Writing Task 2, pleazzeeee...

[zippazippo]

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


With the prevalence of technology people are becoming excessively reliant on everything being done without any physical activity, to the point that public health has decreased over the past few decades. As a remedy, increasing the number of sport facilities has been suggested by some people, while others concur that extra steps should be taken.
One of the benefits of the rising number of sport centers is that it could divert public attention towards sports and healthy activities. With more facilities such as these, people will be encouraged to become their members, rather than frequenting pubs and venues where others may indulge in alcohol consumption and drug abuse. For instance, in underprivileged regions, where higher crime rates, such centers could even function as communities where young people could attend and avoid taking drugs or smuggling them. Furthermore, with the growing population all around the world, fewer gyms would not suffice.
On the other hand, while it is beneficial to construct more sport centers, they could be of no use without any consciousness raising. People must receive education about the pros and cons of leading sedentary lives. For example, parents ought to be obliged to encourage their children to do exercises on a regular basis. In addition, more attention should be paid to nutrition and the dangers of consuming genetically-modified foods. Also, public awareness should increase about the devastating effects of substance abuse and alcoholism.

In my opinion, by merely building sport centers and swimming pools public health will not improve, unless it is accompanied by efforts to raise the knowledge and understanding of people regarding the advantages of physical exercises.




Hello,
What do u think me score will be?

[Flick]

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


With the prevalence of technolog,y people are becoming excessively reliant on everything being done without any physical activity, to the point that public health has declined over the past few decades. As a remedy, increasing the number of sport facilities has been suggested by some people, while others feel (<-- 'concur' means 'to agree'. 'While others' suggests an opposing view.) that extra steps should be taken.

One of the benefits of the rising number of sport centers is that it could divert public attention towards sports and healthy activities. With more of these facilities, people will be encouraged to become members, rather than frequenting pubs and venues where others may indulge in alcohol consumption and drug abuse. For instance, in underprivileged regions with higher crime rates, such centers could even function as communities where young people could attend and avoid taking drugs or smuggling them. Furthermore, with the growing population all around the world, fewer gyms would not suffice.(<-- Fewer gyms would not suffice for what?)

On the other hand, while it is beneficial to construct more sport centers, they could be of no use without any consciousness raising. People must receive education about the pros and cons of leading sedentary lives. For example, parents ought to be obliged to encourage their children to exercise on a regular basis. In addition, more attention should be paid to nutrition and the dangers of consuming genetically-modified foods. Also, public awareness should increase about the devastating effects of substance abuse and alcoholism.

In my opinion, by merely building sport centers and swimming pools, public health will not improve unless it is accompanied by efforts to raise the knowledge and understanding of people regarding the advantages of physical exercises.

[cranford cliff]

You shouldn't really begin a sentence with 'Also, '
'Divert attention away from' is usually used , rather than 'divert attention towards' : so , 'more sports facilities may divert the public's attention away from pubs, clubs and other entertainment venues where ...'.

I strongly suggest you put your opinion at the beginning of the essay , in the introduction, not wait for the conclusion. Band 7 of the writing task 2 , for task response, says the answer 'presents a clear position throughout the response' , meaning it (your view, or answer) is found in the introduction, body and conclusion...

[zippazippo]

Thank you so much for your help, but I have a question. Shouldn't I give my opinion in the introduction paragraph ONLY when it is a " do you agree/disagree" or " to what extent do you agree/disagree" question?
Thanks

[argho1985]

Thank you so much for your help, but I have a question. Shouldn't I give my opinion in the introduction paragraph ONLY when it is a " do you agree/disagree" or " to what extent do you agree/disagree" question?
Thanks

Hi, according to me, when you have stated a stand that you have agreed or disagreed on the topic, your 2 para should reason like that and then your conclusion should summarise and take a stand that what you have said in starting is finally correct.

Hope you understood what I said.

Argho

[Cherilab]

Hi! I believe it is a balanced-argument essay.
In paragraph 1, you can start the introduction by giving an overview of the topic or restatement of the essay question. You may or may not include your opinion here.
In Paragraph 2 and 3, give at least 2 ideas for each paragraph beginning with a TOPIC SENTENCE, then the IDEAS then ELABORATION to expand each of the ideas.
In the last paragraph, it is where you write your view or choice, then elaborate.
In general, I think you were able to respond to the task, there is cohesion and coherence, you used a wide range of vocabulary as well as the grammar is accurate.

Thanks!

[Cherilab]

For your second question:
If writing an OPINION ESSAY, It is required to include your STAND in the INTRODUCTION (first paragraph).

[zippazippo]

For your second question:
If writing an OPINION ESSAY, It is required to include your STAND in the INTRODUCTION (first paragraph).

Thanks a lot

[zippazippo]

For your second question:
If writing an OPINION ESSAY, It is required to include your STAND in the INTRODUCTION (first paragraph).

Thanks alot

[Cherilab]

For your second question:
If writing an OPINION ESSAY, It is required to include your STAND in the INTRODUCTION (first paragraph).

Thanks alot

No worries

[davidli]

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