Task 2: Writing! Check for me

[aprodigy]

Topic: Nowadays, there is an increasing number of people who do not know their neighbors. What causes of this situation. How to solve it?
In today’s world, it is true that a number of people who do not have a relationship with their neighbors are on the increase. Actually, this trend is caused by several reasons and we should have certain appropriate ways to tackle it.
Obviously, there are several factors in terms of lifestyle and multimedia leading to this problem. Living in a fast – paced overstressed world, labourers are too busy with their business and study all the time. As a result, this lifestyle seems to limit leisure time and increase working time outside and inside office. In fact, they are always thinking of these questions such as how much they earn per day or how many customers they have. Furthermore, emerging communication ways through multimedia have replaced gradually face to face conversation. In a little more detail, some people behave more active before computer screen than the real life communication. For example, workers might exchange information and have a gossip via facebook or twitter, which is likely to make them forget saying hello when they meet each other in the real life.
In order to solve this problem, social interactions should be increased. If some people who live next to the door might spend their little time chatting or only smiling, surely they will know more about their neighbors. It is worth to saying that instead of creating a lot of virtual relationships on the social network, taking part in local activities is one of the best ways to communicate with people around us.
In general, neighborhood can be considered as an easiest relationship for it is without competition and just full of friends. Therefore, we should try to improve our neighbor which can return us a reward of interesting life and healthy psychology.
Which band i can get? Thank you.

[CindyBang]

Hello aprodigy,

I don't know what band you will get, but there are a lot of grammatical mistakes in your writing. I don't know whether i make it better but i hope i will be able to help.

I would advise you to read more other model essays, books, journals, and articles; and take notes on the writing patterns rather than rushing in writing. You will not improve even though you write 5 essays per day with the same writing style and grammatical errors. Also, you may need to revise some basic tenses if you are aiming to score higher than band 6.

In today world, it is true that a number of people who do not have a neighbourhood relationship with their neighbours are on the increase (Currently, the number of people who do not have a neighbourhood relationship with their neighbours has increased). Actually, This trend is caused by several reasons and we should have appropriate ways to tackle it.(This trend is certainly caused by several factors and they will be analysed in this essay as well as proposing appropriate solutions to tackle it.)

Obviously, there are several factors in terms of lifestyle and multimedia which lead to this problem. Living in a fast – paced and overstressed world, labourers are too busy with their business and study all the time. (Keep it simple - “People are too busy with their business/work and study nowadays”.) As a result, this lifestyle seems to limit their leisure time and increase their working time outside and inside the office. In fact, they always think of these questions such as how much they earn per day or how many customers they have. (Keep it simple - “In fact, they always worry over their business and its profits.)

(This is new idea so must be written in a new paragraph)Furthermore, communication through multimedia have gradually replaced face to face conversation. In a little more detail (<- this will hold your score back “In explanation”), some people behave more actively before computer screen than the real life communication (In explanation, some people are more sociable in front of the computer than real life communication.) For example, workers might exchange information and gossip via facebook or twitter, which is likely to make them forget saying hello when they meet each other in the real life. (<- Keep it simple - “For example, it is easier for some to have conversations over social network channel than saying hello in person.”)

In order to solve this problem, social interactions should be increased. If some people who live next to the door might spend their little time chatting or only smiling, surely they will know more about their neighbors. (If people intentionally make conversation and interact with their neighbour, they will know more about their neighbourhood.) It is worth to saying that instead of creating a lot of virtual relationships on the social network (Actual conversation and personal interaction are more worthy than virtual relationships on social networks.) Taking part in local activities is one of the best ways to connect with people.

In general, neighbourhood can be considered as an easiest relationship as it has no competition and there are full of friendliness. Therefore, we should try to improve our neighborhood relationship which may lead us to an interesting life and a healthy spirit.

You has pointed out some great causes, but the writing is too personal and you drag it too long.

For the solutions, personally, i think it is hard to change someone behaviour over something, so i would suggest:
- Local government should hold weekly/monthly activities for regional neighbours
- Establish a sport club for local community.

Hope I am being helpful.

Regards,

Cindy.

[aprodigy]

Thank you so much! But can u explain the term "too personal" for me! I still cant understand it

[CindyBang]

Perhaps, I used the term "too personal" was wrong. But somehow when i read your writing, i think you gave a lot of your personal opinions, feelings, or apply your own experience than providing the actual fact.

In fact, they are always thinking of these questions such as how much they earn per day or how many customers they have. Furthermore, emerging communication ways through multimedia have replaced gradually face to face conversation. In a little more detail, some people behave more active before computer screen than the real life communication

If some people who live next to the door might spend their little time chatting or only smiling, surely they will know more about their neighbors. It is worth to saying that instead of creating a lot of virtual relationships on the social network, taking part in local activities is one of the best ways to communicate with people around us.

I don't know how to explain it. That's merely my personal view .

Regards,

Cindy.