Can i get 6 points for my essay...

[saravanan ps]

Question : Schools do not do anything to teach children to how to take care of their health. Do you agree or disagree ?


Answer :
School education play’s vital role in shaping a person behaviour and health. Moreover Education means not only improving mental ability; it also should educate about the physical health and also it should impart the nutrition importance to the children’s. However I believe our current education system is not focused on these things. I will support my statement in the following paragraphs.

Physical education is not been considered in most of the schools. Especially public schools were not focusing on this. For an example in my school there was only one physical trainer for 600 students. Who was not even came to the ground for giving practice. Besides most of the public schools were not having physical trainer itself. Even though there are certain exceptions, most of the schools were not giving importance for this. I feel it’s the duty of our education system to teach the importance of being physically healthy. However, it’s not so in current situation.

Nutrition is the other area, were our education system should focus. Because of less awareness children’s were attracted toward junk foods. In turn it results in illness and loss of health for the children’s. For an example in our country diarrhoea is a common disease among the children’s. By this it’s evident that our education system is not showing importance to the health of the children’s.
To conclude our current education system is making good lawyer, engineers and doctors. However, it’s fail to create healthy human. Physical education and nutrition training has to made compulsory in our system to improve the life of an individual.

[saravanan ps]

please review my essay. I am keen on knowing how much i got improved.

[robin20y]

Hi saravanan
I think you should pay more attention to your writing.
first of all, the question seems a bit odd to me.
Your essay goes in a speaking manner. You should change it to the writing style. Here you are not talking to somebody. Ok, so chose the language style appropriately.
Spelling errors are there,and ofcourse, lots of grammatical errors.
Task response is completely failed as you discussed the problems.
In my opinion, this essay wont get more than 5.

[saravanan ps]

Hi robin,
Thanks for your comments. I have updated my essay as per your remarks. Kindly review ..


According to me School education play’s vital role in shaping a person behaviour and health. I do agree the fact that our education system is not teaching children to take care of their health; In my country education system is focused on mental health and there is little care given for physical health. I will support my statement in my below paragraphs.

One of the main problem my country is facing today is heart attack. If physical education were taught in the school, people will become more aware of their health, which in turn reduce this risk. However because of lack of knowledge, it’s became one of the deadly disease. People were prone to heart attack also because of their heating habits that means they were eating more junk foods, which has very less nutrition value. In fact there eating habits could have also improved, if they were educated in school.
Another problem our country facing is Obesity. For an example our country ranks 8th place in obesity in the world. Because of unhealthy food habits and lack of exercise obesity among young people were increased. If there was proper awareness about health these problems could have been not exist. However nowadays rich peoples started to focus on their health, the ratio of awareness is very less.
To conclude our current education system is making good lawyer, engineers and doctors. However, it’s fail to create healthy human. According to me our education system should evolve to cope up the challenges we are facing today.