Please rate my GT task 2

[npr.ielts7]

Hello Friends,
Please rate my essay.

Nowadays many employers are hiring an equal number of men and women for work. Do you see this as a positive or a negative development? Give some examples to support your opinion.

In twenty first century, equal employment opportunity is the motto of most companies. This trend can be seen globally in companies hiring female workforce at par with male population. It is believed that this is a positive trend. This statement will be proved by analysis both how they handle complex situations and create a positive atmosphere in office.

For one, it is widely accepted that women have excellent negotiation skills. For example, Chanda Kotchar, CEO of ICICI Bank, has signed many deals convincing clients to invest in the bank, which were initially thought as lost opportunities. This makes it clear that women have a capacity to handle tough situations and perform equal as men. Therefore, hiring women is seen as a positive development for companies.

In addition to above, it is generally believed that a woman helps in creating a positive atmosphere in teams. For Instance, men tend to behave professionally when they have a woman employee in their team. Thus, this creates an environment for everyone to concentrate on their work and contribute to the growth of the organisation. It is obvious for this that companies benefit from having an equal share woman as their workforce.

Following the analysis of both the abilities of a woman to take control in tough situations and create a positive effect on the team members. It can be concluded that having equal percentage share of both genders as workforce is a positive development. Thus, it is predicted that more and more businesses will follow this trend in future.


Thank you,
npr.ielts7

[delvydavis]

Hi

I feel something is missing from this essay. Probably "a past" in the introduction? Such as men used to work and women take care of the home... something like this? I am not sure. Because, in this essay you wrote about appointing women for jobs, but why?
Secondly, " it is believed... "Instead of a general opinion give your own, which is asked in the task.
Another point noted: the example given seems irrelevant. Is that job so tough to handle? Also your connection sentence to the main point of the paragraph (negotiation) is missing. Probably you should mention some example where men failed and women succeeded in negotiating, right?

On the second point, the example you wrote is not an example. It can be considered as an explanation of the main point. Therefore, it needs an example



The grammar seems ok. Structure is good.

BR
Delvy