pls give me a band score for Task 1 -voluntary work

[rairaichan0323]

You live in an English speaking country and you want to do some voluntary, unpaid work in a developing country. Write a letter to a company called Cultural Expeditions, which organizes such trips. In your letter:
• Explain why you want to do the voluntary work.
• State what your skills and experience are.
• Indicate where you would like to volunteer and for how long

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to seek for a voluntary work at your company.

I am a university student at Edith Crown University. I would like to assist some children who are in a less affluent country and also are in needs of someone helping. I hope that my helping can comfort their feeling and let them know that they are not outcast.

I am currently studying child educational programme. Last year summer, I had been China for teaching local children in English. I gained a great deal of experience in it. Therefore, I firmly believe that I have enough skills for teaching children.

I would be available to commence this work from 1st of July until 31st of August. I would be grateful if it is possible for you to arrange me to work in South Africa. It is because I saw some news that they are requiring some volunteer to educate their kids. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,

Janis Lam

[allen_zhang]

Hi Rairaichan,
I will try to help. Since I am also an Ielts student, I cannot guarantee that all my comments and advice are correct.

I am writing to seek for a voluntary work at your company.

Seems grammatically correct to me. However, I would try it as below:
I am writing with regard to a voluntary work program that your company is organizing.

I am a university student at Edith Crown University.

I am not sure about "at". Maybe "of"?
I am a university student of Edith Crown University.

I would like to assist some children who are in a less affluent country and also are in needs of someone helping.

a. From my point of view, you tried too much on replacing words. like help-> assist. developing country --> a less affluent country.
b. there are grammatical errors like: "in needs of someone helping."
I would try below:
I am always keen on helping those kids in developing countries. Because I believe every child in this world deserves the same access to food, education, care and love.

I hope that my helping can comfort their feeling and let them know that they are not outcast.

a Sounds not natural.
b. helping ->help, feeling ->feelings.

I am currently studying child educational programme.

a. child educational programme --> child education programme.

Last year summer, I had been China for teaching local children in English.

Last year summer --> last summer.
I had been China --> I had been to China.
I would try:
Last summer, I had been to China for 2 months, teaching English for local children

I gained a great deal of experience in it.

a. "in it" --> "from it".
b. "a great deal of" --> "valuable"

Therefore, I firmly believe that I have enough skills for teaching children.

I would be available to commence this work from 1st of July until 31st of August.

a. 1st of July --> "the 1st of July" or "July 1st".

I would be grateful if it is possible for you to arrange me to work in South Africa.
It is because I saw some news that they are requiring some volunteer to educate their kids.

Try below:
As I learned from your advertisement, you are running some volunteer program in South Africa. I am wondering if it would be possible for me join this program as an English teacher.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

[rairaichan0323]

thank you allen

if i write down like this, is it better?

also are in needs of support from someone.