Hi ! please comment on my essay and give me feedback

[tanzhaoxuan]

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies.
What do you think are the causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest?
In recent years, the vast expansion of information and communication technology has made globalization a process which is inevitable.As a result,knowledge can be accessed easily and people are facing increasingly fiercer competition in all around the world.
In developed countries such as Japan and Singapore, it is a common occurrence to see students spending long hours for studying.Admittedly,academic excellence does have a considerable bearing on the success of our future.This deep-rooted perception thus drive parents to send their children to tuition classes in the hope that their children will be able to land a lucrative job someday.Consequently, young people thesedays have no time to play for relaxation and to unwind themselves as they have to cope with the stress and their parents’ high expectation.As the saying goes,hard work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
Secondly,there are many applications to secure the limited number of places in higher education system. Due to the growing number of applications for acceptance,the universities have to set higher criteria to assess a candidate’s ability to be selected.Hence,only students with higher grades are able to meet the requirement. This factor oblige the students to work harder to enrol into a university.
Laden with too much pressure has an adverse effect on a student’s mental and physical development. Hence,an attempt have to be carried out to address this problem .In my opinion, parents should be made aware of the implications of the pressure they put on their children. Schools should inform parents that too much pressure can lead to anxiety, stress and depression. They should be shown ways in which they can help their children to lead more balanced lives with a reasonable amount of leisure time.
Another effective measure would be for the government to invest in the creation of more university places. This could be done by expanding existing universities or by building new ones. This would have the effect of easing competition for places, giving teenagers some of their precious free time back.
In conclusion,I believe that drastic action should be taken to redress this balance before it is too late. Students should lead a balanced lifestyle in order to possess a healthy constitution while pursuing their aspiration to achieve sterling results in their curriculum.

[argho1985]

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies.
What do you think are the causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest?
In recent years, the vast expansion of information and communication technology has made globalization a process which is inevitable.As a result,knowledge can be accessed easily and people are facing increasingly fiercer competition in all around the world.
In developed countries such as Japan and Singapore, it is a common occurrence to see students spending long hours for studying.Admittedly,academic excellence does have a considerable bearing on the success of our future.This deep-rooted perception thus drive parents to send their children to tuition classes in the hope that their children will be able to land a lucrative job someday.Consequently, young people thesedays have no time to play for relaxation and to unwind themselves as they have to cope with the stress and their parents’ high expectation.As the saying goes,hard work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
Secondly,there are many applications to secure the limited number of places in higher education system. Due to the growing number of applications for acceptance,the universities have to set higher criteria to assess a candidate’s ability to be selected.Hence,only students with higher grades are able to meet the requirement. This factor oblige the students to work harder to enrol into a university.
Laden with too much pressure has an adverse effect on a student’s mental and physical development. Hence,an attempt have to be carried out to address this problem .In my opinion, parents should be made aware of the implications of the pressure they put on their children. Schools should inform parents that too much pressure can lead to anxiety, stress and depression. They should be shown ways in which they can help their children to lead more balanced lives with a reasonable amount of leisure time.
Another effective measure would be for the government to invest in the creation of more university places. This could be done by expanding existing universities or by building new ones. This would have the effect of easing competition for places, giving teenagers some of their precious free time back.
In conclusion,I believe that drastic action should be taken to redress this balance before it is too late. Students should lead a balanced lifestyle in order to possess a healthy constitution while pursuing their aspiration to achieve sterling results in their curriculum.

Hi,

I reckon you should follow a structure...

One para... introduction indicating your knowledge of paraphrasing the given topic and indicating the flow of the essay.. ( this is missing in your essay)

Second para could be the .. possible causes.. maintain two or three possible cause and back up with example.. There is no need of writing two big para graphs..

Third one .. should be your solutions.. it should compliment the causes which you have said in second para..

Last should be the conclusion with your one major recommendation what you think will overcome the causes and lead to balance.

Argho

[allen_zhang]

I'd like to comment a little.

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies.
What do you think are the causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest?
In recent years, the vast expansion of information and communication technology has made globalization a process which is inevitable.Why is globalization relevant?As a result,knowledge can be accessed easily and people are facing an increasingly fierce competition all around the world. I don't understand the relationship between "easy access to knowledge" and "fiercer competition".
To me, the opening is not clear enough. You talked about something which you didn't explain well.

In developed countries such as Japan and Singapore, it is common to see students spending long hours on study.Admittedly,academic excellence does have a considerable bearing on the success of our future.This deep-rooted perception thus drive parents to send their children to tuition classes in the hope that their children will be able to land a lucrative job someday.Consequently, young people these days have no time to play for relaxation and to unwind themselves as they have to cope with the stress and their parents’ high expectation. As the saying goes,hard work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
You are supposed to talk about the causes. However,you keep talking about the effects.

Secondly,there are many applications to secure the limited number of places in higher education system. I don't understand this sentence. Due to the growing number of applications for acceptance,the universities have to set higher criteria to assess a candidate’s ability to be selected.Hence,only students with high grades are able to meet the requirements. This factor oblige the students to work harder to enrol into a university.

Laden with too much pressure has an adverse effect on a student’s mental and physical development. Hence,an attempt has to be carried out to address this problem .In my opinion, parents should be made aware of the implications of the pressure they put on their children. Schools should inform parents that too much pressure can lead to anxiety, stress and depression. They should be shown ways through which they can help their children to lead a more balanced life with a reasonable amount of leisure time.

Another effective measure would be for the government to invest in the creation of more university places. not well worded This could be done by expanding existing universities or by building new ones. This would have the effect of easing competition for places, giving teenagers some of their precious free time back.

In conclusion,I believe that drastic actions should be taken to redress this balance before it is too late. Students should lead a balanced lifestyle in order to possess a healthy constitution while pursuing their aspiration of achieving sterling results in their curriculum.


A few more comments:
1. You tried some complicated words and phrases which I never use. I can't judge as I am not a native speaker. However, I would word them differently with some "safer" words. For example: "healthy constitution". I would use " healthy body", because I know it is 100% correct.
2. I am not saying that it is necessary, but a 4 paragraph essay is highly recommended. We usually have a topic sentence as the first sentence of each body paragraph.
3. Your Grammar is fairly good, although I still can find some mistakes.
4. The opening is not good enough which could harm your task response.
5. You should stick to the essay questions. Your first body paragraph is kind of off topic.
6. the solutions are not convincing and constructive to me.

[tanzhaoxuan]

Hi Argho .Thank you for your comments and I will work hard towards that area to improve my writing

[tanzhaoxuan]

Hi Allen thank you for comments .I really like your comments and appreciate them.