Please Review my IELTS GT Writing Task 1

[sivaprasad1110]

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

Last month you had a holiday overseas where you stayed with some friends. They have just sent you some photos of your holiday.

Write a letter to your friends. In your letter
1) Thank them for the photos and for the holiday
2) explain why you didn't write earlier
3) invite them to come and stay with you
Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write any addresses.
Begin your letter as follows:
Dear.........,

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Dear Jack and John,

I hope that you people would be having a great time. I am writing this letter to thank both of you for the great holiday because, that was much needed for me to have a break from the busy work schedule of mine. I would also like thanks for sending the photos. It had refreshed my memories.

I am sorry that I haven't been in touch since then, because of the current project deadlines and hardly had any liesure time. I expects that you people might also busy with your work as well.

I would like to invite you people for visiting my city London and stay along with me for atleast a couple of weeks time at my place. As my project is getting completed in a couple of weeks time I hope you people will visit my place as soon as possible. I assure you that London have lots of historic and beautiful place for seeing. I had mentioned my address and contact number below.

Your Friend
Shiv

[Flick]

Dear Jack and John,

I hope that you people would be having a great time. (<--Reword to: "I hope that you are both well.")I am writing this letter to thank you for the great holiday because, that was much needed for me to have a break from the busy work schedule of mine. (<--Reword to: "I am writing to thank you for the great holiday. It was a much needed break from my busy work schedule.) I would also like thanks for sending the photos. (<--Reword to: "I would also like to thank you for sending the photos.") It had refreshed my memories. (<--Reword to: "They have reminded me of all the fun we had.")

I am sorry that I haven't been in touch since then, because of the current project deadlines and hardly had any liesure time. (<--Reword to: "I am sorry that I haven't been in touch since then. Work has been very busy and I haven't had much free time.") I expects that you people might also busy with your work as well. (<--Reword to: "I guess that you both must be busy at work as well.")

I would like to invite you people for visiting my city London and stay along with me for atleast a couple of weeks time at my place. (<--Reword to: "I would like to invite you both to come and stay with me in London for at least a couple of weeks.") As my project is getting completed in a couple of weeks time I hope you people will visit my place as soon as possible. (<--Reword to: "My project will be completed in a few weeks time, so I would love for you to visit as soon as possible.")I assure you that London have lots of historic and beautiful place for seeing. (<--Reword to: "London has many beautiful sights we can visit,") I had mentioned my address and contact number below. (<--Reword to: "My address and phone number are below.")

Your Friend
Shiv