Task 2 attempt. Discussion Essay

[Pkhatawa]

Most high level jobs are done by men. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women?

In general, men are preferred over women in powerful job positions – be it a government, non-government or private sector. However, in the last decade, the picture has been changing. Women are found to be working shoulder to shoulder with their men colleagues in top positions. In this essay, the role of government will be discussed in promoting women for upper positions.

I strongly think that this trend must continue and the representation of women in powerful jobs must increase. I believe that the government can play a pivotal role in encouraging women positions in higher ranks of the work. Having said that, I am however not in favour of the direct reservation policy for women. The reason is that the women are intelligent, professionally skilled and even bolder to shoulder higher job responsibilities. Their professional merit should be respected and should be awarded with the due opportunities, instead of mere reserved seats for them.

Instead of resorting to the reservation policy, as a top priority the government should design policies to curb two main gender prejudices that go against women. Firstly, the women lack leadership potential and secondly, the women cannot handling pressure of strategic and significant positions. With policies, the government should always ensure that organizations train and groom women for leadership jobs, and they indeed create a level playing field. Further, it should keep a check on the extent of representation of women in higher jobs across the organizations. Also, it can encourage people to entrust women’s potential for substantial jobs. Recently, World Trade Organization sent a visiting delegation back, because it was under-represented by women. Such steps should indeed help women leadership. I view this as a broader attitudinal change. The Corporates in India are creating more opportunities for women in high responsibility jobs. On the other hand the government is also reciprocating. It is assigning top jobs in administration to women. For example, India’s foreign secretary, Central Bank Deputy Governor, State Bank President are women professionals.

To summarize my position on this, I would say the transformation has not been brought by reservation for women in higher jobs, but by honouring women’s professional calibre and creating opportunities for them. It is overall a result of adoption of the right policies and the practices for women by the government and the private sector.

[ms5]

Hi!

Here is my modest comment:

- It is too long for writing task 2 (it is better to use less than 300 words)
Look at the durai’s answer according to the size of the writing task 2 here: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=2206

- About the structure:

You know, I usually use different structure in such essays. I always stay my opinion in an introduction and use main paragraphs to confirm it.

But I have noticed that you stayed you opinion regarding the main question in the 2nd par (“I am however not in favour of the direct reservation policy for women “) and supported it also in the 2nd par (“The reason is that the women are intelligent, professionally skilled and even bolder to shoulder higher job responsibilities. Their professional merit should be respected and should be awarded with the due opportunities, instead of mere reserved seats for them.”). I am not sure it is correct.

The 3rd par does not support your opinion. You just write about other ways government may use. It seems to me like lack of focus on the main question (I mean, the answer on the main question is not fully extended).

- I have also noticed that some words and phrases were used close to each other. For example, the word “instead” in the last sentence of the 2nd par and in the first sentence of the 3rd par. Try to use synonyms.

- As well there are some grammar mistakes, but it is better to ask someone else to correct them, as I am not very good in grammar.

[ms5]

Here is my version of this essay. Please, give your opinion.

In most of the countries all over the world there is a noticeable tendency for high posts in companies to be occupied by men. A possible reason for this fact is sex discrimination. One of the methods to fight it is to retain some amount of attractve positions for women at the legislative level. I believe that such course of actions is not the best one, and it will result in some negative consequences.

Naturally men are more intelligent than woman. For this reason, hiring a certain amount of women to do high level jobs will lead to a substitution of skilled men with not so qualified women. The fact is that these men would do less important job instead of contributing more in higher positions. Companies, therefore, will suffer, as this replacement would slow down the general process of work, and the overall quality of the products made by the companies will reduce.

Also, the truth is that it is harder for women to cope with such kinds of difficult and responsible job. First of all, men usually can manage stress more effectively than women and therefore can more successfully maintain healthy lifestyle while working hard. As well, it is widely known that children are more attached to their mothers than fathers. But with a busy schedule women will have only a little time to spend with their kids and relatives.

It is undisputable that sex discrimination is a huge problem for the population but there are a lot of other ways to solve it without any damages. For example, companies can be obliged not to ignore, but to consider all the curriculum vitaes obtained from women before taking a decision. The right government’s decision can make a big difference for everybody.

293 words

[argho1985]

Here is my version of this essay. Please, give your opinion.

In most of the countries all over the world there is a noticeable tendency for high posts in companies to be occupied by men. A possible reason for this fact is sex discrimination. One of the methods to fight it is to retain some amount of attractve positions for women at the legislative level. I believe that such course of actions is not the best one, and it will result in some negative consequences.

