Banchmarking requested on my essay

[saqibali]

Please benchmark my essay with a band 9 so I could improve.

Many children today find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention at school.
What could you think are the main causes?
What are the possible solutions?


These days, focus of children on their studies is decreasing gradually. The underlying reasons have been much controversial among think tankers. From my point of view, lack of motivation for career as well as unnecessary advancement in smart phones are the main causes for this behavior. Below I am going to highlight on my opinion.

Career motivation is the main driving factor behind our focus.There is a well accepted fact that more one cares about a particular result, the more he will be attentive to its associated work.So if a student has a dream for an aspiring career and this dream is much associated with a particular study, the student focus will automatically reach an ideal level.A report issued by The New York Times in 1999 presented a factual data which shows that students were extremely focused in class rooms when they were studying their favorite topics. Logically, if a student does not know what he is supposed to do after studying the subject that he is bombarded with, his mind will automatically switch off during that study. The possible solution lies in motivating students for their career aspirations as well as periodically refreshing their minds regarding those motivation. This will help keep their motivation level at highest peak. Thus the effect of career related motivation on focus of a student can be seen and its best possible solution can be envisioned.

Unnecessary advancement in smart phones has diverted attention of students towards unnecessary games habits and communication. There is a well accepted fact that our focus is like an electric bulb.If you divert its lights into many paths, its illumination will fail to strike at main point with full power. So if a student avoids playing games as well as sending messages to his social network, he will be in much stronger position to focus on his studies. A report published by the Washington Post in 1998, proved that the countries will low number of mobiles have excellent performing students. Logically, if a student restrict his focus on one stream only, his mind will automatically comprehend his desired subjects at peak of his performance. In light of the above report of Washington Post, the best possible solution would be to ban smart phones usage of student in educational institutions premises. A next solution is to raise awareness in students regarding negative effects of smart phone. Thus the effects of unnecessary advancement in communication devices on focus of students can be seen and its possible solution can be envisioned.

[robin20y]

Use sufficient paragrapghing for essays.
Introduction 4 sentences
body para 1 4 sentences
Body para 2 4 sentences
Coclusion 3 sentences

[durai]

Hi,

Too..too big ...around 420 words without conclusion...

and without it, your lose coherence and response to the task won't be fulfilled...

waht rob told is correct, try to do around 15 sentences, and you will get 270 words roughly, and that's the ideal size of an IELTS essay.

[masimshehzad]

Thanks for this.
Please pin point my errors and mark a band.
Thanks again

[saqibali]

Anyone who can
Spot the grammer mistakes?
Challenge my task achievement?
Challenge my Understanding?
Suggest better variety of words and phrases?
Suggest better cohesion?
Suggest better sentences and words?

[saqibali]

Please benchmark http://www.ielts-blog.com/my essay with a band 9 so I could improve.

Many children today find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention at school.
What could you think are the main causes?
What are the possible solutions?

Since this essay subject has used the word "present" so I should have described some causes emerged in present days.

These days, focus of children on their studies is decreasing gradually. The underlying[underlying is not appropriate word.basic] reasons have been much controversial among think tankers. From my point of view, lack of motivation for career as well as unnecessary advancement in[enhanced usage of ] smart phones are the main causes for this behavior. Below I am going to highlight on my opinion.

Career motivation is the main[core] driving factor behind our focus.There is a well accepted fact that more one cares about a particular result, the more he will be attentive to its associated work.[awkward sentence]So if a student has a dream for an aspiring career and this dream is much associated with a particular study, the student focus will automatically reach an ideal level[So if a student is aspirant of politics, he will automatically study politics with full focus].A report issued by The New York Times in 1999 presented a factual data which shows that students were extremely focused in class rooms when they were studying their favorite topics. Logically, if a student does not know what he is supposed to do after studying the subject that he is bombarded with, his mind will automatically switch off during that study. The possible solution lies in motivating students for their career aspirations as well as periodically refreshing their minds regarding[with] those motivation. This will help keep their motivation level at highest peak. Thus the effect of career related motivation on focus of a student can be seen and periodical memorization of those aspirations its best possible solution can be is envisioned as best solution.

Unnecessary advancement in smart phones has diverted attention of students towards unnecessary [time consuming]games habits and communication. There is a well accepted fact that our focus is like an electric bulb.If you divert its lights into many paths, its illumination will fail to strike at main point with full power. So if a student avoids playing games as well as sending messages to his social network, he will be in much stronger position to focus on his studies. A report published by the Washington Post in 1998, proved that the countries will low number of mobiles have excellent performing students. Logically, if a student restrict his focus on one stream only, his mind will automatically comprehend his desired subjects at peak of his performance. In light of the above report of Washington Post, the best possible solution would be to ban smart phones usage of student in educational institutions premises. A next solution is to raise awareness in students regarding negative effects of smart phone. Thus the effects of unnecessary advancement in communication devices on focus of students can be seen and its possible solution can be envisioned.