please correct it and i appreciate your suggestions for it

[asmak888]

task 2 essay GENERAL

all over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affecet both children and adults, what are the reasons for this rise in obesity? how could it be tackled?

obesity is a growing concern of our modern society, it has been observed that adults and children both are affected by obesity more than previous years. in this essay we will look into some of the causes and offer some solutions for it.

one of the main causes of this problem is sharp increase in use of junk foods and fizzy drinks. our younger generation is immensely in love with burgers, pizzas, pasta etc, in addition, mostly parents are working and they don't cook food. school cafeterias are loaded with chips, chocolates and other unhealthy foo items. a solution to this problem is that government should ban such junk foods in school cafeterias, and teaching regarding healthy foods should make compulsory.

Another issue is lack of physical activity due to many reason, mostly this the result of playing video games, watching television and doing assignments on computer. With accelerated use of computers and technology, it has considerable impact on our daily life, for example people have to sit in front of computer with out physical activity and after coming back home most spend time watching tv and taking rest, it could be tackled by increasing physical activity, such as encourage children to play outdoors, walking and introducing exercise in our routine life.

To sum up, obesity is a growing concern and affecting health of individual of all age groups. This is a serious problem and it could be solved by modifying life style, by educating younger and adults regarding health, unhealthy foods and importance of regular physical activity.

[saqibali]

Dear friend,
Please check Ryan style in his videos.

[asmak888]

Hello saqibali thanks it was v helpful

[robin20y]

obesity is a growing concern of our modern society. it has been observed that adults and children both are affected by obesity more than previous years.(In these days,it has been observed that both adults and children are being obese than in the past ). in this essay we will look into some of the causes and offer some solutions for it.< try to write a major cause you think in here and explain it in latter paragraphs>

one of the main causes of this problem is sharp increase in use of junk foods and fizzy drinks. our younger generation is immensely in love with burgers, pizzas, pasta etc, in addition, mostly parents are working and they don't cook food< in addition to this, most parents are reluctant to cook> . school cafeterias are loaded with chips, chocolates and other unhealthy foo items.(This sentence has no relation to the previous sentence). a solution to this problem is that government should ban such junk foods in school cafeterias, and teaching regarding healthy foods should make compulsory. ( you can't talk about multiple solutions and causes in a single paragraph)

Another issue is lack of physical activity due to many reason, mostly this the result of playing video games, watching television and doing assignments on computer. With accelerated use of computers and technology, it has considerable impact on our daily life, for example people have to sit in front of computer with out physical activity and after coming back home most spend time watching tv and taking rest, it could be tackled by increasing physical activity, such as encourage children to play outdoors, walking and introducing exercise in our routine life.

To sum up, obesity is a growing concern and affecting health of individual of all age groups. This is a serious problem and it could be solved by modifying life style, by educating younger and adults regarding health, unhealthy foods and importance of regular physical activity.
hi asma
Like saqib ali told, you must follow a pattern to write an essay. From your essay, i can understand that you can write good essays. However, you need little more attention and practice. Look at your first body paragraph, you have discussed a lot of causes and provided only one solution.In addition to that your sentences do not include a linking word. You must link your words in a paragraph with suitable words such as therefore, so, even, even though, etc...look at the next example paragraph i wrote
---First of all, increased consumption of fast-food is the major reason for the increased obesity. For instance, even in the rural part of a country like Bahrain, people tend to eat more fatty foods like KFC. Such food habit is a trigger to increase obesity in people. ---
watch out for the spelling mistakes you made in simple words such as food. ( pay attention while writing). in the exam, you may be penalized heavily for such mistakes.
i advise you to see some videos of Ryans about writing essay. you can find it out in youtube. Just write "IELTS ryan" in search box and subscribe to those videos. Those videos are really helpful, i must say. it really helped to improve my writing skills.

all the best.

[asmak888]

Robin20y ..... thanks alot ..... for helping n correcting. Can I add u or do u hv Skype id. My exam is on 6 sep n I'm v nervous about that. Anyways thanks alot really appreciated

[robin20y]

Well ,actually , i dont know what my skype id is. I think it is robin22y and robin20y. Just look on both.
Or just contact me through mail robin22y@gmail.com.
thank you

[asmak888]

Sure .... I will ty