I keep getting 6.0-6.5 in writing please identify the proble

[DannyK]

Some people say that money may bring unhappiness. Do you agree or disagree and what is your opinion?

Over the past few decades, there has been an ongoing debate on whether or not money has brought a sense of happiness to the general public. In my view, although money is not everything, it may be highly necessary for sustaining our daily lives.

Some people assert that earning money itself is not necessarily enjoyable. That is to say, it tends to entail high workloads, which could be extremely stressful. This may hinder them from spending precious time with their loving friends and families. Without regular communications, conflicts would arise and eventually break relationships with others. As such, it may be true to say that too much obsession with money could induce more and more people to be isolated from their close associates.

However, the aforementioned argument relies on too narrow a perspective. The notion of money has truly become entrenched in our modern society. This is because people without money are less privileged than those who are financially well-off in terms of enjoying certain benefits such as higher education and better healthcare. Wealthy parents could, for example, send their children to private institutions for them to achieve exceptionally well in their academic performance. In addition, parents may provide their children with sufficient medical care when they are suffering from serious illnesses. Therefore, it could be inferred that money partially brings happiness.

Against this backdrop, it is an undeniable fact that money is vital in order to maintain quality life. However, I firmly believe that people should take a balanced approach in building healthy relationship with others and earning money.

[Piazzi]

Well, I will try to help you, however, keep in mind that I am not a native speaker.

Firstly, your introduction seems nice, but the problem in the first pharagraph is with your thesis statement. Regardless of the general idea being related with the question, you should bring to this phrase some words used in the question, then, the examiner will easily relate your thesis with the question.

In my opinion, in a general view, there is a lack of structure in your text, nevertheless, I could see which it has an intruduction, a body, and a conclusion (you could try to apply the structure suggested by Ryan in this forum). The problem is how these parts fit together to deliver an idea. This seems the weakest point in your essay.



Cheers

[allen_zhang]

I would like to comment a little on your eassy.

From my point of view, you grammar is pretty good although there are still a few mistakes. However, there is one thing that we need to keep in mind: we should use understandable words and answer the question directly. Please check my embedded comments below.

Some people say that money may bring unhappiness. Do you agree or disagree and what is your opinion?

Over the past several/a few decades, there has been an ongoing debate on whether or not money has brought a sense of happiness to the general public. In my view, although money is not everything, it may be highly necessary for sustaining our daily lives.
please directly answer the quesiton: do you agree or not agree? I can't find find your answer .Also, please read your sentence: "whether or not money has brought a sense of happiness to the general public". It sounds so weird, especially the "general public". From my point of view, a simple word "people" is better than "the general public". if I had to write it, I would put it in this way :"People have different views on the relationship between money and happiness" or "Pelople have differet views on whether or not money can bring happiness to people ".


Some people assert that earning money itself is not necessarily enjoyable. That is to say, it tends to entail high workloads, which could be extremely stressful. This may hinder them from spending precious time with their loving friends and families. Without regular communications, conflicts would arise and eventually break relationships with others. As such, it may be true to say that too much obsession with money could induce more and more people to be isolated from their close associates.

You are supposed to talk about the relationship between money and happiness but not between "earning money" and happiness

However, the aforementioned argument relies on too narrow a perspective. The notion of money has truly become entrenched in our modern society. This is because people without money are less privileged than those who are financially well-off in terms of enjoying --> which enables them to enjoy certain benefits such as higher education and better healthcare. Wealthy parents could, for example, send their children to private institutions for them to achieve exceptionally well in their academic performance. In addition, parents may provide their children with sufficient medical care when they are suffering from serious illnesses. Therefore, it could be inferred that money partially brings happiness.

After the first sentence of this paragraph, I expected you to explain "money can bring happiness" because the you said the argument in the first body paragraph is too narrow. However, you used a sentence: " The notion of money has truly become entrenched in our modern society" . This is really confusing to the readers of your essay. When you say :"that is narrow", the reads are expecting you to say something which is NOT narrow.

Against this backdrop, it is an undeniable fact that money is vital in order to maintain quality life. However, I firmly believe that people should take a balanced approach in building healthy relationship with others and earning money.

If I had to write an essay on this topic, I would use ideas as below:
If I am going to provide a balance opinion( This is a little bit difficult).
1. Money does have something to do with happiness, because researchs show that rich people are, on average, happier than poor people. Than I will explain why by talking about wealthier people can get better education and have a higher living standard.
2. However, there is not a absoulte relationship between money and happiness, because some rich people are not happy but some poor people are. Than I might say something like : Happiness is not just about money but also related to something like good family relationship, having friends around you or a positive attitude on life....

if I am going to provide a strong view to support that money brings happiness, I would say something below:
1. Money brings a sense of security to people because they don't have to worry about where to get their next meal.
2. Money provides higher living standard. Than provide examples like :"finically affluent people could travel more or they could have a higher living standard ".
2. money brings people a sense of superior which is somehow related to happiness. Than I would talk about something like: people around you would admire/respect you.

[DannyK]

Thank you so much about your comment!

[DannyK]

Well, I will try to help you, however, keep in mind that I am not a native speaker.

Firstly, your introduction seems nice, but the problem in the first pharagraph is with your thesis statement. Regardless of the general idea being related with the question, you should bring to this phrase some words used in the question, then, the examiner will easily relate your thesis with the question.

In my opinion, in a general view, there is a lack of structure in your text, nevertheless, I could see which it has an intruduction, a body, and a conclusion (you could try to apply the structure suggested by Ryan in this forum). The problem is how these parts fit together to deliver an idea. This seems the weakest point in your essay.



Cheers

where can i get the structure that ryan recommended?

[saqibali]

Search his essay videos on youtube