime will be declined.

[hanan]

it seems to be an egoitic act like no body is replying even though they are reading ! then why to create these groups?

[mhingz]

Hi Hanan,
I am not good in writing so I can't give you a 100% solution to some of what I think is wrong on your work, however I will just put a general comment on what I think/feel that is not right.
Also, I won't be able to give you a band or score... so I hope you won’t mind.
Here are some of my comments:
Overall, you still need to practice because little things like commas, capital letters and space needs to be rechecked. Maybe it’s a typo error but since you are posting into a public forum, try to do your best not to commit simple error or at least review what you write before hitting the "submit" button.
It’s a good practice if you use simple and proper sentence (including the structure) rather than a confusing sentence with complicated vocabulary. Lastly and the most important of all is your essay structure. A paragraph should have at least 3-4 sentences and essay will have 4 paragraph. Try to review Ryan’s essay structure and try to adopt this.
Good luck!

[hanan]

hey i just posted what i wrote thanx for the suggestion i m learning the way to write means whr to put comma and all ,i just wanted to share the idea whether its ok idea is ok or nt ? and listen i heard from many pplz to use good vocab dats y i hav used so

[hanan]

where is the link to see thhe structure

[mhingz]

hey i just posted what i wrote thanx for the suggestion i m learning the way to write means whr to put comma and all ,i just wanted to share the idea whether its ok idea is ok or nt ? and listen i heard from many pplz to use good vocab dats y i hav used so

Hi!
This is a good place to start learning how to write so you have to make sure you practice your writing by composing your sentence properly even if its not in an examination environment. For example, try to avoid using short cut words on your sentence or use simple and easy to understand words. Little things like this will affect your overall composition of your sentence. Once your confident with your sentence, then its time to go on to another level like improving your vocabulary.
As some people say, great things starts with small beginnings.
And try to browse Ryan's youtube page, you will see tons of information about writing.
Heres the link..
http://www.youtube.com/user/EnglishRyan