IELTS GT Writing Task 2 - Please assess my essay

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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Sharanwj
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:35 pm

IELTS GT Writing Task 2 - Please assess my essay

Post by Sharanwj »

Topic: While studying some students take weekend or evening jobs to help with expenditure. How do you feel about this? What are the drawbacks and benefits of such a decision.

Thanks in advance :)


Of many key aspects of dynamic student life, part-time work is an important one. Students work, during weekends or breaks, according to their skill-set. However, It is not an individual mandate to work while studying, students are free to make this decision.

Firstly, part-time jobs gives financial independence to students; they can use the money – to pay tuition fees, to buy books, as emergency reserve, to apply for extra courses. This, in turn, gives them feeling of financial security; it, further, boosts their confidence level and teaches them lifelong money management skills. Also, students can use the money to travel which opens up their mind to new cultures and people.

Moreover, money is not the only reason why students work, students also work whilst they are financially sound. While working students learn new skills and work ethics which makes them job-ready; students who have work experience are more likely to adapt easily to corporate world. Also, in the process, they grow personally, intellectually, and socially at work leading to a overall personality development.

On the contrary, part-time work for students has its own set of issues; First of all, it can become very hectic managing work with studies, work can act as a distraction for students which can affect academic performance leading to stress. Additionally, students are not able to devote time to extra-curricular activities or sports training. Another issue, seldom discussed, is students start spending extravagantly – on parties, gadgets, and clothes; ultimately falling prey to debt trap.

To conclude, part time work help students develop important personality traits and groom them into a confident individual. Students should learn time management so that work shouldn't hinder their academic progress and the hard earned money should be used judiciously.
robin20y
Posts: 82
Joined: Thu May 08, 2014 8:53 am

Re: IELTS GT Writing Task 2 - Please assess my essay

Post by robin20y »

Of many key aspects of dynamic student life, part-time work is an important one. Students work,(no need of comma during weekends or breaks, according to their skill-set. However, It is not an individual mandate to work while studying, students are free to make this decision.

Firstly, part-time jobs gives financial independence to students; they can use the money – to pay tuition fees, to buy books, as emergency reserve, to apply for extra courses. This, in turn, gives them feeling of financial security, which further boosts their confidence level and teaches them lifelong money management skills. Also, students can use the money to travel which opens up their mind to new cultures and people.

Moreover, money is not the only reason why students work, students also work whilst they are financially sound. While working students learn new skills and work ethics which makes them job-ready. students who have work experience are more likely to adapt easily to corporate world. Also, in the process, they grow personally, intellectually, and socially at work leading to a overall personality development.

On the contrary, part-time work for students has its own set of issues. First of all, it can become very hectic managing work with studies, work can act as a distraction for students which can affect academic performance leading to stress. Additionally, students are not able to devote time to extra-curricular activities or sports training. Another issue, seldom discussed, is students start spending extravagantly – on parties, gadgets, and clothes; ultimately falling prey to debt trap.

To conclude, part time work helps students to develop important personality traits and groom them into confident individuals. after analyzing the subject, it is believed thatStudents should learn time management. So, the work shouldn't hinder their academic progress and the hard earned money should be used judiciously. (completely different subject. It is better to avoid this line)

Hai sharan,
You did a good job here. sentence are well written. Flawless grammar in most parts.Easy to understand.
However, I would like to point some inaccuracies in your writing also
the thesis of your essay, which is underlined by me in correction, is not answering to the question!!!. Wondered??. the question clearly asks you to give your opinion. So, you must use personal pronouns instead of 'it'.

"While studying some students take weekend or evening jobs to help with expenditure. How do you feel about this?What are the drawbacks and benefits of such a decision."

In the second body paragraph, you answered it as a reason. Actually you shouldn't write it as a reason, because, the question never asked you to find reasons. it is just asking for its advantages and disadvantages.
These are minor errors. Though, you may lose score for these small errors. We are not sure about that.
If it is possible, do not over use semi colon( ;). in most parts, your punctuation went wrong because of that.
one more thing, try to bring some real life examples in your writing, which is clearly absent in this piece of work.

overall I liked your essay
keep practicing.

saqibali
Posts: 452
Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2014 6:56 am

Re: IELTS GT Writing Task 2 - Please assess my essay

Post by saqibali »

If you kindly send me this in word file, I will edit it properly with excellent formatting.I will do this in my earliest free time.
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