IELTS test in the UAE and India - August 2013

[bunni015]

Task 1 General training
A friend of yours is planning a business trip to the city you know very well. He/she wants to spend one day to see the city. Please say
- What are the must-see places to visit?
- Suggest a few places to eat in.
- What transport is available and convenient to use there?

Need some suggestions for improvement.


Hi Ankur,

How are you? I could not reply to your mail immediately, sorry about that.As you mentioned in the mail, that your are on a business trip to Hyderabad for a weekdays.I would suggest you should take more than 1 day to explore and experience the delighted attractions within the city.

There are many spots to hang and get yourself socialized. The main attractions of the city, here I insist you have to check are, first, visit the Golconda fort.Following, move to Charminar. In case, if you would like to buy some thing to mum then near by you can check Chudi bazar(Bangles Market).Apart from bangles, you can find lot more interesting stuff, here. Visiting these places almost consumes half of the day and you will end up for looking some good hotel for having lunch. I suggest you to go for hotel Taj Krishna. Here you can find all variety of cuisines as per your choice. Next, I suggest you should go for Prasad’s IMAX, where you can find a high quality 3D movie experience. Just beside to this you can find Tank Bund lake where you can find, the statue of the Lord Buddha stood in the middle of lake, If you want to get delighted, I suggest that you have watch this lake in the evening. Finally, to complete your dinner, I would sugest you to check in to Eat Street, nearby the lake. Here you can find the real Hyderabad’s local dishes like the famous Dum Biryani.

You can find all means of transport in Hyderabad,like, the Auto Rickshaw, the local buses and rent a cab facility is also available. I would recommend you to hire a cab, this can help you in many ways and save time.You don’t have to worry about route and traffic congestion because the local cab drivers are well aware of the traffic situations. Accordingly, they take alternative roads,just to make you feel comfortable, which usually as a visitor you won’t be aware of it.

Hope you will have a wonderful experience of the city and a successful business conversation.

Yours lovingly,
xyz

[Ryan]

Task 1 General training
A friend of yours is planning a business trip to the city you know very well. He/she wants to spend one day to see the city. Please say
- What are the must-see places to visit?
- Suggest a few places to eat in.
- What transport is available and convenient to use there?

Need some suggestions for improvement.


Hi Ankur,

How are you? I could not reply to your mail immediately, sorry about that.As you mentioned in the mail, that your are on a business trip to Hyderabad for a weekdays.I would suggest you should take more than 1 day to explore and experience the delighted attractions within the city.

There are many spots to hang and get yourself socialized. The main attractions of the city, here I insist you have to check are, first, visit the Golconda fort.Following, move to Charminar. In case, if you would like to buy some thing to mum then near by you can check Chudi bazar(Bangles Market).Apart from bangles, you can find lot more interesting stuff, here. Visiting these places almost consumes half of the day and you will end up for looking some good hotel for having lunch. I suggest you to go for hotel Taj Krishna. Here you can find all variety of cuisines as per your choice. Next, I suggest you should go for Prasad’s IMAX, where you can find a high quality 3D movie experience. Just beside to this you can find Tank Bund lake where you can find, the statue of the Lord Buddha stood in the middle of lake, If you want to get delighted, I suggest that you have watch this lake in the evening. Finally, to complete your dinner, I would sugest you to check in to Eat Street, nearby the lake. Here you can find the real Hyderabad’s local dishes like the famous Dum Biryani.

You can find all means of transport in Hyderabad,like, the Auto Rickshaw, the local buses and rent a cab facility is also available. I would recommend you to hire a cab, this can help you in many ways and save time.You don’t have to worry about route and traffic congestion because the local cab drivers are well aware of the traffic situations. Accordingly, they take alternative roads,just to make you feel comfortable, which usually as a visitor you won’t be aware of it.

Hope you will have a wonderful experience of the city and a successful business conversation.