Naturally men are more intelligent than woman. For this reason, hiring a certain amount of women to do high level jobs will lead to a substitution of skilled men with not so qualified women. The fact is that these men would do less important job instead of contributing more in higher positions. Companies, therefore, will suffer, as this replacement would slow down the general process of work, and the overall quality of the products made by the companies will reduce.

Also, the truth is that it is harder for women to cope with such kinds of difficult and responsible job. First of all, men usually can manage stress more effectively than women and therefore can more successfully maintain healthy lifestyle while working hard. As well, it is widely known that children are more attached to their mothers than fathers. But with a busy schedule women will have only a little time to spend with their kids and relatives.

It is undisputable that sex discrimination is a huge problem for the population but there are a lot of other ways to solve it without any damages. For example, companies can be obliged not to ignore, but to consider all the curriculum vitaes obtained from women before taking a decision. The right government’s decision can make a big difference for everybody.

293 words

Hi,

Again your content is good and within word limit.. but your first line of the intro seems grammatically wrong to me if I was there in your place i could have written " Nowadays, majority of the top positions in corporates located in various part of the world have been occupied by the male candidates".

Rest look good..

Thanks
Argho

[Pkhatawa]

@M5
Thank you for examining it in detail and providing me with valuable advice that I can use!

I understood the task: Discussion essay. The government's role in promoting women for higher rank job. In that, I am required to give my opinion about reservation policy and the better options than the reservation.

In Introduction -
I stated about the discussion to come - govt's role and the alternatives.

1st Para - Opinion that govt should encourage however not through reservation.
Reason- coz women are able to handle responsible jobs, and they do not require direct reservation

2nd Para - The alternatives, govt should choose - 1) curb the prejudices 2) policy to check women representation
Example - World Trade Center

Change happening in govt and in private sector = here I am in complete agreement with you that I lost my focus. I should have focused only on the ways govt should go by. Had I taken this part off, should have cut the length of essay.

I also agree that I still need to find synonyms and alternative words.

@Argho: Thanks about the grammar tip - I agree. E.g. the very first line of the essay. I think, this looks good "In general, all over the world, employers incline to hire men than women in high positions".

[ms5]

Why do you think it is a discussion essay? As for me, it is completely argument essay. There is one question that requires our own opinion (discussion essay states usually two general opinions which are required to be discussed, and at the end of the essay we have to choose which one we prefer). Therefore, according to Ryan's videos (have you seen them? If not, I advice you to see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AS-F1vW ... DDF7F19843) we should state our thesis (point of view) in the introduction and then support it in main paragraphs.

[argho1985]

Why do you think it is a discussion essay? As for me, it is completely argument essay. There is one question that requires our own opinion (discussion essay states usually two general opinions which are required to be discussed, and at the end of the essay we have to choose which one we prefer). Therefore, according to Ryan's videos (have you seen them? If not, I advice you to see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AS-F1vW ... DDF7F19843) we should state our thesis (point of view) in the introduction and then support it in main paragraphs.

Hi Ms5,

According to me ,the reason why the above mentioned question is a discussion essay because it ask writer's view on whether there should be reservation or not.. In that case you just need to take a stand and begin with your explanation..

Argument essay is where two complete arguments are given, for ex, some people believe smoking is good while other believe it is harmful.. Discuss the both sides?.. which the above mentioned essay is not having..to my knowledge..

Argho

[ms5]

No, you are not right.
For example, look at Ryan's example of discussion essay: http://ieltsielts.com/model-essay-sampl ... -response/
The question here states two different points of view, and you should DISCUSS both.

In argument essay there is one question (like in our topic). You should answer the question and prove it in your essay (give arguments to prove it).
Ryan explains this in his videos (follow the link above).

[argho1985]

No, you are not right.
For example, look at Ryan's example of discussion essay: http://ieltsielts.com/model-essay-sampl ... -response/
The question here states two different points of view, and you should DISCUSS both.

In argument essay there is one question (like in our topic). You should answer the question and prove it in your essay (give arguments to prove it).
Ryan explains this in his videos (follow the link above).

Hi Ms5,

Yeah you are right mate.. sorry I wrote the other way around.. Thanks for correcting me..

Argho

[Pkhatawa]

@ms5 and @argho1985
I thought it to be a discussion essay for the same reason, as argho1985 too thought for a while. Discuss, whether there should be reservation. However, according to Ryan's video, it is an argument essay, because there are no two opposing views "stated in the question", but given only one "should the government encourage reservation". If "should" - then argue why?, if "should not" then argue why not. In this case my concluding line of introduction could change to - "It is not agreed that the government should enforce a direct reservation policy to boost women's share in top jobs". This discussion has been insightful. Thank you guys for your support!!

[saqibali]

I supposed, its an older post.
Do you still need to correct this essay?