Please evaluate my essay

[dream2oz]

Nowadays mobile phones can be found everywhere in this world. Is it a positive or a negative development?


The mobile phone is the most popular gadget in today’s world. It has revolutionized the way people communicate with each other. It is indeed a positive development for the users and the society. This will be proven by analyzing how cell phones are beneficial for effective communication and gaining education.

For one, Mobile phone has been proved as a blessing for the people all over the world. One can communicate with their family or friends across the globe and feel them as they are closer to them. For instance, a person sitting in United States can not only talk to their parents but also see his parents through video calling, which do not let one’s feel homesick. This makes it clear that Interaction with the world has become easier than ever.

In addition to this, smart phones have been highly effective in spreading knowledge globally. These phones provide huge number of quality applications which are quite useful to gain knowledge. Take German language application as an example, one can learn German by just installing the desired application, and follow the steps given in the manual. Moreover, these applications are available free of cost most of the times. Thus it is clear that mobile phones are assisting the world in knowledge transfer.

To conclude, one cannot deny the fact that mobile phones have been proved as a gift to the society, and the benefits of mobile phones outweigh its drawbacks. After seeing its technological advancements, mobile phones will continue making people lives easier with new features.

[dream2oz]

One more...

Some say that it is more important for employers to consider academic qualifications rather than personal life experience and values when hiring an employee. Do you agree or disagree? What are positive and negative aspects of the issue?

There is no doubt in saying that education and other qualifications make the person civilized. Proper education shows people the ideal path to live in a right manner rather than dragging the life. It is difficult to conclude whether employers should consider qualifications or personal experiences and values while hiring an employee, as both has its positives and negatives. These benefits and drawbacks will be analyzed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

On the one side, it is believed that qualifications can be bought but values cannot. It is widely known that some developing countries have a lot of corruption and even schools or colleges are not apart from this. For instance, small universities or institutions sells graduate or masters degree certificates to earn short cut money. Furthermore, books can teach the person to do math, history or geography but they do not teach the pupils how to tackle difficult situations in working environment. For example, managers need special skills if they have to convince their juniors for overtime but his situation never arises in education institutions. Therefore, schools cannot teach everything.

On the other hand, qualifications are the standards that companies set while hiring new employees but personal experiences or values cannot be static. For example, companies can ask for specific degree or certification as a job requirement but real life experiences cannot be treated as standards. Moreover, one cannot describe his/her own life in a short time of interview but proof of qualifications can be shown in a form of certificates. Also, employer cannot evaluate a person on the values he/she has but marks obtained in studies, can give an idea of the person intelligence to employer.

In conclusion, following the analysis of both the point of views, it is agreed that qualifications are better to consider while hiring new employees. Assessing person on qualifications is easier than judging anyone on the personal life experiences, which cannot be seen at the time of interview. It is predicted that employers will continue recruit candidates on the qualifications they have.

[dream2oz]

Thanks for your comments. I'll work on putting more uncommon words.

[Ryan]

My comments are in blue:

One more...

Some say that it is more important for employers to consider academic qualifications rather than personal life experience and values when hiring an employee. Do you agree or disagree? What are positive and negative aspects of the issue?

There is no doubt in saying that education and other qualifications make the person civilized. Proper education shows people the ideal path to live in a right manner rather than dragging the life. (<--Very awkward. I'm not exactly sure why you are tying the subject of morality into your introduction. Also, I have no idea what "dragging the life" means.) It is difficult to conclude (<--Write with confidence. "It is difficult to conclude" is not presenting your best face.) whether employers should consider qualifications or personal experiences and values while hiring an employee, as both has its positives and negatives. These benefits and drawbacks will be analyzed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn. (<--OK.)

On the one side, it is believed that qualifications can be bought but values cannot. It is widely known that some developing countries have a lot of corruption and even schools or colleges are not apart from (<--Try: immune to) this. (<--Why are there two topic sentences?) For instance, small universities or institutions sells graduate or masters degree certificates to earn short cut money. Furthermore, books can teach the person to do math, history or geography but they do not teach the pupils how to tackle difficult situations in working environment. (<--You start this paragraph talking about corruption. Now you are talking about specialized workplace training?) For example, managers need special skills if they have to convince their juniors for overtime but his (<--How does the plural "managers" match the singular "his"?) situation never arises in education institutions. Therefore, schools cannot teach everything. (<--This is a very loose connection to the essay question. You should be tying this discussion to whether employers should look at qualifications or experience.)

On the other hand, qualifications are the standards that companies set while hiring new employees but personal experiences or values cannot be static. (<--"...but personal experiences or values cannot be static"?) For example, companies can ask for specific degree or certification as a job requirement but real life experiences cannot be treated as standards. (<--Try: ...but there is no such standardized system for weighted the value of real life experience.) Moreover, one cannot describe his/her (<--Never use slashes like this in your essay. This should be "their".) own life in a short time of interview but proof of qualifications can be shown in a form of certificates. Also, employer (<--I'm seeing issues with articles. Sometimes you choose the wrong article. Sometimes the article is missing altogether.) cannot evaluate a person on the values he/she (<--!) has but marks obtained in studies, can give an idea of the person intelligence to employer. (<--This conclusion is much more in keeping with your essay question than the first supporting paragraph's concluding sentence.)

In conclusion, following the analysis of both the point of views, (<--Try: ...both points of view) it is agreed that qualifications are better to consider while hiring new employees. Assessing person (<--Where is the article?) on qualifications is easier than judging anyone on the personal life experiences, which cannot be seen at the time of interview. It is predicted that employers will continue recruit candidates on the qualifications they have.

Hi dream2oz,

I think the overall structure of the essay is OK. However, there are several areas in need of improvement. For one, your wording is very awkward in places, and this causes the reader to have difficulty keeping up with what you are saying. Further, as I point out in the text, you should try to present a more assured tone in your essay. Your supporting paragraphs should each conclude something that clearly links to the essay question.

I would gauge this essay about a band 6. A response more clearly in line with the essay question would trigger an instant jump in band.

Good luck,
Ryan

[dream2oz]

Thank you Ryan for your valuable feedback.

I have been following your videos for quite long time.

Just one quick question that I wrote a discussion essay for this so do you think it is good to go? Or you think that Argument style essay would be a better option?

[Ryan]

I think your approach works fine. Personally, I probably would have stated my position on the topic clearly at the beginning and then proceeded to look at the advantages and disadvantages. The main concern is ensuring your examiner sees a direct relationship between your essay question and your essay. This is why I love the "do you agree or disagree" type questions, as establishing this relationship is very straightforward.

[dream2oz]

Yes. I agree with you.
Agree or disagree type questions are easier and straight forward. Also, your way to write essays for those questions is quite simpler.

Thanks for your feedback again!