Please correct my essays next week is my ielts exam :(

[miko2929]

Many governments feel it is important to have access to citizens phone and internet records to safeguard national security. What are advantages and disadvantages of this action?

Recently many authorities decided to gain citizens access to mobile phones and internet usages. They believe this action will secure their nations' safety. There are both positive and negative impacts for this decision which will be discussed below.

Looking at the positive site, governments can keep a record of their people's phone and internet routines, and check the presence of any intruders in their countries. The main worry of the authorities is that the intruder will leak information about military plans and systems to his nation who plans to concur their country. Thus, having access to people's phone and internet records allows government to apprehend these invaders and ensures national safety.

However this decision carries some drawbacks. Firstly, people's personal lives all exposed to the government and it is said that such action invades people's privacy. The data provided may be misuse or stolen by unauthorized person such as insurance or credit companies for their own profit. This leak of personal information poses adverse threat to citizen's rights.

Furthermore, dwellers lives are also affected profoundly. They feel uncomfortable and restricted while using the Internet or making a phone call or text messages because they know the government is watching what they do. This greatly affects a person's freedom in doing personal activities. Thus authorities gaining such access are harming personal rights.

In conclusion, it is felt that a government having the access to phone records and the Internet usages of the citizens carries more downsides than advantages. It is hoped the authorities will find an alternative method to safeguard their country and meanwhile protect their citizens' personal rights.

(267 words)

urgently need some help you all!!
I need band 7 for writing.. Please help to correct my essays. I've wrote it today within 40 minutes.
Big thankyou to whoever that marks my essay..

[delvydavis]

Many governments feel it is important to have access to citizens phone and internet records to safeguard national security. What are advantages and disadvantages of this action?

Recently many authorities decided to gain citizens access to mobile phones and internet usages. (Awkwardly worded sentence, rewrite it) They believe this action will secure their nations' safety (safety of their nation). There are both positive and negative impacts for [OF] this decision which will be discussed below.

Looking at the positive site, governments can keep a record of their people's phone and internet routines, and check the presence of any intruders in their countries. The main worry of the authorities is that the intruder will leak information about military plans and systems to his nation who plans to concur their country. Thus, having access to people's phone and internet records allows government to apprehend these invaders and ensures national safety.

However this decision carries some drawbacks. Firstly, people's personal lives all exposed to the government and it is said that such action invades people's privacy. The data provided may be misuse [d] or stolen by unauthorized person such as insurance or credit companies for their own profit. This leak [lack]of personal information poses adverse threat to citizen's rights.

Furthermore, dwellers lives are also affected profoundly. They feel uncomfortable and restricted while using the Internet or making a phone call or text messages because they know the government is watching what they do. This greatly affects a person's freedom in doing personal activities. Thus authorities gaining such access are harming personal rights.

In conclusion, it is felt that a government having the access to phone records and the Internet usages of the citizens carries more downsides than advantages. It is hoped the authorities will find an alternative method to safeguard their country and meanwhile protect their citizens' personal rights.

(267 words)

urgently need some help you all!!
I need band 7 for writing.. Please help to correct my essays. I've wrote it today within 40 minutes.
Big thankyou to whoever that marks my essay..