GT Letter Writing - Your comments please

[Somnil]

An item you purchased online arrived defective.
Write a letter to the company you purchased the item from. In your letter
state the details of the order
describe what the problem is
explain what you want the company to do

Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write any addresses.
Begin your letter as follows:
Dear ____________________,

Dear Sir,
I am writing this letter with reference to order number 1234XYZ dated 15 Jun 2014, where I had placed an ordered for a 200 ml bottle of CK One perfume. Unfortunately my product was delivered to me in damage condition.

I received the courier on 20 Jun 2014. The package was delivered in good condition with no sign of damage or tampering from outside. However, when I opened the box, I was surprised to see the bottle was half empty. Close inspection of the bottle revealed a hair line crack on the body, through which, I presume the perfume leaked to half. I have ordered this product several times from your online store, but never faced this problem.

I would like you to give me a replacement with in a week. The damaged bottle is carefully preserved with me, in case you require it back. If you have exhausted your stock, then kindly give me a refund as per your refund policy. My bank account details and delivery address are appended below.

Thanking you,

Yours sincerely,

Somnil

(169 words)

[argho1985]

An item you purchased online arrived defective.
Write a letter to the company you purchased the item from. In your letter
state the details of the order
describe what the problem is
explain what you want the company to do

Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write any addresses.
Begin your letter as follows:
Dear ____________________,

Dear Sir,
I am writing this letter with reference to order number 1234XYZ dated 15 Jun 2014, where I had placed an ordered for a 200 ml bottle of CK One perfume. Unfortunately my product was delivered to me in damage condition.

Corrected one: I am writing this letter with reference to the online order number 123XYZ dated 15th June 2014 for a 200 ml bottle of CK one perfume. Unfortunately, the product was delivered to my residence in a damaged condition.

I received the courier on 20 Jun 2014. The package was delivered in good condition with no sign of damage or tampering from outside. However, when I opened the box, I was surprised to see the bottle was half empty. Close inspection of the bottle revealed a hair line crack on the body, through which, I presume the perfume leaked to half. I have ordered this product several times from your online store, but never faced this problem.

Corrected one: To begin with, the packet was received on the 20th June 2014 in a good condition with no signs of damage or tampering outside. However, after opening the box, it revealed that, the bottle inside contained some crack which lead to the leakage of liquid substance. It is a bit weird that, I have ordered this product a multiple times before but never faced this kind of a problem.

I would like you to give me a replacement with in a week. The damaged bottle is carefully preserved with me, in case you require it back. If you have exhausted your stock, then kindly give me a refund as per your refund policy. My bank account details and delivery address are appended below.

Corrected one: Moreover, I would like your organisation to provide me with a replacement within the next week. During the process, if company requires the old leaked product, it can be provided by me. Additionally, if the product is out of stock, then its a request to kind pay me back the refund according to your refund policy. My bank account details and delivery address is detailed below.

Thanking you,

Yours sincerely,

Somnil

(169 words)

Hi Somil,

I looked at your letter, you used the word "I" a lot..there were less use of linkers.. I have tried to reword each of your paragraphs. Kindly have a look on it..

again some point the grammer was not understandable.

On the whole it looks goods.

Thanks
Argho

[Somnil]

Thanks Argho! How do you think it will fetch?
Is it possible for you to review my other essays too?

[manojwilson]

The tone's not correct. This would get a 6 - 6.5 .

[argho1985]

Thanks Argho! How do you think it will fetch?
Is it possible for you to review my other essays too?

Hi Somnil,

I cant predict on the band what this letter will fetch.. Don't worry about that. Just follow the structure with correct grammer and linking words and you will be fine.

I am also struggling in writing part.

Thanks
Argho