please check my writing. score and feedback.

[dearjohn]

Need help. please score my writing, and give feedback, good or bad.

with the pressures on today's young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non- academic subj at school (eg: PE and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subj. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people would argue that students should demonstrate academic excellence during their stay at school. In order to focus on academic subjects, some believe that the exclusion of non-academic subjects from the curriculum is a good strategy. People tend to perform well if extra curricular activities are set aside because it precursors more time to study difficult subjects.

Moreover, school is a place where everyone should spend time understanding lessons and solving mental exercises. In connection to this, non-academic subjects such as cookery and physical education are things that can be taught at home because it only aims to enhance practical skills. Sometimes, these subjects are time consuming as it demands the need to practice for a dance presentation or a lengthy group meeting for a group project in Home Economics. This hassle negatively influences the study habit of a student.

However, I believe that non-academic subjects must not be removed from the course outline because it is too valuable to be missed. A school should be perceived as a safe haven by young people and not a battleground where you need to bow down and just read. It should be regarded as a ground for recreation as well, so, subjects such as Physical Education and cookery can break the ice while actually learning practical lessons necessary to thrive in the real world.

In addition to that, non-academic subjects are designed to enhance student's talents and unleash potentials which are vital in dealing with real-life challenges. Cookery can develop creativity, sports promotes camaraderie and teamwork.

In conclusion, a successful person is a person ready with knowledge, skills, and most importantly, right attitude. One should not focus on academic alone as it is only a one side of the box. One must learn more and do more to fully excel.

[saqibali]

Sentence structures need revision and improvement

[dearjohn]

thanks for the feedback. what specific part? im taking my ielts for the second time this coming sept6. and i only have trouble with the writing test.