Topic:
In many countries today insufficient respect is shown to older people.
What do you think may be the reasons for this?
What problems might this cause in society?
_______
There are a lot of reasons why in many countries older people today are not genuinely respected especially by younger generation.
One reason is the improper nurturing of parents to their children and their lack of time to teach what they need to learn. Due to highly competitive environment where parents devote most of their time at work or career, they often neglect to instill to their children the values they need to uphold and one of which is respect to older people. For this reason, youngsters are getting busy in activities where less values are being learned like playing computer games, watching television, engaging to social media and the like, which at the end of the day, deprive them to understand the importance of legacies left by aged people and the sacrifices they invested for us to have a better world.
We can see these scenarios particularly in first world and developing countries where youths spend most of their time in using their mobile phones, tablets and laptops that deviate them in giving respect to older people. Teenagers in such countries are engaging in competitions like world championships for online games as they believe is the typical trend of young generation. Nevertheless, little they do realize that insufficient respect shown to older people results to a negative impact because of minds preoccupied with so many things.
In my own personal experience as having the chance to work in a residential care home where elderlies are being looked after to, they develop this kind of depression and lack of self-esteem when they do not get visits from their loved ones or next of kin like others do regularly. They feel that they have been taken for granted by their families for quite some time.
Having said these, I think the influence of television and print media plays a significant role in rectifying this societal problem. If only advertisers will put up or involves educational campaigns in their commercials or we can call infomercials that convey respect to the elderlies, a lot of people would benefit from it that can bring back the fading value of respect to older people. A simple ad campaign of offering a seat to an old woman in a public transportation can make a difference to the society.
Could someone please evaluate my Writing Task 2? Thanks!
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lantis_jovic
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Fri Apr 18, 2014 9:13 pm
Re: Could someone please evaluate my Writing Task 2? Thanks!
There are a lot of reasons why in many countries older people today are not genuinely respected especially by younger generation. insufficient intro, keep at least 3 sentences
One reason is the improper nurturing of parents to their children, and their lack of time to teach what they need to learn. Due to highly competitive environment where parents devote most of their time at work or career, fails to instill their children the values they need to uphold and one of which is respect to older people. i think too long sentence, so lost track while reading, try to keep no more than 20 words per sentenceFor this reason, youngsters are getting busy in activities where less values are being learned like playing computer games, watching television, engaging to social media and the likes, which at the end of the day, deprive them to understand the importance of legacies left by aged people and the sacrifices they invested for us to have a better world.
We can see these scenarios particularly in first world and developing countries where youths spend most of their time in using their mobile phones, tablets and laptops that deviate them in giving respect to older people. Teenagers in such countries are engaging in competitions like world championships for online games as they believe is the typical trend of young generation. Nevertheless, little they do realize that insufficient respect shown to older people results to a negative impact because of minds preoccupied with so many things. unconvincing paragraph, no examples to substantiate your argument
In my own personal experience as having the chance to work in a residential care home where elderlies are being looked after to, they develop this kind of depression and lack of self-esteem when they do not get visits from their loved ones remove 'or next of kin like others do regularly' because it become awkward sentence structure. They feel that they have been taken for granted by their families for quite some time.
Having said these, informal tone, spoken language I think an influence of television and print media plays a significant role in rectifying this societal problem. If only advertisers will put up or involves grammatically wrong sentence, rewordeducational campaigns in their commercials or we can call infomercials that convey respect to the elderlies, a lot of people would benefit from it that can bring back the fading value of respect to older people. A simple ad campaign of offering a seat to an old woman in a public transportation can make a difference to the society.
conclusion ?
I would say unclear essay doesn't stand to central theme, may off topic words, task response is visible but not explained. long sentences , however, impede communication. sometimes reader has to read more than one time to understand the rubric.
looks like band 5.5 to 6. ( I am not an assessor)
keep clear structure for ielts essays.
para 1: intro:
paragraph 2 : reasons why young generation are disregarding old people. (clear topic sentence )
examples and explain
paragraph 2 : solution: clear topic sentence to understand how to solve this problem, ( doesn't matter even it is less than 10 words, but need to tell examiner clearly)
example and explain
para 4 : conclusion : outline both reasons and solutions. give predictions.
follow Ryans video on youtube which would give you how to structure essay.
Good Luck
Durai
One reason is the improper nurturing of parents to their children, and their lack of time to teach what they need to learn. Due to highly competitive environment where parents devote most of their time at work or career, fails to instill their children the values they need to uphold and one of which is respect to older people. i think too long sentence, so lost track while reading, try to keep no more than 20 words per sentenceFor this reason, youngsters are getting busy in activities where less values are being learned like playing computer games, watching television, engaging to social media and the likes, which at the end of the day, deprive them to understand the importance of legacies left by aged people and the sacrifices they invested for us to have a better world.
We can see these scenarios particularly in first world and developing countries where youths spend most of their time in using their mobile phones, tablets and laptops that deviate them in giving respect to older people. Teenagers in such countries are engaging in competitions like world championships for online games as they believe is the typical trend of young generation. Nevertheless, little they do realize that insufficient respect shown to older people results to a negative impact because of minds preoccupied with so many things. unconvincing paragraph, no examples to substantiate your argument
In my own personal experience as having the chance to work in a residential care home where elderlies are being looked after to, they develop this kind of depression and lack of self-esteem when they do not get visits from their loved ones remove 'or next of kin like others do regularly' because it become awkward sentence structure. They feel that they have been taken for granted by their families for quite some time.
Having said these, informal tone, spoken language I think an influence of television and print media plays a significant role in rectifying this societal problem. If only advertisers will put up or involves grammatically wrong sentence, rewordeducational campaigns in their commercials or we can call infomercials that convey respect to the elderlies, a lot of people would benefit from it that can bring back the fading value of respect to older people. A simple ad campaign of offering a seat to an old woman in a public transportation can make a difference to the society.
conclusion ?
I would say unclear essay doesn't stand to central theme, may off topic words, task response is visible but not explained. long sentences , however, impede communication. sometimes reader has to read more than one time to understand the rubric.
looks like band 5.5 to 6. ( I am not an assessor)
keep clear structure for ielts essays.
para 1: intro:
paragraph 2 : reasons why young generation are disregarding old people. (clear topic sentence )
examples and explain
paragraph 2 : solution: clear topic sentence to understand how to solve this problem, ( doesn't matter even it is less than 10 words, but need to tell examiner clearly)
example and explain
para 4 : conclusion : outline both reasons and solutions. give predictions.
follow Ryans video on youtube which would give you how to structure essay.
Good Luck
Durai
JAN 2014 L 8.5 R 8 W 6.5 S 6.5
FEB 2014 L 8 R 8 W 7 S 6.5
APR 2014 L 8 R 9 W 6.5 S 7
JUN 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6
July 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6.5
OCT 2014 L 7.5 R 7 W 7 S 7
FEB 2014 L 8 R 8 W 7 S 6.5
APR 2014 L 8 R 9 W 6.5 S 7
JUN 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6
July 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6.5
OCT 2014 L 7.5 R 7 W 7 S 7
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lantis_jovic
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Fri Apr 18, 2014 9:13 pm
Re: Could someone please evaluate my Writing Task 2? Thanks!
Thank you so much for your evaluation. I would keep in mind all of your suggestions and will try to assimilate your corrections.
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