Yours lovingly,
xyz

Hi Bunni,

I loathe sentences like this: "I could not reply to your mail immediately, sorry about that." These sorts of sentences can easily be converted into something that reads with academic voice. When examiners see such rudimentary tone, they instantly start positioning you below band 6. No band 6+ student writes this way. Try something like: I hope you will excuse the delay of this reply.

Another thing I would like you to fix is your faulty punctuation. Punctuation errors will instantly sway your examiner's opinion of you. Why do you put a comma before "that"? Why are there commas before "here" and after "are"? Why are there three unnecessary commas in this sentence:

"The main attractions of the city, here I insist you have to check are, first, visit the Golconda fort."

Grammar appears to be your main challenge. I feel you are too ambitious in your writing. You need to stop trying to write long, complex sentences. Your grammar level will not permit them. Shorten everything to small, concise thoughts until your grammatical abilities improve.

Your lexical resources also need major improvement. The sentence "Following, move to Charminar." should be "Following this, you should travel to Charminar."

Instead of giving you more examples, I am going to try to rewrite a grammatically accurate version of your letter as you've written it above:

Hi Ankur,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits. Please excuse the delay of this reply. I am thrilled to hear you are on a business trip to Hyderabad this coming week. I would like to suggest a few of the attractions my great city has to offer you.

Firstly, I highly recommend you visit the Golconda Fort. This area is usually bustling with other tourists, so I imagine you will be able to meet other travel partners. From the fort, you can easily travel to Charminar via the city bus. The Bangles Market you will find here is really tourist friendly, and I imagine you will be able to find some wonderful souvenirs to bring back to your family. Although there are several wonderful hotels to have lunch at, I suggest you try the Taj Krishna. This hotel has a lovely variety of cuisines you can choose from. If you are anything like me, you may want to relax after lunch with a movie. I suggest trying Prasad's IMAX, where you will find several high quality 3D movies. Conveniently next to the theatre is the Tank Bund Lake. A statue of Lord Buddha stands in the middle of this lake, and it is quite a spectacle in the evening. For dinner, find your way to the Eat Street. It isn't far from the lake and boasts several of Hyderabad's local specialities, including Dum Biryani.

There are all sorts of ways to get around Hyderbad, but I would recommend you hire a taxi. Doing so will help save you time, as your taxi driver will know exactly how to get to whatever location you request.

Those would be my top tips. I really hope you enjoy your time here and that your business engagements are successful.

After rewording what you've written, I realize that this response is almost 300 words! I hope you are not planning to write so much in the exam.

Good luck,
Ryan

[bunni015]

Hi Ryan,

Thanks for validating the letter. I'll try to follow your suggestions. I am still, in the process of grasping the content that you have uploaded in your YouTube channel.

However, The tidings is that, I had already appeared for the IELTS exam on September 21st, 2013 in India. I am eagerly waiting for the results annoucement. I restricted myself to follow your approach. I got a chance to write about discussion essay about environmental problem. And the question keywords were "Discuss both the views." So I decided to write a "discussion essay."

The bad part in the whole writing task was, I could not find enough time for proofreading of my writing task 2. Although learning is a everlasting process, so I would like to still keep myself engaged with the community.

I hope I would be able to make the required band to fulfill my visa prerequisites.

Regards
Bunnni

[Ryan]

Hi Ryan,

Thanks for validating the letter. I'll try to follow your suggestions. I am still, in the process of grasping the content that you have uploaded in your YouTube channel.

However, The tidings is that, I had already appeared for the IELTS exam on September 21st, 2013 in India. I am eagerly waiting for the results annoucement. I restricted myself to follow your approach. I got a chance to write about discussion essay about environmental problem. And the question keywords were "Discuss both the views." So I decided to write a "discussion essay."

The bad part in the whole writing task was, I could not find enough time for proofreading of my writing task 2. Although learning is a everlasting process, so I would like to still keep myself engaged with the community.

I hope I would be able to make the required band to fulfill my visa prerequisites.

Regards
Bunnni

Hi Bunni,

It sounds as though your assessment of the essay question is accurate. Let's hope for the best. Thank you for sharing info on your exam.